Being liked. That’s what we’re all worried about, right? We like being liked in public, in groups and by “friends,” and we like being liked intimately, by that one intimate person. Because if we can’t impress them, we can’t impress anyone. We lose them, we lose our self. We suddenly lose all confidence and really think something is wrong with us. It all turns into the whole “it’s me, not you” ordeal, and then we’re really lost on who is “me” and who is “you.” Really, who is “me,” and who is “you?” Are we not “us” because we’re not liked? Are we not “us” because we don’t like ourselves?

When it was the anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death, there was a lot of interviews released. Words were finally shared. And I think it was Kurt’s former manager, or someone in relation to his band, and forgive me for not being “scholarly” enough to do actual research. This is a blog isn’t? Not “Handball 472” with “Dr. Mariah Doppleopplous”?!? Pardon the side remark [hint: previous blog, Thoughs whoo Kan;t du teech]. Anyhow, the former colleague said one of Kurt’s biggest problem was that he didn’t like himself; he didn’t love himself. That’s why he was [mainly] always out of it. Being an artist and hard on yourself is one thing, but being an actual person who doesn’t feel liked at all is pretty shitty feeling. It’s horrible. Yeah, it’s fun making people squirm and do things against their will, and sometimes people do deserve to feel shitty, but to the point where it gets REALLY dark, to where the blackness consumes you over it, my God! It leads people to go ballistic and shoot up movie theatres, and schools where other people and their children whom ARE liked, and for the more part loved. It’s a cruel and beautiful world [Grouplove]. And being liked on social media is an entire different thing.

Sometimes people are forced and feel obligated to “like” things. Why? Because then people won’t “like” theirs, or maybe because that liker doesn’t have anything else to like but the likes of others. Selective likeness cracks me up. I won’t like your stuff, but you can like mine, and when you stop liking mine, I’ll like yours. We’ll just be friends, but I won’t like your stuff. It’s only because I want to look like I have a lot of friends and make it look like I am liked! It’s a vicious cycle. Look at how bad people get butt hurt, and yes, it happens to everyone, when people don’t like their posts. People share certain things for a reason. Mainly, especially on social media, it is to be liked. We all wanna feel love. It’s like that saying, “fat bitches need love, too!” It’s also like that saying, “Never trust a fat bitch,” and “Fat bitches give the best head,” but then again, some say that guys give the best head BUT that is a whole other topic of conversation, if it ever arouses –pun intended- it can be discussed. That’s more of a sociological/ English sexuality class topic.

Then there are some of my favourite people with that ancient Machiavellian attitude of “it’s better to be feared than loved.” What I love about those types of people is they act like the big bad wolf, but when the tables are turned on them, when their soft spot is struck, when shit really hits the fan, when they know they’re really no longer liked –by EVERYONE around them- all they are is a little piggy running for dear life before they become someone’s little cocktail wiener, or even more so, someone’s bacon.

Oh, the lives of others! People are funny! It’s all a game, It’s all an allusion, It’s all about being “liked.” And if it happens in the workplace, it’s called “harassment.” If it happens in society, it’s called “racism.” If it happens with your peers, it’s called “haters.” I will tell you, wake up! Get over it! We’re not always liked. Please do everyone a favor and go “like” yourself.

 

Otter Holmes Finally Feels Like a ‘Writer’ After Learning to Keep ‘Friends Close, Co-Workers Closer’

 

Mr. Holmes, what do you have to say about this volume of the series?

Buy it.

Funny!

It’s a lot richer. It’s more scandalous. Juicier. There’s more characters that get hired, and fired. There’s so much openness to drama. I’ve always wanted to write the biggest scandal, and I think I’ve hit some high notes here. The story lines are pretty “over the top.” It’s one big spider web, and everyone is tangled. Plus, I’ve developed a lot more as a writer. It’s a better book.

When you say, “a better book,” are you saying you’re not proud of There’s Something in the Coffee?

I am very proud of my first volume. I love it! There’s nothing I would change about it. The second and third volumes give me the opportunity to exercise my skill, and make The Cubicle Diaries a better and better story. I’m sure you can relate, as an artist, we’re always hard on ourselves, and nothing is ever good enough; we can always go higher and want higher, but we need to be realistic. We need to stop and smell the “coffee” and get ahold of ourselves. With the amount of time, energy, and seasoning I’ve invested into this book, I can’t be more proud of my product. Calling myself a ‘writer’ always sounded weird through my own voice, but now, I can successfully and happily call myself a “writer.” I’m a “writer!”

Seasoning. Sounds appetizing.

It’s very appetizing. You’ll want seconds.

I see the chapter size for Volume II has increased to 33, and it is divided into two parts. The first volume is only 22.

Yes! Like I said, this is a bigger and bolder story. There’s a lot going on and off the clock for the employees of The Firm Firm. The crazy stuff happens at work. There’s also a lot more dialogue amongst the characters. There’s backstory. The narrator is still the voice behind the story, but now the story is mainly being told through the characters dialogue. The narrator is still the narrator though. Plus, having all the characters have more dialogue, it helps readers understand the characters more. Readers can feel like they’re in there in the moment with the characters. Readers get the opportunity more to love, or hate, or both, the characters how they want to. I promise, there is not one dull moment. There is plenty to keep a reader entertained.

Are you the narrator?

HAHA. No, I’m the writer.

Yes! Yes you are!

What can you tell us about the title Friends Close, Co-Workers Closer? There’s a saying, “Friends close, enemies closer.” Is there any relation?

I’ll talk about the chapter it’s reflected off of. The chapter that is named after the book is not the longest or the “best” chapter, but it mainly explains the story itself. It’s a great chapter. I didn’t want it to be too much, because that’s what other certain chapters are for. We see the meaning of keeping friends close, and co-workers closer. The chapter pays homage to the narrator. The narrator opens and closes the book, but when readers swim more into the deep end of things where it get really complicated, we see the narrator step back a little. This chapter allows the narrator to step in and remind readers it is the driver. We see Derek being Derek; there’s a sense of nostalgia. The chapter “Friends Close, Co-Workers Closer” underscores the theme of the story, too. There’s a lot of betraying and revenge. As readers, we’re constantly reminded to keep “Friends Close, Co-Workers Closer.” We really realize just because we work with someone that doesn’t mean they won’t betray us or sell us out or talk about us behind our back. We do have to worry about them, and maybe sometimes the most, especially if you’re with a company you want to grow with and are around a bunch of sharks. The top only has one seat. The chapter is toward the end of the book, in part two. The chapter marks a point where all the characters conclude, man, I have to be careful of everyone around me, as if they didn’t know that already. There’s a lot of selfishness going on. I feel like I put that title and chapter in a good part of the book.

The staff of “The Firm Firm” is pretty “brutal” to each other, as one has said, are there any deaths in this volume?

Death of people’s careers, yeah. Also their status, reputation, emotions. There’s a lot of everything.

What is your favorite chapter?

All of them.

What was your hardest chapter to write?

“Who is Afraid of the Big Bad Doris?” was one of the more challenging chapters. It was very challenging. That chapter caused me to have writer’s block! I knew I had to make that chapter good. The title is good. I edited the book in order, and because of that chapter, I had to break the pattern. I had to move on and revisit it later, but it worked out because we see high points in there. You’re like, is this really happening? Anything where “Doris” is in dominancy is time consuming and energy absorbing. “Doris” requires a lot of energy. She is one of my favorite characters. She’s so great, I gave her her own titled chapter. It turns out, too, that this chapter ended up being the longest one. “Doris” is an important character to The Cubicle Diaries.

Are there any other characters that get their own titled chapter?

“Louva.” It’s called “Looking Louva.” I love that chapter. I call it the “exception chapter.” If this book were a play, it would be the intermission sideshow.

What do you love about the chapter?

It’s rhetorically flushed. It’s a gift to English. “Louva” has good dialogue. When she not gossiping like a little girl, she’s has good language. I like to see “Louva” as my “Shakespearean” character. She has really developed. Also, “Looking Louva” was an add-in chapter. I was editing, and I came up with it, and I was like, how in the hell do I fit this gem in here?! It was a must. I already told myself I was only going to edit, and not add, but “Looking Louva” came out of nowhere. It’s the shortest chapter, but it says a lot. It’s a little mind blowing.

Could “Doris” or “Louva” get their own series one day?

I still have another volume to publish; currently there is battered fish to be fried.

You said, “If this book were a play.” Are you hoping to adapt the series one day?

Of course! I do, however, see it more as a show. Volume II is episodic, yet so fresh and fluid. Everyone in the working world, especially people in an office environment, can relate to it. It would definitely hold viewership. I am open to having the series adapted as a play, because of its dramatic high points.

So, we learn the story of the infamous black rose, yes?

Yes! We do! Finally! Everyone will. Let’s just say, there’s a “Special Office Delivery.” But! The black rose does not stop there. We see them blossom, again. You know, I had so much fun writing and creating this series. In retrospect, “Secrets, Scandals & Secret Santas” is one of my favorites, besides all of them. It’s a great chapter. I had so much fun writing it. I was so caught up in it. That‘s where the second round of black roses appear, and this time they affect everyone, not just one person. That chapter is so thematic, lots of allusions. It definitely taps into the human nature of people.

Volume I finished with Derek in a rocky place, does he end up on top?

“Derek” always ends up on top. He’s “Derek Johnston.”

Well, Mr. Holmes, thank you for stopping by. We all look forward to the next installment of, The Cubicle Diaries. You’ve gave us quite a buzz with your feelings about the book. I can’t wait to read it, and see you, again.

Thank you! It was a pleasure stopping by. Thank you for having me. I’ll send you a copy when it comes out. I’m working on the launch dates.

It’s already tomorrow in… Jinan, and I am very thankful! Happy Thanksgiving! Yes, that’s an allusion to my Los Angeles Film Festival internship I scored earlier this year. Of which I am so thankful to of had. Not everyone gets to rock out with Courtney Love! Living legend right there. Right next to me, and Britney. I love Thanksgiving! This morning as I was getting ready for work, yes I have to work! I was being a little nostalgic about all my past Thanksgivings. Oh my Mother! I thought. Because in China they don’t say “OMG” [oh my God!] they say, oh my mother! They do say, OMG, and they also say, oh my Lady Gaga. Now that is something I could also catch myself saying. Speaking of Stefani, only her close friends call her ‘Stefani,’ I’m thankful for the time I worked up enough courage and went as her to the annual celebrity infested Roosevelt Hotel All Hallows Eve Party. That night Gaga was a diva, and Gaga was on the prowl. What a night! My drama with Paris Hilton, Kristin Cavallari, the LAFD, getting hit on left and right, unsure if I should go to the women’s bathroom or the men’s? LMFAO! OK, OK, enough! I’m being too nostalgic. This is about Thanksgiving, not All Hallows Eve. Back to Thanksgiving. When I think about the food, the shenanigans, the drama! –OMLG!!! Taking Tupperware to my relatives houses so I could have left overs. “Who doesn’t love left overs?” There’s an allusion to my favourite “GG” episode. The final Thanksgiving episode, It’s Really Complicated, which is an allusion to the movie, “It’s Complicated.” Trying deep fried turkey for the first time –BOMB! And that one time I decided to act vegan for my friends and have Tofurkey. It actually wasn’t bad tasting, and it was filling. Oversleeping and missing Thanksgiving. I was with a friend, someone who I used to know [LMFAO!!] We woke up and started drinking champagne, then we passed out and overslept and missed my mother’s. Then there was the time I went out on Thanksgiving, got so drunk I fell and cracked my head open. I had the sickest bald spot for the longest. It was soooo embarrASSing! But, I am thankful for all the craziness! It’s made me the rockstar I am today. And speaking of more, and a different type of craziness, all of a sudden Black Friday started happening on Thursdays. Thanksgiving Thursday! Fuck your traditional dinner! We’ll make it a lunch, I want my ass a TV! What has the world come to?! Literally. Have you read the internet or watched the news? I don’t know if what’s going on is comedy or tragedy. There you go, another allusion. It’s all an allusion. Or illusion rather. Serious, what is reality and what is fiction? “Black Friday happening on a Thursday” is also an allusion to my first blog post. My first blog post was 2 Thanksgivings ago. Now, 58 later, I’m still here! It’s still going.

This turkey day is very different from the others. For one, I’m in China! OMLG! I cannot believe I am here! I’m thankful I escaped LA and got the opportunity to be here. This little manquest is doing me good. I’m on sabbatical from LA in case anyone is asking. Just yesterday, I realized, after it smacked me right in the numb face, it’s cold from snowing, I’m still learning things about myself. I had another little moment to myself. I swear, if I was not me, I’d date me. OK! Back to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is not very popular in China. Hence why I have to work. It’s acknowledged, but not really celebrated. Kind of like St. Patrick’s Day or April Fool’s. All Hallows Eve just started becoming popular –you get the picture! Need I allude more?! Just because Thanksgiving is not popular here, that doesn’t mean it’s stopping me. I’m getting something I’ve always wanted: a nice hotel dinner. I’ve always wanted to fly to New York for Thanksgiving and have an expensive, OverTheTop [another allusion! LMFAO] dinner at a fancy-ass hotel where real chefs do their thing and overcharge for what is being served. That has such a nice, glamourous, traditional ring to it. Luckily for me, I’ll be getting that this year. Or if things turn for the worse, I can always have noodles! LMFAO! I wouldn’t dare. Regardless, I am thankful, I am happy, and I’m “Thankful for Being Happy.” To 100 more Thanksgivings! Gobble, Gobble.

This is far from over, Derek thought, revengefully. Payback was the only thing on his mind. Derek was reluctant to return to work. He didn’t want to have to face the Shady Bunch. He didn’t know what story to give when people asked him how the weekend-getaway-from-hell went. Derek didn’t know whether he should give the real story, or the short one of, It was something to do. He wasn’t sure if it was it going to be an instant showdown, or if anything would go down at all. Derek knew he had to go to work because he didn’t want the Shady Bunch to think they had won, and that they had scared him away. One thing was for sure, besides his appetite for revenge, Derek was uncertain about EVERYTHING. As Derek parked his sports coupe in The Firm Firm’s parking lot, he assured himself he was ready to face the music and see how the Shady Bunch would act toward him come first contact.

Jack and Derek were the first to cross paths. Jack had the audacity to smile right in Derek’s face like nothing ever happened, just like a little bitch he was. Jack and Derek didn’t exchange any words. Derek looked at Jack and completely ignored him when he saw that stupid-ass smirk grow right across Jack’s young looking, clean shaven face. The fucken nerve! Derek thought to himself. But deep down, everyone from that weekend knew nothing was “OK.” No one was ready to throw in the towel, or wave the white flag.

Emily was there to be a shoulder to cry on for Derek, and she did what she did best: lead Derek on that she was there for him. Emily comforted Derek. After work, Emily went to Burberry on Rodeo Drive and bought Derek an expensive wallet to cheer him up in lieu of the one he lost. Emily told Derek he needed a change. “No more Gucci!” Emily demanded, as she handed Derek an off-white colored box that had a deep red bow perfectly wrapped on it. Derek didn’t tell her the casino called him back and told him his wallet was found, and that they were going to be mailing it back to him that day. Derek only gave Emily the watered down version of everything that transpired that night at the whackass Las Vegas club for Jack’s birthday because they were at work, and he didn’t want to get into detail at all. Plus, Derek wanted Emily to see what the Shady Bunch had to say first, and see how they were going to try and win her over before he did.

Derek’s poor choices opened him an economy sized can of worms. Derek felt forced to isolate himself at work. He pulled himself together and told himself to stay strong and try not to make his emotions looks so obvious. The last thing Derek needed was to have more fake people up in his shit asking him more questions about his personal life acting like they cared when in reality all they wanted to do was have something to gossip about, and make their own irrelevant lives relevant. No one at The Firm Firm seemed to remember that personal lives should not bleed into their professional one. Derek knew he should’ve not gone to Vegas. Derek was down in the dirt. He felt like maybe he was being a little too dramatic. And to have to sit there and still be productive in his cubicle acting like nothing was wrong when really shit was all over the walls because it did more than hit the fan, Derek was out of it. He might as well been the President of the United States.

Jack-Ass was getting exactly what he wanted: fame in the office. Jack was ready to tear Derek an entire new one, and make him completely irrelevant in the office. Jack even started to consider transferring to Derek’s department to recruit his immediate co-workers, position, and pay next. So far, Jack-Ass and his minions succeeded at what they wanted. Derek felt out of place and not welcomed despite feeling on top of the world just over a week ago. And if Gwendolyn was involved, she was bound to make someone’s life miserable out of it. That was her specialty. Gwendolyn was bitter inside and out. When she wasn’t trying to ruin Emily, she plotted to take her next victim down: Aubrey. The grin that appeared on her face when she saw Derek and Aubrey leaving the office suggested only one thing.

Derek and Aubrey went to lunch. He broke everything down to her about what really happened at the “weekend-getaway-from-hell” as he described it. Derek was raw. He sugar coated nothing. He wanted to be honest and upfront. He didn’t want to look like a liar because he had no idea what was already being said about him. That was the last label he needed. Many stories could’ve circled around already, and Derek didn’t want to take any chances. The Shady Bunch acted like they had said nothing, but looks were deceiving, especially at The Firm Firm. There wasn’t something in the coffee, there was something in the air ducts; these people were full on infected. It was definitely now a game of friends close, co-workers closer. Everyone was an enemy, and everyone was willing to do anything to be on top. Derek was the victim in this matter, for once, but he was not crying for aid, he was striving for one thing only: revenge. Derek found warmness and compassion in Aubrey. Aubrey was sympathetic. Not once did she express like she was judging him. This tragic event for Derek brought them together, besides their fondness for marijuana. Aubrey knew the rules of Vegas: anything goes. She knew what Derek was all about, and what the Shady Bunch lacked. Aubrey even said herself she wasn’t feeling the group that was going. Aubrey knew they were not “her crowd.” She knew that the first day they all started at The Firm Firm.

Derek and Aubrey had a long Mexican lunch at Casa Vega. They had a few margaritas to loosen each other’s nerve up. The restaurant’s low lighting made it all the better. Derek promised Aubrey, and himself, he was going to get the last word out of it all. He promised, and said out loud to her in a deep stare that even scared her, “They are all going to pay. Each and every one of them.” Then he took the last sip of his margarita before they headed back to work. With the tequila from his margaritas running through his hot, lean body, Derek was given a strong boost of confidence. He was ready to go back to the office, and show them all who the real was boss. He was going to show them he was Derek Johnston. He wasn’t going to let the Shady Bunch get the best of him, or the worst. He was going to refresh their memory on why they were afraid of him in the first place. Derek stood up, he shook himself off and said confidently, and hotly, “Let’s go, I have follow-up pending.” Aubrey smiled and grabbed her oversized purse.

Derek acted like none of the Shady Bunch existed when he crossed paths with them back at the office. He acted like the weekend-getaway-from-hell was just a nightmare he had in his cubicle, versus all the fantasies he usually had in it. The Shady Bunch was shocked to see Derek’s reactions upon arrival back to work, late, and his sudden change of confidence in everything. Derek didn’t care about going back to work late, he had Pasqual to take care of things like that for him.

Derek called Emily on her extension to tell her about his reclaimed confidence, and that he felt a little better, but she didn’t answer. Derek purposely walked by Pasqual’s office to see what he was doing. Like the slacker he was, Pasqual made it very obvious he was on a personal call, a lengthy one as usual. Derek quickly put two and two together and let it go. Emily never called Derek back either.

Before the weekend-getaway-from-hell, Ghetto Gwendolyn let everyone know in advance what her plans were for her birthday. She told everyone early, and made it clear that she wanted no excuses on why no one could attend. Ghetto Gwendolyn wanted everyone there and wanted everyone to accommodate everything around her and her day, like an over the top diva. Gwendolyn was under the impression she was the queen bee and wanted everyone to bow down to her. Mainly she just wanted people to rave about her birthday to everyone so she could look cool and boost the confidence she lacked. Ghetto Gwendolyn wanted to overrule Jack’s birthday by one-hundred-ten percent, and with the Shady Bunch beefing it with Derek they were going to prove their “friendship” was securely bonded by throwing an event that did not contain a dramatic ending scene with him in it. Ghetto Gwendolyn wanted attention and attention was what she was going to get.

Gwendolyn originally included Derek in her gathering, but given what happened at the weekend-getaway-from-hell that all changed. In reciprocation, there was no way in hell Derek was going to show his face around those “inexperienced losers,” those “social imposters” as he put it. Derek called them that from now on whenever he referred to them as a whole. Derek saw them all as “pathetic posers,” too. He knew there was no real bond there. There only bond was trying to tear him down.

While in his cubicle pretending to work as usual with a slight buzz from lunch, Derek plotted on his soon to be rampage against the Shady Bunch. With her birthday just around the corner, Ghetto Gwendolyn was first on his list, besides having Jack always at the top of it. Drama was all over the office and it was planning to staying, permanently.

Since Gwendolyn gave away her plans already, Devious Derek decided how he would ruin them inside and out. He had a backup plan for his backup plan just so he could for sure have Gwendolyn squirm on the day she opted for the most attention. Like everything else, it all practically fell right into Derek’s lap.

Devious Derek planned a fake event at the same place where Ghetto Gwendolyn was having hers. Of course The Noir Bar, the place where Gwendolyn was planning to have her shindig at, already told Derek they were booked, but Derek worked his skills to get what he wanted. Derek managed to buy out the entire venue. Derek had a hacker friend hack into one of his beloved co-worker’s account and run a tab, a very large one, on their dime. Derek’s hacker friend told Derek he would increase the credit card limit so the lucky victim would possibly have to file bankruptcy.

“Do whatever you need to do and send yourself to Europe,” Derek told his anonymous hacker friend on his cellphone in his car in the parking lot with the windows rolled up and air conditioner on. The hacker friend owed Derek big time, and this was just considered a small favor. So many people owed Derek favors, and this was just one he thought of that he could cash in on. Derek had connects, and now, for Derek it was the best time to start cashing them in. All those nights partying in Hollywood and networking had really paid off for Derek. Derek didn’t just meet groupies, whores, and celebrities; he met people, useful people, real people.

As soon as Gwendolyn learned her party plans were ruined, she not only threw the biggest bitch fit, she had no other choice but to have to come up with a plan B. Her problem was, she had no plan B. She was so confident that everything was going to work out she thought, why bother!? The Noir Bar didn’t tell Gwendolyn until the last minute, the very last minute. Literally. They didn’t even want to refund her the deposit she put down either. The ghetto in Gwendolyn erupted when she got the news via text as she painted her eye brows with an imitation sharpie. The Noir Bar didn’t text her until a half an hour before her event started. Since Derek’s “payment” out ruled her by one-hundred percent, she was one of the first to lose out. “Fuck responding, I’m calling these mother fuckers!” Ghetto Gwendolyn said as she clenched her cellphone. The Noir Bar also told Gwendolyn she couldn’t go and try and crash the place as a guest either. “We’ve met capacity,” the bartender said before he hung up on Gwendolyn. Gwendolyn was so pissed that she messed up her eyebrows and now she looked more surprised than ever.

“It’s Gwendolyn’s party, and she will cry if she wants to,” Derek said to himself happily as he got ready for the last minute party he planned, courtesy of Gwendolyn. “Happy Birthday, G! This one is for you!” Derek added, cheerfully. He picked up his Jack and Coke and toasted to himself in the mirror. Derek was suited in a black Armani long sleeve. He thought it was the right call for the occasion.

Gwendolyn’s tragedy not only burned her out, but all her little shady-mates, too. On the contrary, it gave Derek much pleasure. Gwendolyn was forced to call off her event over all. The tears that formed in her eyes smeared her ganster-like eyeliner.

Some of the people who were going to attend Gwendolyn’s party still found something to do. They ended up going their own way and didn’t opt to party with Gwendolyn at all. MC and Oscar, who had been secretly hooking up since he and Celia called it quits, decided to meet up. Oscar was planning to “accidently” run into MC at The Noir Bar, but now they didn’t need to put on a charade. They simply made plans of their own. MC was really being hush about her affair because of Oscar’s latest scandal, but most of all she was hush about it because she didn’t want Gavin to find out. It would’ve devastated him. Neither of them would know where to start when it came to explaining how they came to be. MC and Gavin were supposedly BFFs, best frienemies forever, but everyone knew that when people became BFFs, courtesy of The Firm Firm, it was a friendship that consisted of secrets that the other kept from the other; the validity was more than questionable.

MC and Oscar started hooking up after the Employee Appreciation Party at the Chophouse. They crossed paths at the bathroom before MC left. She decided to hang out with Gwendolyn as she tried to make the moves on Oscar. MC laughed because she knew Gwendolyn wasn’t going to get anywhere with Oscar, but she gave her friend the boost of confidence she all so lacked. MC went to the bathroom, again, before she left, and Oscar followed her. He waited outside until she was done dropping a bomb, and then decided to hit on her. MC reciprocated. She hoped she didn’t smell, and flirted right back. She gave him her number, and Oscar said, “It’ll be our little secret.” MC made Oscar leave first so no smell followed her.

Minerva called Derek to see what he was doing. She invited him to the bar she was going to be at. Derek hopped on the invitation, especially when he knew Luke was going to be in attendance. Plus, Derek was happy because he knew his plan had successfully worked. Minerva’s call was confirmation. Derek called Emily to see where she was at, but she didn’t answer. Derek gave Emily the benefit of the doubt and called her again, twice. The calls went straight to voicemail. Emily had her phone off. She was obviously hiding, and she didn’t want people to know where she was or whom she was with. Derek became very annoyed. His teeth gritted, he thought evilly, this is only the beginning… Evil thoughts ran through Derek’s mind while on his way to meet Minerva and Luke. Derek reminded himself, everyone is an enemy.

“It’s not over,” Derek said to himself as he pulled into the parking lot of the bar where Minerva and Luke were at. Derek played dirty and did whatever he needed to for revenge. No one knew what Derek was capable of, not even him.

Copyright 2015 A product of OHMG Publishing

Derek understood the type of relationship he and Emily had. He understood his position in their twisted love-triangle and was fine with it. It was not like he wanted strings attached either, or did he? After days of dodging him, Emily and Derek finally talked. Emily pretended to be happy for Derek because his spirits were lifted and egged him on that everything was going to be fine. She insisted they hang out, so she and Derek arranged to have a little play date. They went to a cute little sushi house in Santa Monica off of Bundy Drive. They had a blast. Everything was great. They were in heaven, or actually back to heaven. It was probably the closest Emily was going to get to heaven because given the amount of sins she committed as a Christian, she was headed somewhere else; somewhere a little more South. Derek and Emily felt as if they were the only people on the planet. Despite knowing where and how he stood in the so-called relationship, Derek couldn’t help but begin to grow deeper feelings for Emily. Emily had Derek by the balls. She knew it, and so did he, and she took it for granted. And all Emily did was continue to let her fake feelings grow. For a quick second she actually started to feel something, but her heart belonged somewhere else. Derek told Emily everything about his weekend-getaway-from-hell for Jack’s birthday, and she was appalled. She couldn’t believe it. She was mad and pissed that they would act like that. Emily began to bad mouth the Shady Bunch, and she even made fun of them for acting like they all know it all. Emily was mainly shocked at how Gavin acted.

“Manly!?” Emily said, her crinkled forehead expressed pure confusion. She then took a sip of her hot sake. Even Evil Emily, “The Christian,” knew how the rules of Vegas went, and she always played by them. Good, too. Pasqual loved Vegas, and she loved going with him.

Derek won Emily over with his sad story. Emily expressed sympathy, deep sympathy, but it was all a sham. Only to an extent did she feel bad for him, but for the most part she had no real emotions to share. Emily was becoming more and more of an actress. She even believed herself at times. Subtly she kept looking at the time so she could prepare when Pasqual was going to call.

When it came to Emily, Derek was oblivious. Ignorance was more than bliss. Derek knew Emily had the tendency to lie, and was as bad as the next person on The Firm Firm’s payroll, but he always gave her the benefit of the doubt, like an idiot. Derek always brushed everything aside for Emily. He was her fool. He was beginning to really fall for her and she knew it.

Driving in a one-way direction, also, Emily was sprung on Pasqual. Pasqual loved being at the top of the food chain. Emily’s biggest problem was Pasqual’s wife. Emily needed to find a way to get rid of her once and for all.

While having sushi and enjoying their good buzz off of hot sake and beer, Emily and Derek decided to renew each other as each other’s Valentine. Derek forgot all about last Valentine’s Day. They began to make all sorts of plans. Derek plotted the best Valentine’s Day for them. He was willing to go all out and show a romantic side of himself that he didn’t even know existed: champagne and strawberries, sushi, chocolate covered strawberries, more sushi, candles, a nice picnic by a swan pond with a red and white flannelled blanket, holding each other as the sun set, having sex in public; the whole shebang. The more Derek talked, the more Emily egged him on on how romantic it would all be. Derek was under the impression Emily would comfort him all through his “low” time, and he knew that Pasqual was really going to be spending Valentine’s Day with his wife, so basically they were just using each other for comfort. That seemed to be the only real foundation of their relationship. Everyone was using everyone. Plus, no one wanted to be alone on Valentine’s Day. Everything seemed perfect for each of them. After their itinerary was laid out, Emily and Derek did a sake bomb in favor of Valentine’s Day.

The next day, Emily broke their entire plan off with Derek, via text. She claimed she had to do something with her church. Derek knew Emily was lying. Emily threw her plans with Derek in Pasqual’s face when he broke the news that they weren’t going to see each other at all, not in the early morning or late night, and Pasqual was furious. He forbade Emily to see Derek. Pasqual didn’t care. He put his foot down, hard. Emily tried to stand her ground too, but ultimately Pasqual won when he threatened to fire Derek if she saw him. Emily froze when she heard what Pasqual said he would do. That was when she knew he was serious and this was one battle she wasn’t going to win with him. Pasqual was and sounded so serious it frightened her.

Derek saw the text and was pissed. He replied with no response, just a blank text. He had nothing to say to her. That’s it! Derek thought. He was so pissed. Pissed! He felt like he had been betrayed by too many people from the office. Derek knew it was because of Pasqual. Last Valentine’s Day he let it slide, but this one was too much. Derek felt stupid because everyone at the office had deceived him in one way or another for their own agenda. People of The Firm Firm were really beginning to take Derek’s kindness for granted. The Firm Firm made Derek the disgruntled employee he became. What did I do for this treatment? Derek thought to himself, feeling sorry for himself. Everyone was now an enemy in Derek’s eyes. He was going to put his own foot down. He switched gears to Emily. He had Gwendolyn out of the way, and now he was going to get Emily. She played him one too many times. Enough is enough. Shame on me! Derek thought. Derek could feel his blood pumping, nervousness filled his body. “And then, I’ll get MC and Gavin at the same time! Two birds, one stone,” Derek said, vengefully, ready to break his phone after re-reading Evil Emily’s text.

Derek knew about MC and Oscar because Mingche told Louva, and Louva told Derek. Louva knew he wouldn’t say anything because he was no longer affiliated with the Shady Bunch, but Louva forgot the fact that the information was good blackmail material for Derek to use on Oscar since he was forbidden to date girls from The Firm Firm, and what the affair would do to MC and Gavin’s friendship, especially since in Gavin’s eyes his uncle was perfect who lived the perfect life happily married to his Aunt. Gavin would never trust MC again, and he would never look at his uncle the same. Gavin would be forced to tell the truth to his Aunt. Derek knew this would all do some serious damage, and have a massive ripple effect. Derek thought of all the possibilities. An evil grin appeared on his handsome looking face. It was a grin that seemed to appear a lot more than usual lately.

It was a new day, and Derek had his game face on when he arrived at the office, late. Derek showed up late on purpose. To get back at Evil Emily, Derek made Melanie his valentine and flourished her with gifts. He did his best to throw it all in Emily’s face. He even bought Melanie a charm bracelet from Tiffany’s. Melanie was so surprised, Emily was so hurt. Emily had been telling Derek she wanted that charm bracelet for the longest, and Derek gave it to Melanie right in front of Emily. After Emily and Derek parted from their sushi date the day they made their Valentine’s Day plans, Derek rushed to the Tiffany’s store in Beverly Hills to get it. Derek wasn’t lying when he said he wanted to get romantic on Emily, and she blew it to be blown off. Derek saw that his romantic gesture to Melanie hit Emily where it hurt her the most. As “Christian” as she was, Emily was also materialistic. Derek didn’t care because he compared it to the hurt he felt in his heart that she caused him.

Pasqual walked past Derek’s cubicle shamelessly. He acted like nothing. Derek greeted Pasqual in a sarcastic tone. Pasqual reciprocated. He had no remorse about ruining Derek’s weekend, or love life. Derek was madder at Emily for listening to Pasqual, than he was at Pasqual for manipulating Emily to kick Derek to the curb.

Derek was fighting a battle with almost everyone at the office. Because of all the drama from work coming down on him, Derek picked up his bad habits for a mental escape, and now that was taking a toll on him, too. Derek stressed himself out, and he began to lose it. His personal life and business life were clashing. He violated the number one rule: never mix business with pleasure. Derek felt suffocated. He picked up his cubicle phone and made an urgent appointment to see his shrink.

Monique, the new hire, was ready to haze Bertha, her new boss. Bertha micro-managed her like one wouldn’t believe. Monique was new, and did need extra attention, for now, but Bertha was taking it too far. Monique heard from Louva, of course, that Bertha couldn’t keep an employee if her life depended on it. Louva gave Monique the rundown of Bertha’s checkered history. No wonder she can’t keep an employee, Monique thought to herself as she listened to Louva give her the run down, looking more pleased than ever. Louva looked like she was ready to orgasm giving so much gossip out. Monique began to think of ways to set Bertha up for failure. She began to trick her and manipulate her into making wrong management choices, all so she could throw it in Bertha’s face at a later time. Monique gave Bertha bad work advice to help make her feel like a better boss. Monique was ready to send Bertha on a wild goose chase.

Since Bertha was very gullible, she listened to everything Monique said and took it all seriously. Bertha just had to be won over at the minimal, and from then on out she would believe anything someone said to her. Bertha was a loose cannon and a ticking time bomb. She scared people from the office when they would go to lunch because Bertha was capable of doing anything and everything. She would act sad for no apparent reason, and people expressed sympathy. Then she was happy and crazy. She was a true bi-polar case study. Bertha was special, cray-cray special. Bertha was unpredictable and yet people loved that about her. In a nut shell, to secure her position in management no one wanted her in, Bertha was just trying to please Monique and get on her good side. Bertha portrayed herself as a good boss when really she was a nervous wreck. Everyone dreaded Bertha’s office status and title. In reality, Bertha had the slightest idea on how to be a boss. She was almost as bad as Simon Sparrow, except she had a full head of hair and somewhat of a style.

Dani still despised Bertha, especially as a boss. Dani was always the first to question Bertha on everything. She loved giving her a hard time on purpose and it was all for Dani’s personal amusement.

The rain checked back into town. Monique, Derek, and Jennifer were forced to stay inside when break time came. Usually they’d go outside and absorb the sunshine because it was always dark and muggy inside The Firm Firm’s walls. Derek showed up late to work purposely, and he still had the nerve to take his break when it came up. Nothing came between Derek and his breaks. Derek hated going in the lunchroom during break because the Shady Bunch was always in there being overly loud and obnoxious acting like they owned the bitch. Derek, Monique, and Jennifer were in one corner. Mingche and Louva were in another. And the Shady Bunch was scattered out. Derek couldn’t look at Gwendolyn because all he wanted to do was laugh. Derek listened to see if anyone brought up Gwendolyn’s birthday, but not one peep was made.

As Derek walked out of the break room from his extended break he was not entitled to, Mingche tried to tell him something. Derek had Mingche repeat herself three times because he couldn’t hear her because the Shady Bunch tried to overpower him entirely. They were so loud and rowdy, like protestors. Finally Derek had enough. He shouted in the break room in front of everyone that he couldn’t hear Mingche because of the “loud-asses” that were trying to overpower him. Suddenly everyone and everything grew quiet. It was that awkward moment where suddenly everyone hears everything you say. Everyone looked at Derek in awe. He had the attention now, undivided attention. Jerome and Gwendolyn were shocked. Jack turned around quickly because he thought Derek was Nigel from the way his voice sounded. Jack grew excited. Mingche gave Derek the look of, no you didn’t… Louva was happy Derek did that because it caused the pot to stir. Louva sipped on her coffee in total amusement waiting for the next move. Louva loved her coffee almost as much as she loved drama.

How dare Derek come on our grounds and try and call the shots! Some of the Shady Bunch’s followers thought. No one had the balls to respond. Not their queen-bee Jack, or their wannabe queen-bee, Gwendolyn.

As Monique and Jennifer left the break room, Monique noticed something she never paid any attention to before: the suggestion box. The suggestion box welcomed any and all suggestions anonymously to help better the company, as if Herald, Gerald, and Doris were willing to take anyone’s feelings into consideration. All they care about was making sure they got their over ten-grand a month and not having any real bad publicity. They weren’t just horrible, terrible bosses, they were the epitome of the worst bosses.

Gavin and Kim noticed they were wearing matching clothes when they crossed paths at the recycle bin. Kim was happy because someone finally spoke to her in a positive tone and manner. Gavin didn’t understand why him matching with people at the office kept on happening. Is it because I have such a keen and diverse sense of fashion? Gavin thought as he walked back to his cubicle. A smile appeared on his young, handsome looking face.

Lance and Derek crossed paths in the bathroom and chit-chatted it up. They became closer after the weekend-getaway-from-hell since Lance was the only one there for him at the time. Lance walked in and immediately asked Derek what he was doing.

“Checking my neck for hickies,” Derek answered. He was focused on himself in the mirror, and then began to clean his chap-stick he said he recently loaned his friend. Derek had already moved on from Emily full throttle.

“New bitch?” Lance said, as he peed in the urinal.

“Something like that…” Derek answered.

“Who is she?” Lanced asked.

“I am not one to kiss and tell, and if I did then I would have to kill you,” Derek said, as he began to pee, too, in the urinal next to Lance.

Lance laughed.

“Do you ever feel like this place brings out the worst in you?” Derek asked Lanced as he shook himself off.

“Yes! This place is kind of… evil? Hostile, crazy to say the least.” Lanced said, as he walked toward the sink.

“Thank you. I suddenly feel normal,” Derek answered. He began to shake his wiener so no pee marks went through his expensive, khaki colored Express pants.

“You’re not normal. You’re Derek Johnston. Everyone is always concerned about you, trying to calculate your next move and making sure you’re ‘OK,’ and from the looks of it, that your appetite is satisfied. Whatever you do is right, even the wrong things. You’ve probably gotten away with murder so many times already! And had someone to successfully clean it up because they would love to be of assistance to you. It’s damn near disgusting!” Lance said with passion as he dried his hands.

“Really!?” Derek said as he walked toward the sink. A huge grin grew on his handsome looking face.

“Don’t act like you don’t know it!” Lance said, “No one remembers or cares about Vegas anymore.”

“I do,” Derek answered.

“So, this newbie, is she hot? Is she new?” Lance changed the subject quickly.

“I told you already, I’d have to kill you if I told you,” Derek shot back.

Lance rolled his eyes.

“BUT, I’ll tell you this… We have been hooking up secretly for some time and it was nothing I ever imagined or saw coming. Something like a sugar-mama. She’s hard to please, but she does me good,” Derek said.

“Girls, and women, love the bad boy and well, you’re you, you’re all of the above,” Lance said.

“Are you hitting on me?” Derek turned from looking in the mirror to face Lance.

Lanced rolled his eyes, made an expression and walked out saying, “You’re you!”

After his bathroom break, Derek fantasized in his cubicle. He noticed something funny about all the fat people in the office: they were all wearing pink. Derek then noticed Jerome was wearing a pink polo shirt, Gwendolyn was wearing a loose light pink dress, and even Doris was wearing pink, but she wasn’t that fat, just large, manly and muscular. Either way, Derek found it all so funny. He laughed to himself, as usual, in his cubicle. He then thought about slaughtering them all. Then he thought about having some bacon burgers.

That afternoon, an “anonymous” person put a suggestion in the suggestion box. This person suggested Bertha be reviewed as a manager. The suggestion included harsh complaints about Bertha. Now it was getting taken very seriously by Human Resources. Doris was back in the game to ruin people’s lives.

Derek was happy because he successfully convinced Simon to convince Herald and Gerald to give him a good raise. “I think you owe it to me,” Derek told Simon. Derek felt entitled, and he had no shame to share it because of how Simon screwed him before. Meanwhile, everyone else’s pay raise sucked. Simon came through for Derek because he knew he fucked up on him and did him dirty. Simon felt bad for the way he treated Derek over the past year when really he was nothing but a good sport who actually worked. Drinking on lunch break became the norm for Derek, Jennifer, and Monique as they all became better acquainted. They were almost as bad as Pasqual and Oscar. Lunch was their Happy Hour. Louva’s husband found out about her getting roughed up from her boy toy. Out of pure anger, Louva’s husband beat her ass. Louva was manhandled by another man. She was in bad shape. She was a bloody Valentine.

Clara, Doris’s new victim-slash-the new Celia, was added to the payroll. Clara put together a tennis team. Derek, Ramona, Karla, Rahshad, Marco, Sonya, Irma and a few others were the first to opt in to join. Bertha knew no one wanted her, so she didn’t even bother. After his first tennis practice, Derek made a special visit to that someone he was referring to when he and Lance were having their chat in the men’s room. Despite Derek being hot and sweaty, he still went. And since he was Derek Johnston, he looked good in anything, especially messy hair and sweat. Even his sweat smelled good. Derek wasn’t going to waste anymore of his time with little girls. He was planning on being with a woman, a woman who would take care of him and who better than Amanda von Carson to be that woman. Yes, Amanda was a bitch, a hard to please bitch, but Derek being Derek was able to crack that code, and little did Derek know that she was going to make him her bitch, too. Amanda had money, power, a damn attitude, and an ego that all went hand in hand together. Yes, Amanda had a rock hard façade, but inside, she was warm, fuzzy, and lonely. Moguls had feelings, and needs, too. The last relationship Amanda was in she ended just like that, within a snap of a finger. She called her boyfriend up and said they were done. She hung up on him like nothing, never to be communicated with again.

At first, Derek and Amanda’s thing was a casual thing, nothing serious, just random sex when she wanted it, of course. It all started at the closing of the Tower in the Cloud merger. Amanda made a comment to Derek, and Derek got her joke. He wanted to laugh, but he didn’t want to get yelled at. Derek couldn’t contain his laughter. It was a side he never saw of Amanda. She then demanded they go to her “estate” to get some files for the “bitch,” as she described it, it being Lydia Virgin. Derek knew then and there that not only was he in, but he was staying in. Everything was always on her turf. From the get go, Amanda told herself she would never take Derek serious though. He was too much of a kid for her, and she was too much of a bitch, and woman, for him.

Derek and Amanda’s “little” fling had now become full throttle. All that huffing and puffing she would do to scare him was nothing. Amanda was cynical. She was a diva, an over the top diva. One thing led to another, and Amanda always caught herself reaching for her phone to call Derek when she had one too many glasses of pinot grigio in her system. Before she knew it she was hooked on him.

“I’ll never admit it though,” Amanda said drunkenly as she sipped the last of her grigio pissed because she was going to bed alone.

Amanda made a lot more money than Derek did. Derek milked Amanda for all he could. He wanted her to pay, literally. Amanda not only had money, but she also had brains. Her brain was good, she was a good business woman. She had been in the business for so long of course she was going to know how to use her mouth. Half the time she intimidated Derek. She had the tendency to put him in his place, which was what he liked. Derek was fine being her bitch as long as the price was right. Derek was not selling himself to her, but if Amanda were to offer anything to him he would accept it with no questions asked, and we’ll just say that Amanda was a very generous and giving person. Amanda made her bitch, her bitch. Amanda was totally fine acting as Derek’s sugar momma. She wanted only one string attached to her. They both saw it no other way.

Derek was shocked when he arrived at Amanda’s estate. Amanda set-up candles and wine everywhere. She was in the romantic mood, ironically. After getting settled in, Derek and Amanda showered together to get all the sweat off him. They scrubbed and rubbed each other’s dripping wet body. Lathery soap was everywhere.

“I’m so hungry,” Derek whispered in Amanda’s ear.

“We’ll order something,” Amanda responded.

The appetite Derek was referring to was eating Amanda out, and that was what he began to do. Derek ate Amanda out like a starving kid from Ethiopia. Amanda loved being eaten out, and Derek loved to please. Amanda became loud in the steaming, hot shower. She kicked the shower door hard. Derek put his lengthy hand on the door to stop the rattling.

“Shut up,” Derek said, in a low toned voice.

“You shut up!” Amanda fired back.

Amanda wouldn’t though. She was louder. Sweat from the steam ran down their fit bodies. Derek was fully erected, but Amanda didn’t want that yet. Derek was so hard he not only tingled at the tip of his manhood, but hurt a little, too, waiting patiently. Derek manhandled Amanda in the shower like the man he was, and she let it all happen like the woman she was. Amanda didn’t care if her neighbors could hear. And if they could, that meant she was really loud because she had a huge house with a lot of privacy. The bathroom mirrors were steamy, water ran down them. Steam circulated in the air. Sweat continuously ran down their bodies. “Oops,” Amanda said, as she purposely dropped the bar of soap. As she bent over she gave Derek the eye and poked her butt into his stiff dick. Derek grabbed her by the waist. He pushed her head down, wrapped his hand in her wet hair and began to tug on it firmly as he grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her towards him. Derek adjusted his cock perfectly into Amanda. She made a loud, mini shriek that expressed a painful pleasure. Derek slipped his cock into her, and out of her just so he could hear her squeal. Derek continued in the doggy-style position. Amanda became louder, and even louder when she was about to climax. Then, it happened. Amanda climaxed, four times.

After they both finished, they stood there letting their bodies take over themselves and enjoy the tingling feeling that ran through their veins; the ecstasy of the sexual intercourse. The water from the shower head ran down their naked, hot bodies. Neither of them wanted to move. Amanda’s oversized shower was the spot to be.

“Chinese?” Amanda said. She kissed Derek. She was pleased on the number he just performed on her. They had to take another shower in cold water to feel re-refreshed, to get the sweat off them. Regardless of the water temperature, and Derek’s shrinkage, they did it again. Derek lasted longer, and Amanda made him finish before he wanted to.

As Derek called it a night at Amanda’s after their Chinese take-out, and another round of going at it on the couch waiting for the delivery boy to arrive, Amanda walked Derek to the door. Before they parted, she reminded him of one thing, “No one can ever know.” Amanda told Derek fiercely and seriously, as if she was threatening him. Amanda cared about her image. She wasn’t going to let the one thing that brought them together push them apart. “Lunch is on me,” Amanda told Derek. She put three one-hundred dollar bills in Derek’s front pocket. She brushed her hand up against his unit on the way out. Derek smirked. Amanda went in to kiss Derek on the lips. Derek moved his head so she could only kiss cheek.

Copyright 2015 A product of OHMG Publishing

Call me crazy, call me absurd, call me Over.The.Top for crying out loud, but I love the fact that I can say whatever I want when I want how I want and not have to worry about offending people around me. And no, it has nothing to do with the fact that I have never been shy to give my take on things, or the fact that they [the locals] cannot understand me! LMFAO!

No one knows what I say. I feel like I’m a character, or star, lol, of a TV show that breaks the fourth wall. There’s just so much honesty out there, and you don’t have to worry about someone thinking you’re a racist for making any little comment. Ay, Americans! Or rather, wannabe Americans. What would my show be called…?

[Here we go again]

LOL. This trip was meant to be an alternate to reality and it has become more like a fantasy.

[Enough!]

I should name this part of my life, “Made in China” because apparently everything is “Made in China!” As a person, despite the fact that on occasion I can feel alienish, I am growing and “being made” in China. And speaking of being made in China, “The Cubicle Diaries: Friends Close, Co-Workers Closer” is fully sculpted. Might I say, OMFGG! I cannot wait to share it. I am going to share an entire blog on that, and for the anniversary my launch party, I’m going to do something very special. I can’t wait. Wow, I have devoted so much time to Volume II. I’m in love with it. I swear, on occasion, certain quotes the characters say will pop into my head, and then I think, to think, I created that. It’s great. Anyhow, back to the American in Asia…

Going back to talking to yourself out loud, I’ve never seen anything wrong with it. They say we’re our own best friend, and that we should know ourselves, so what’s wrong with talking to yourself? I actually see myself as a good conversationalist.

[Enough!]

Right.

They say when you start arguing with yourself then it’s a problem. I refuse to continue from here on about the matter, because some might try and put me on a 5150 hold.

Apparently water is the solution to everything here, especially hot water. No pun intended.

You have a stomach ache? Have some water.

You have leg cramps? Have some warm water.

You’re having a heart attack from all the oil we use? Let me get the boiling water!

BUT! I like it. I think the most challenging change for some [to overcome] is the emotional one: being so far from what we think we know, not knowing the language or how to communicate, the feeling of having to start over, the fear of anything could go wrong; vulnerability. We should only think about all the good things out of this all: reinforcing yourself, facing any fears you have, learning what we don’t know so we don’t look so damn naïve! There’s so much good out of it all. There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. And to be honest, some of the people we surround ourselves by can be seen as complete strangers sometimes, so really, what makes them so different from the locals here. And I can say, the locals here can be A LOT nicer than the locals where we’re all from. They’re friendly. Well, maybe I’ve just been fortunate to have good experiences here. You get what you give. You have to want to be here. You have to be inviting. You have to be happy, especially with yourself, and if you’re not, hopefully one can find it here, in the unfamiliar, or wherever your foreign place is.

[Enough about the emo shit]

It’s tripped me out a few times. When I overhear a local’s convo, just like they overhear mine and have no idea what the hell I’m saying, I can swear on occasion that they’ll say a random sentence clearly in English. I turn around and am like, what!?! The other day I heard, “what community college did you go to?” I was like, what the fuck!? They weren’t talking to me, they were talking to their Chinese friend. And then I swore I thought I heard, “Is this your sperm?” I was like, what the fuck is going on here!? Only in China! Some random shit happens here.

They don’t have cash registers, they have cash boxes. They’re either in the form of an old beaten up knock off shoe box, a bucket, or a somewhat decent lock box or a pouch! Right there, all their money. One big wad. That shows how safe it can be here. But! Don’t get it twisted, every town has its crime. And, every setting has its scandal, and yes! Even in the workplace, BUT don’t get it twisted, there will not be a “The Cubicle Diaries 2.0.”

So, I’ve seen some crazy stuff happen over here, pretty out there stuff, but one of the most interesting, and comedic, things I’ve saw thus far was when I was on my way to work. I was walking happily, listening to Fleetwood Mac, and I was appalled at what I saw on the floor. I was like, fffuuuuckkkkk! So, China has their one-child per family law, but you get away with it if you have money in the bank. This just shows you how serious people take that law. I saw on the floor 6 morning after pill boxes. On the floor, out in the open. Someone’s trash got knocked out, and there they were, all the empty boxes, all over the floor. I laughed my ass off. I was like, damn! They get it on and follow the rules! Hhheeyyyy! I guess they also like the natural feeling! It was high-larious. Some simply don’t believe in condoms, but they believe in birth controlling! Which is good. If only so many people were smarter thinkers, then we wouldn’t have so many bastard children that turn into idiots or criminals.

Over here everyone seems to be living so freely. The government may control everything, even the heat, but in the midst of it all everyone is doing whatever in the hell they want to. It’s cool. And it’s still controlled in a big city. As I walk the streets, I’ll stumble across a hustler, or hustling family, with some knock offs. I’m like, oh, this is where they get them from! They look real. The men don’t have regular bi-fold wallets like they do in most parts of the world, they have the long wallets that women tend to have. They also have man-purses, like everyone in Europe and England. The US is so behind the times. I tried McDonald’s the other day —just to see how it compared to a McDonald’s in America. Instead of having vanilla as their soft serve ice cream, they had green tea ice cream. I was like no f’n way! I should’ve got a chocolate dipped green tea ice cream. Anyhow, the McDonald’s is just as good. They’re tight, they don’t give soda refills anywhere! The air quality may be poor, but I can breathe friendly.

Oh China, I love you, what will I discover of you next?

I did it! I traded my palm trees for willow trees. Talk about living out of your comfort zone! “This isn’t Beverly Hills…” LMFAO, or even more so, “The Hills” –LMFAO! It’s been one moon, and I think it is safe to say, I’m settled in! I am truly “An American in Asia.” Allusion intended!

Time is kind of going by slow. My schedule is so opposite. It’s been opposite, but now, it is literally opposite. I think I still may be jet lagged, but I’m jet lagged at home! LOL. I’ve met some cool people; people I knew were out there… I have such a respect for the foreigners here. We up and left our place and just moved to China! And not just “China” but China, China, because although they are great, Beijing and Shanghai are Americanized; Ji’nan, not so much.

It’s all so crazy here! At times, I’ll be like, out of nowhere, I can’t believe I’m in fucking China! Like the crazy I am –for being in China, and the standard crazy I am. The locals trip me out. You see the wise old people staring at life and nature. Everyone is on bikes. There’s so many people and bikes, but not freakishly like in Amsterdam. You will get ran over! By car or bike. And they LOVE their horn. They honk for ANYTHING! They can see you from a mile away, but they’ll honk just so you know they’re coming! LMFAO. Driving rules: there are none. Take up two lanes? It’s OK! Everyone and their mother will honk at you until you move, or when someone drives on the wrong side of the road to cut you off Nicole Richie status. The taxi drivers are nice, and they are rather cheap, when it comes to the money conversion, kind of like in America when Uber it first started, not Uber now, because Uber now has its head in the clouds… [Enough!]

But since the drivers are crazy, the taxi driver will get you there. The inside of the taxis are caged –yes, apparently the animals will bite! But nothing is like the buses –can someone crack a damn window! But that shits cheap and it will get you there! Plus, I love commuting on the bus because you get a good glimpse of the city. Know your surroundings! Maybe that’s the spectator in me. I do like watching… and putting on a show. LOL. [Enough!]

If there is something else that the locals love besides their horns and pork, it is foreigners! I get stared at so much! Everyone stares. I’m like, hhhheyyyy! I’m celebrity status. Feed my ego some more. Just the other day, a lady –on her bike—as I was leaving Wal-Mart –yes, there is a Wal-Mart— pulled over and shouted to me, “My child loves foreigners!” I was like, “OMG! Thank you!” I was shocked and waved. The funny thing her child was looking the other way in la-la land kicking it on her mom’s bike! LMFAO! Oh, China! I love it!

Then, when I’m in public, public the locals will hardly ask, “Can I take a picture of you?” They’ll just take one of you sneakingly! It’s hilarious. Or they’ll record you. It’s HIGHlarious! It’s cute. If I wasn’t me, I’d date me. It’s OK! My new name for the locals I’m always around, “Handsome Boy.” “Oh, handsome boy, hi!” I’m like, “please stop, you’re making it all worse!” [OMFGG!] #idiot

China can be so random. Popping a squat –handle it! Literally! Some would DIE! And laugh with the bathrooms. Peeing in public –OK! Hawking a noogie –best man, or woman, win! You can smoke a cigarette everywhere, even in the non-smoking sections. I feel like I just left Vegas sometimes.

I thought America’s gov’t closely watched everyone’s webcam, China’s controls everything. You need a VPN to do almost anything, and even then sometimes the internet is sketchy. But EVERYONE has the internet here. The internet is everywhere. The gov’t can even control your heating. I’m like, fuckkkk… they’lll let a bitch freeze to death for pleasure! LOL. I have heard it snows here, and that brings a smile to my face, because, aside from a lot, I left Los Angeles for a different type of weather! It’s autumn here now, and tonight it felt cold. I was like, yessss! I may be of the spring, but I love the fall! What’s iRONic about things, too, besides nearly everything that happens here for me, and it has nothing to do with my fascination for numerology, Ji’nan is known for its springs! I am of the spring! Anyhow… There’s lots of flying bugs, but that’s everywhere. There’s jitterbugs. Pun intended. The air quality can get pretty bad. But when it is clear and beautiful, it is clear and beautiful. You better hit a lake, mountain, or spring! There’s also beautiful canals here. Ji’nan is known for beauty. I’m lucky to experience it.

Nearly everyone is always on their phones. WeChat is China’s Facebook. Literally, everything and everyone is on it, except for yours truly, and that is only because I have not downloaded the app. I’ve tried but my POS phone wouldn’t open it. To be honest, I would like to have it, but it is the least of my worries. I want to get in touch with my new city, get better affiliated with my work place, focus on Volume Two of “The Cubicle Diaries” and continue to work on my new project, Strange Dreams & Other Things. I am excited for it! It’s a lot, I will tell you. I’m excited for it!! “TCD” is and will always be there, but being in China has caused me to produce a whole other piece of work that can help me exercise my skill. It’s a series of short writings, kind of like an anthology. It will have specific motifs and themes, which I will leave the reader to identify. It should be interesting. I want to exercise my skill-s!!! LOL.

The food is good, BUT it can be heavy. The locals cook with A LOT of oil. I’m like, “DAMN!” It’s crazy! They also cook with a lot of spices, too, so if you have an easy stomach, take precautions. The food is good. There is a Starbucks –no comment. LOL. It’s the CBTL in me. There is a Papa John’s, KFC, Burger King, and Pizza Hut –of that I have seen. I like to stick to the mom’s & pop’s. Personally, the local fast food chains are overpriced, too, besides brands we’re used to in America. But then, after it all, I’m like, can I please get a fucken salad! If I was concerned about becoming a rhino then, imagine what I am feeling now! There is lots of good wine, the beer is watered down. But don’t get me wrong, you still get fffuuuuuccckkkkkkeeeddddd up here.

One of my favourite high notes is, when a local KNOWS you don’t know any Chinese, but they continue to carry-on what seems like an entire convo. They KNOW you can’t respond & CRACKS ME UP! & Chinese is not like Spanish where you can kind of match the words by familiarity. The Chinese [language], here, and English are sooooo different! I’m just like, OK! Thank you. Bye.

Do I miss “it”?

I will tell you, if blondes are meant to have “more fun,” I’m loving it as a blonde & I can always buy “American Horror Story” on DVD.

Oh, China! To be An American in Asia.

To be continued…

  

This time I’m not going on vacation and returning in a few weeks. This time I’m not changing zip codes. This time I’m changing continents. This time I’m moving, and I don’t know if I will be back. I said it before, I will say it again, no matter where life or my career shall take me, I will forever be an Angelino. This is what I want. This is what I’ve been yearning for. And call me cliché, but this type of advancement given to me is because I worked for it, and because I graduated from college. I am soooo excited. It all doesn’t seem real. And for the questions of those who are questioning me and my writing career —it’s still going to happen! I will do whatever I can to make sure “The Cubicle Diaries” Volume Two and Three get published. After all, they say, everything is ‘Made in China’. I’m not stopping. For what? I’ve been proven many times I am still meant to be here, and while I’m here, I’m going to prove I’m meant to be here. All this time I was hustling and bustling, and putting so much pressure on myself to make shit happen, and now, I’m no longer the driver, Fate is. I just shifted to cruise control, and turned up my Fleetwood Mac.

Recently I learned, despite that it’s a cliché, what’s meant to be, will be. So many people say it, but all they do is talk out of their fucking ass. Few REALLY understand the meaning of it. People and their words. It’s kind of like having an identity nowadays, and we all know identity is questionable, especially with the fucking internet. It’s kind of like having true happiness, especially within yourself. You have to earn true happiness, otherwise, you will never enjoy the true high it gives you. And for those naïve fucks, you’ll never wake up one day and be like, OK, I’m happy! I’m learning, every day, that anything is possible. YOU just have to REALLY want something in order for it to happen, and FYI, nothing happens overnight. Obstacles are purposely thrown in our direction to test us how strong we are, and if we hold in there, shit will happen. I’m not speaking out of my ass, I’m speaking from experience. There’s a reason what only certain people “make it” in the world. What comes easy won’t last, and what lasts won’t come easy. “I’ve noticed [lately] that the harder I seem to work, the more luck I have.” We have to want to change. My thing is I’ve never really lived in my comfort zone, because I’ve always wanted more, and now, comfort is over the Atlantic. [I’m in fucking CHINA for Christ’s sake! OMFGG!] We have to want to face the unknown. We have to want more. We have to be scared to overcome it. I’m ready for a new day, and every day is a new day, and believe it or not, every day entails a new story, a new beginning, which leads to a whole new chapter. This departure from my homeland is not the start of a new chapter, I see it as the start of a whole new volume. Because every book eventually runs out of paper, and we can only have so many chapters. All this is is my stepping stone.

I’m FINALLY Leaving Los Angeles, and now I will be An American in Asia. I’m going global –again, but this time it’s different. I will admit, there are some I could careless to see off. For what? All those certain people did was take me, my friendship, and my presence for granted. I get it, we all live our own lives, and I use ‘lives’ widely, but when we look at it, who is the last one laughing? Go live that sad little life you call life. Bitch, I say this confidently now, I have a reason and the capacity to say it now, and what I will say is, I’M NOT DONE. People always talking about, I’ll cut certain people off at this point and that point. Newsflash! Your scissors are dull, and the only thing you are cutting is your life short. I don’t have remorse, I have relief. Relief I don’t have to worry about running into you, or seeing another fake post, or hearing some gossip about you that is probably the truth. They say, let it go, I’ve let it go like I’ve let you go; they say everything comes full circle, I’m about as full as a binge eater on Thanksgiving. I LOVE hearing some people to say, I’ll go visit you! My thoughts are, I’d LOVE to see that happen. First off, you couldn’t even visit me in Hollywood over the hill, and now you want to visit me on the other side of the world!?! Apparently, returning a call and a text was going out on a limb, and now… never mind! I’M OVER YOU! Like I’m over the way people overrate LA. Save your hot breath. I have shit I have to take care of. But thank you for pretending to care. But I will still love you as my fan. I thought I was the one close to acting, living in Hollywood and all… One day you will be a star. As for the people who really made the effort to see me off, all I can do is honor them to the maximum amount of generosity my body occupies.

I’m ready. I’m ready to move on, I’m ready for a career, I’m ready to have real Chinese food from China! So for some of you, goodbye, good riddance, good luck; VeniVidiVici. I hope everyone finds whatever they are looking for. Please keep in mind though, things will only happen if you take a chance, make a change, and ultimately, take a risk. The end of the summer may be coming, but for me, it is the start of my new life.

I thought I understood that voice inside me,

And the things people said about you,

But because of you,

I learned I can’t trust myself, I can’t trust others, and I learned I was always right questioning everything.

You fooled me for the fool I am.

I am a fool.

And the only thing I got out of it all

Was a lesson learned.

I’m writing you off,

I’m letting you go,

But,

Don’t get it twisted,

This work here only took the amount of time you gave me affection.

Stupid?

Fuck yeah.

Naïve?

A little…

Desperate?

Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. You are not THAT important. You’re not even all that.

They say love is blind,

And all I did was have my Ray-Bans on in the dark.

I can’t believe I held my breath,

I can’t believe I was ready to change,

I can believe,

Like magic you were too good to be true.

You witch,

You bitch,

You little fucken trick,

You turned me on, and then you turned me off,

As easy as a light switch.

Now,

This light has burned out,

No one paid the electric bill,

So even if I wanted to,

I couldn’t turn back.

No one is home,

The locks have been changed,

And there are bars on the window.

It’s not you, it’s me.

No, it really is you.

I won’t follow you anymore,

Because you lead me to nowhere.

And when I mean nowhere,

I mean nowhere.

Like a phantom,

You are gone.

You no longer appear,

Not even in my fantasies,

Not even in my nightmares.

And let’s just say,

I’m a daydreamer.

I just want you to know,

I’ve moved on,

Wrote my stories,

My love gashes will heal on their own.

They always do.

Hate?

…I’m almost there!

Heartache,

Heartbreak,

Stupidity,

It’s all the same,

But for my sake,

I’ll never give in again.

FUMD

Through the woods, the dark woods: Oakwood, Elmwood, Rosewood, Maplewood, Ridgewood, Lockwood, Lanewood, and of course, the infamous Hollywood, I search of something I may never find. Something akin to the Fountain of youth. Vine is what holds the city together. It’s more like the El Centro of things. That seems Normal. Sadly, some only see the Sunset. It must have something to do with the Western hemisphere. All throughout the canyons: Laurel, Beachwood and Runyon, I search for a meaning, a meaning for myself, a meaning which I may never understand. I know any vagabond can always find comfort at Afton Place, or you can always catch me like a Mariposa in flaneur mode on Sycamore. They call it the land of make believe. I call it the land of wonders, something like a concrete jungle, but equipped with real plants like Las Palmas, Lemon Grove, Romaine, Poinsettia; or an exotic Primrose, Yucca, or Heliotrope, and beautiful vistas of Alta and Sierra to go with them.

Oh the life of a Gardner!

Trying to make it here and survive is like a Marathon, but once you make it, it’s your own personal Gramercy, it’s your Highland, or rather Crescent Height. This place is one of the few places where it’s OK to not be yourself, a place where the opportunity of reinvention is something all the civilians yearn for; it’s passed out like free meals and everyone wants to be a part of the Commonwealth. It’s the place where dreams can become reality, and sadly, it’s also the place where dreams become nightmares.

I don’t call the shots, I’m not a Cherokee. I let the Cosmo do its thing. A place full of weirdos? Sure! I’ll take it. Hell, I’ll even vouch for it. If you can’t beat them, join them! But how do we not know the normals aren’t freaks themselves? I’ll tell you this, Hollywoodland is where everyone goes when they decide to try something new, or even more so, something old. They say old habits die hard, and let’s just say this place is full of old, and bad, habits; anything goes. Look at the industry and spawns it has created. If only we knew what really happens after hours in those Studio Executive Suites, or even more so, at the top of the infamous Roosevelt Hotel.

Secrets and scandal: this place is full of them, and in order to make it, you must have a few dark ones of your own, regardless of whom you are and where you came from. In this place, the darkness is the light, and you better go get your designer sunglasses because everything matters on the outside here. You could be black as Cole on the inside, but on the outside you better shine Fuller than anyone else, because here, once you blink, instead of wink, you lose your place, and you may never get noticed again. You’re rolling with the big dawgs now, “We’re not in Kansas anymore” so “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night!” I don’t know what is worse? The underrating of the city, or the overrating of the city. I get the business politics, I don’t entirely understand the night life politics, especially at the whack ass, played out, ghetto places off Selma. Glamour hung over and reigned across the land, once upon a time. And now, the replacements are foreigners, groupies, and smog; always coming and going, like fashion, like the Argyle pattern. The only thing familiar to the land is the unfamiliar. Be in Waring mode. Trust no one. People are so quick to lose themselves here, and only the strong survive. Fuck your Sun block, you better have thick skin. Leave your virtue and conscience at the Cahuenga pass. Here one day and not the next… That long time motto sounds about right.

But when you learn to love this land, this small community is yours to keep, love, and cherish, and question whether you will ever leave or not. This land is what I have learned to love and call home. Frolicking my way through everything, I never want to leave. I’ll create my own star. I’ll go down in the books and out with a bang.

I do always think about what was going through the mind of the Wilcox family when they founded this city. I’m sure the only thing was Prospect. But did they have any idea of what they were creating? The beast, the gem, the place I have fallen head over Hills for? “Hollywood” is synonymous for soooo many things, and not necessarily in a good connotation either, but like most things you have to take the good with the bad and ride it out, as if you were June, stuck right in the middle, black and white.

Hollywoodland, Hollywood for short.