An American in Asia

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I did it! I traded my palm trees for willow trees. Talk about living out of your comfort zone! “This isn’t Beverly Hills…” LMFAO, or even more so, “The Hills” –LMFAO! It’s been one moon, and I think it is safe to say, I’m settled in! I am truly “An American in Asia.” Allusion intended!

Time is kind of going by slow. My schedule is so opposite. It’s been opposite, but now, it is literally opposite. I think I still may be jet lagged, but I’m jet lagged at home! LOL. I’ve met some cool people; people I knew were out there… I have such a respect for the foreigners here. We up and left our place and just moved to China! And not just “China” but China, China, because although they are great, Beijing and Shanghai are Americanized; Ji’nan, not so much.

It’s all so crazy here! At times, I’ll be like, out of nowhere, I can’t believe I’m in fucking China! Like the crazy I am –for being in China, and the standard crazy I am. The locals trip me out. You see the wise old people staring at life and nature. Everyone is on bikes. There’s so many people and bikes, but not freakishly like in Amsterdam. You will get ran over! By car or bike. And they LOVE their horn. They honk for ANYTHING! They can see you from a mile away, but they’ll honk just so you know they’re coming! LMFAO. Driving rules: there are none. Take up two lanes? It’s OK! Everyone and their mother will honk at you until you move, or when someone drives on the wrong side of the road to cut you off Nicole Richie status. The taxi drivers are nice, and they are rather cheap, when it comes to the money conversion, kind of like in America when Uber it first started, not Uber now, because Uber now has its head in the clouds… [Enough!]

But since the drivers are crazy, the taxi driver will get you there. The inside of the taxis are caged –yes, apparently the animals will bite! But nothing is like the buses –can someone crack a damn window! But that shits cheap and it will get you there! Plus, I love commuting on the bus because you get a good glimpse of the city. Know your surroundings! Maybe that’s the spectator in me. I do like watching… and putting on a show. LOL. [Enough!]

If there is something else that the locals love besides their horns and pork, it is foreigners! I get stared at so much! Everyone stares. I’m like, hhhheyyyy! I’m celebrity status. Feed my ego some more. Just the other day, a lady –on her bike—as I was leaving Wal-Mart –yes, there is a Wal-Mart— pulled over and shouted to me, “My child loves foreigners!” I was like, “OMG! Thank you!” I was shocked and waved. The funny thing her child was looking the other way in la-la land kicking it on her mom’s bike! LMFAO! Oh, China! I love it!

Then, when I’m in public, public the locals will hardly ask, “Can I take a picture of you?” They’ll just take one of you sneakingly! It’s hilarious. Or they’ll record you. It’s HIGHlarious! It’s cute. If I wasn’t me, I’d date me. It’s OK! My new name for the locals I’m always around, “Handsome Boy.” “Oh, handsome boy, hi!” I’m like, “please stop, you’re making it all worse!” [OMFGG!] #idiot

China can be so random. Popping a squat –handle it! Literally! Some would DIE! And laugh with the bathrooms. Peeing in public –OK! Hawking a noogie –best man, or woman, win! You can smoke a cigarette everywhere, even in the non-smoking sections. I feel like I just left Vegas sometimes.

I thought America’s gov’t closely watched everyone’s webcam, China’s controls everything. You need a VPN to do almost anything, and even then sometimes the internet is sketchy. But EVERYONE has the internet here. The internet is everywhere. The gov’t can even control your heating. I’m like, fuckkkk… they’lll let a bitch freeze to death for pleasure! LOL. I have heard it snows here, and that brings a smile to my face, because, aside from a lot, I left Los Angeles for a different type of weather! It’s autumn here now, and tonight it felt cold. I was like, yessss! I may be of the spring, but I love the fall! What’s iRONic about things, too, besides nearly everything that happens here for me, and it has nothing to do with my fascination for numerology, Ji’nan is known for its springs! I am of the spring! Anyhow… There’s lots of flying bugs, but that’s everywhere. There’s jitterbugs. Pun intended. The air quality can get pretty bad. But when it is clear and beautiful, it is clear and beautiful. You better hit a lake, mountain, or spring! There’s also beautiful canals here. Ji’nan is known for beauty. I’m lucky to experience it.

Nearly everyone is always on their phones. WeChat is China’s Facebook. Literally, everything and everyone is on it, except for yours truly, and that is only because I have not downloaded the app. I’ve tried but my POS phone wouldn’t open it. To be honest, I would like to have it, but it is the least of my worries. I want to get in touch with my new city, get better affiliated with my work place, focus on Volume Two of “The Cubicle Diaries” and continue to work on my new project, Strange Dreams & Other Things. I am excited for it! It’s a lot, I will tell you. I’m excited for it!! “TCD” is and will always be there, but being in China has caused me to produce a whole other piece of work that can help me exercise my skill. It’s a series of short writings, kind of like an anthology. It will have specific motifs and themes, which I will leave the reader to identify. It should be interesting. I want to exercise my skill-s!!! LOL.

The food is good, BUT it can be heavy. The locals cook with A LOT of oil. I’m like, “DAMN!” It’s crazy! They also cook with a lot of spices, too, so if you have an easy stomach, take precautions. The food is good. There is a Starbucks –no comment. LOL. It’s the CBTL in me. There is a Papa John’s, KFC, Burger King, and Pizza Hut –of that I have seen. I like to stick to the mom’s & pop’s. Personally, the local fast food chains are overpriced, too, besides brands we’re used to in America. But then, after it all, I’m like, can I please get a fucken salad! If I was concerned about becoming a rhino then, imagine what I am feeling now! There is lots of good wine, the beer is watered down. But don’t get me wrong, you still get fffuuuuuccckkkkkkeeeddddd up here.

One of my favourite high notes is, when a local KNOWS you don’t know any Chinese, but they continue to carry-on what seems like an entire convo. They KNOW you can’t respond & CRACKS ME UP! & Chinese is not like Spanish where you can kind of match the words by familiarity. The Chinese [language], here, and English are sooooo different! I’m just like, OK! Thank you. Bye.

Do I miss “it”?

I will tell you, if blondes are meant to have “more fun,” I’m loving it as a blonde & I can always buy “American Horror Story” on DVD.

Oh, China! To be An American in Asia.

To be continued…

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