I love my apt. I love the layout of it. I love that it’s vintage-ish. I love being home. I feel like I can really call it “home.” It’s in the biggest building I’ve lived in thus far. Actually, my China apartment, which I LOVED, was just as good & in a bigger building. I don’t miss California, per se, but I do miss Hollywood & the last apartment I lived in there. Anyhow, I love my current housing situation. I’m fortunate. I live right by the train, have great eateries in my neighbourhood, & of course, a library. Sometimes I force myself to get out because I get too comfortable. We should never live too comfortably, by the way. My neighbourhood has nearly everything. I also live right by the “beach.” I traded beaches for lakes. Hey, if it has sand, a current, a lifeguard, & the word “beach” in the name of the location, it’s a damn beach! I like my property manager. I also have a great street view. In front of my windows I have trees, so I can have some public privacy when my shades, not stunners, are up & open. Sometimes I’ll sit on my couch & ponder & watch people as they pass by. I’m a spectator.

In the winter, the trees are naked, their souls are exposed [“Nymphomaniac” vol. I & II]. In the spring & summer the trees are full & green. Last year I wrote about constantly seeing spiders in my window pane. I saw all sorts of kinds. I was a little alarmed, but then I thought, like always, life is talking to me. My English senses came to me; we must read the signs! I looked up spiders & was relieved.

As of late, which I thought was very strange because I’m infatuated with this animal, I’ve been seeing many blackbirds. So much irony here. I love them, ravens the most, & crows are cool & interesting, but are there crows in the middle west? Sometimes I can’t tell the difference. I also love Edgar Allen Poe, & let’s not forget his infamous work, The Raven. Plus, I love “One Tree Hill” & ravens are always there. Aside from basketball & drama, ravens underscore the entire series. If it weren’t called “One Tree Hill,” it was going to be called “Ravens.” Anyhow, I’ve visited his grave, EAP’s, by the way & that was a whhhoollllle other ironic experience. What I thought was ironic [now] was those beautiful little blackbirds began to visit me, especially in the winter. Aren’t they supposed to fly South? Especially during them Midwestern winters? There were flocks of them. They were even tweeting, not Twitter/ social media status! & singing & fluttering merrily. It brought so much joy to me. It reminded me of my magical time in Portland where I crossed them, too. Strange. “We spend much of our lives seeing without observing.” –A.Warhol. I thought, again, life is talking to me. So, what did I do? I looked up blackbirds. They say, blackbirds represent knowledge & intelligence. I couldn’t believe it. Life was sending me signs of knowledge & intelligence. We can never have too much. With those comes confidence & with confidence you can do anything. You can also do anything with a lot of money, but I’m not there yet. In life, we have a purpose & I want to do as much as I possibly can. I know a lot, but I don’t know everything. I’m still learning & like a lot of things in life I’ve learned, I’ve learned the hard way. But all its done is make my character richer & grander. Sadly, I still make mistakes, not necessarily the same ones, thank God, but I’m only human… or am I?

Blackbirds also lead to represent transition & transformation. Very, very ironic!! I want to say I am exiting a major trial & tribulation stage of my life. I’m a different person now than what I was before. I like to believe a better one. Living in Chicago, I’m living a whole other life — in a great way, not a con-artist type of way. I feel that I’m maturing & growing & becoming more knowledgeable & I do strive to be a better person. Every day is a new day. Every day offers something new. I’m all about reinvention. Is it because I’m from Hollywood? No. Hollywood helped me embrace it. I’ve also learned to not let fame & success get to my head. It’s OK to be happy one day, sad the next, lazy after that, hyper & cracked out after that & then want to be alone. I won’t deem you as “bipolar.” I might ask if you wanna kick it! Most fear change, but don’t you find something wrong always answering when someone asks you, what’s going on? & you find yourself answering, same old’, same old’? How about same old’ lame old’! Every time someone asks me that, I try to give a new & different answer each & every time. But that’s just me. If you’re content on where you are, then so be it. How are you ever going to get anywhere if you don’t challenge yourself? From what I’ve learned in the past will guide me, hopefully. In life, we must be bold. It’s OK to be scared, but don’t express that emotion. People will use that against you. That I’ve learned. People, like Hollywood, love to pick you up & bring you down. Although, I’m happy with this stage of life, I’m also ready for my next transition & transformation. [See “Phoenix,” “Clouded Judgment.”] & it’s because knowledge & intelligence & transformation has got me here to understand there is more to life than what we have now.

People always say, ‘Once in a blue moon…’ Do people even know where that derived from? Do they even know what that means? Do they even know what a ‘blue moon’ is? I’m sure not. & I’m not referring to the beer either. Just people, like usual, talking about things they don’t know.

Every month gets 1 full moon. But when a month gets 2 full moons, the second one is known as the ‘blue moon.’ It doesn’t happen often, hence the phrase ‘once in a blue moon.’ What’s interesting about this blue moon is that it also serves as a ‘blood moon.’

So many interesting things going on here.

The first full moon of 2018 landed on the first day of the year. Very ironic. It was named the ‘wolf moon.’ The second full moon is exactly 30 days later. Someone, or something, is punctual. Again, this blue moon also serves as a blood moon. The cross between blue and red, what is it?! What’s also interesting is blood ties into vampires, which crosses with wolves. Let’s not forget the moon bookends the month. I’m seeing a pattern; counters to each other. What does this suggest about 2018? What are we instore for? I feel something great –& magical. Also, interesting. What has January, 2018 told us? Have we listened? Have we followed the signs? Would it be any different if the moons landed on the 2nd and 30th, or something of that nature? Ha! Nature! Am I just overthinking it, like I do everything else? Am I making this up to make sense? Is it my vivid imagination running wild? Whatever it is, it’s a curiosity I cannot kill. It’s all reeled me in. There seems to be more questions than answers. I’m obsessed with the moon, especially it’s dark side. As I rode the train this morning, all I did was stare at it, the moon that is. It just hung there, fully illuminated living up to its name and characteristics. I like and practice photography, but not even I can do it justice, with or without a professional camera. Only a real professional could capture it, & I’m not talking about help with their filter and editing friends either. Is the moon just waiting for the sun? Is it cooking up its mystical powers and then letting them simmer? Is it laughing at us because we have no idea what the future holds, and in a sense controls our behaviours and moods? The moon is powerful. It’s known to rift the tides. Let’s not forget ‘Lunartics.’ See ‘Strange Dreams & Other Things’ serial I. It had an obvious orange tint even the colorblind would be able to enjoy and see. According to the internet, and it’s more than likely true because everything on the internet is true, this moon also serves as a super moon, which means it’s even bigger and more visible and easier on the eyes. Even someone with negative vision would be able to see beauty. Whatever it is, it’s magical. & whether we’re listening or not, mother nature & outer space is treating us with a beautiful, fun filled gift; something we don’t get all the time. But what’s most important, to me at least, is that this is a reminder, a reminder in accordance with the full moon in general, because after the moon is full & has done its thing, after it is all said and done, it begins a new phase, a new stage, a new beginning, and that is, let go what no longer serves you; no matter how hard it is, move forward, move on, just move! Sometimes in life we take steps back to only to take greater steps forward.

So, light your candle, burn your sage, grab a Blue Moon and enjoy the blue moon. It’s OK to dwell on what was, but it’s important to ponder on what could be, and maybe, what is. As for you vampires out there, feed. I know this one must 😉

2018 has finally arrived. 2017 was crazy, & not in any negative way, shape, or form, but I am glad it is over. I’m ready for anew. I’m ready to let go what no longer serves me. What’s interesting about the start of this new year is that tonight, January 1, 2018, we have a full moon, a supermoon, the wolf moon. Light your candles, burn your sage, if needed, focus on what you want from life, focus on the greatness of the upcoming year, & more importantly, let go what no longer serves you. The wolf moon launches the year, right at the year! What a sign of cleansing, newness. For the Chinese it will be year of the dog. Lots of dogs going around. They are, after all, man’s best friend. Wolves are interesting characters, ,definitely misunderstood. What’s also interesting is the year begins on a Monday. What a kick-off!

One year ago I was in Minneapolis. I went to celebrate New Years. I walked into the hotel elevator, turned around, & saw this writing. I thought it was so iRONic. I felt like life was talking to me. In English, I was trained to follow the signs, more so than I already knew. Out of all hotels, out of all cities, out of all elevators, out of all sayings. What’s funny was I was originally going to go somewhere completely different & Minneapolis was where it was concluded to be. Suddenly my ears grew wide like a dog’s. I got excited. I smirked. I knew 2017 was going to be adventurous & I knew it was going to begin in the ‘mini apple.’ That was my green light. I knew the gods had my back. As I wrapped up this year, I couldn’t help but think of this picture, & obviously this time/ memory. I had a good NYE. I started the new year out with a bang, if you know what I mean 😉 & I think I’ve concluded it solid. I’ve always had a passion for Minnesota. Why? I have no idea. I find it interesting. Plus, ‘Brenda Walsh’ used to live there, so…

The picture says, “Tomorrow is the first blank page of 365 page book. Write a good one.” I feel like I wrote a good one; a dramatic, entertaining, scandalous, fresh, tumultuous, split second romantic one. 2017 was a lot. Definitely two-parts. I experienced a lot of things I hadn’t in the past. Lots of new story lines. It was also different approaches of things I had experienced. Who doesn’t love a reboot or a revamp. I have to admit, this picture didn’t just pop into my head recently, it’s popped in & out of my head throughout the year. It reminded me that I must make everything good & fun & exciting & worth my while because it is my life & things are only what you make of them. Don’t ever expect things to just fall into your lap. Maybe someone’s head, yeah, but your true aspirations & dreams & wants, you need to go & get them. & yes, maybe when you’re out going & getting them, then maybe they’ll fall into your lap, but until then, don’t be naive. Luck will visit, but never stick around and stay. Plus, we all need solid fans, so do something edgy on occasion. Believe me, this year I had the good & the bad. & because of that, I am a better, stronger, well-rounded –not a fat joke, but I’ll take it as one!–person. My character is more developed. This character can do nearly anything, this character is just about larger than life. Again, not another fat joke on myself. This character still has flaws. Am I still the anti-hero? Sure, maybe. Whatever! If it means better story lines then fuck it! Why be normal?!? I am definitely the lead! As for climaxes, I’m all for them. You’ll love & hate me the most as the finale. I don’t know who’s a better writer, me or God? Don’t get me wrong, God is good. I tried, & still try, to make every day great. We go through shit, yeah. I definitely have my highs 😉 but I definitely have my lows. It’s part of being an artist –& rock star, & I guess human. It’s also very good to take breaks, hiatus, do nothing on occasion, go off the grid. Have ‘you’ time, because those are some of the best adventures. Adventures lead to other adventures. It’s all good material. Everyone loves when the plot, amongst other things, thickens.

So, get your pens & paper, your tablets or laptops, because it’s now time to begin a new story & make it like nothing before. Make inside jokes with yourself. It’s time for 2018. I’m looking forward to 2018. I know how I want to play it. But first things first, it’s time to let go what no longer serves you.

They say people be more cray cray when the moon is full. I beg to differ. I believe it’s during the waxing crescent phase. The moon does magical things, yes. & Yes, when the moon is full people [probably] are at a height. & not just people, but vampires, werewolves, ghosts, & witches, but witches are people, too, so… I can’t help but notice people’s behaviors during the waxing crescent phase. It’s strange. When the moon is full it is fully illuminated. Craziness ignited, fully exposed. During the waxing crescent phase, it’s barely getting started… The magic of the moon begins to consume & that’s when its affects, & effects ;), go into play. One can argue the same for the waning crescent, but I’m on the northern hemisphere, so I can only speak from that, & my, point of view 😉 Plus, it seems like during the waning phase it’s flushing all the bad out. & waning sounds a little like whining & if we’re talking about the moon & it’s craziness & magic mystique, then it’s best to check your whining at the door –if you’re let past security. Regardless, I love the moon, especially its dark side. & if you ask if I’m rooting for the light or the dark, I’d say both.

2017 is almost coming to a close. This isn’t a recap episode, so don’t get all notalgic jet. lol. There’s still a whole other month of 2017 to live. A magical month. The month of December. On occasion I’ll think about the calendar, & whenever I wanna woo someone, lol, sometimes I do woo. lol. hahaha. But when I wanna share an “interesting fact,” & to test someone’s knowledge –we wanna know what type of intellect we’re gonna bang. Sadly, some people don’t have it all. You can be hot, but whack in bed. I tell them that the original calendar had only 10 months: October was the eighth, December was the tenth. But when Julius Caesar & Augustus became REALLY larger than life, & when times REALLY changed, pun intended, July & August came into play. & then we hit the sack. Or sac. lol. From experience, usually only happens during the waxing crescent for me 😉 Everyone else is all around. So there you go, dating advice #1.Make them like you because you’re hot & smart, not just hot. & then __ck them real good. lol. Who in the hell am I to give dating advice?!?! lol. I do give good advice, I just need to learn to take some of my own. OK, this is not a pity party, so check your pity at the door. But if you think about it, the calendar change extended our time. Our time to live longer, more. Experience more. learn more. I can’t help but think how different the seasons would be. It would go from June to October, which means that would be summer? Summer in October? We’re not in the hills anymore, honeychild. Time. We never have enough of it & as it is, with those extra two month, & daylight savings, it still seems to go fast & not enough. Is anything ever? I HATE wasting time. It’s such a waste of something you’ll never get back. It’s not like a tax refund if you’re poor. It’s funny how when we’re going through a rough phase time feels like it goes by slow, versus it can fly by when we’re having fun. Next subject! I took a glimpse at my last few posts. LthefuckOL. lol. WOW. I haven’t given up on writing, I’ve just taken it in a different direction as of late. I also do photography & I love television. I love TV production: pilots, ratings, the set-ups, the sweeps, upfronts, 5-year / 6-year –1-year contracts, casting, who passed up what role, who was considered, how many episodes, story arcs, etc. I picture ‘The Cubicle Diaries’ as a show. It’s episodic, dramatic, scandalous, entertaining, relating, fresh —OK! This is NOT a pitch… I’ve been writing privately. Not every singer releases every song they write &/or sing. The record company won’t let them.[sarcasm mark here]. LOL. Not my point! lol. I love writing & that is all that matters. You don’t need to KNOW everything, or do you? Speaking of television, I’ll share I’ve been watching ‘Younger,’ ‘Riverdale,’ ‘Dynasty,’ —lmfao. I like Josh Schwartz & Stephanie Savage! I’m probably one of the few that finds the true humour in ‘Fuller House.’ As always, ‘American Horror Story,’ I gotta stay true to Beverly Hills, so ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ & to my defense that is the ONLY 1! Beverly Hills & the Hamptons are my 2 favourite American cities. Anyhow, You gotta switch it up! I have been thinking more & more about volume III. Little by little I’m mentally preparing for it. It’s coming! I’ve had a few life-imitating-art, art-imitating-life moments as of late with nods to volume II. Strange. Maybe we CAN write our own destinies 😉

12.210.13.6.1309.411.309

My neighbor… My God! I don’t know what to do or how to control myself. I’m into him & I’m not into him. He’s interesting as fuck though. Who is he? Where is he from? I sound pathetic, yes, but is he from this planet?!? It’s like I see him & then I don’t see him. I call him “The Unicorn.” He makes me curious, I get excited when I see him, & I question if he’s real. He definitely has me thinking. It’s a different type of infatuation & curiosity. Different than the ones you get with your co-workers, like “Derek” from The Cubicle Diaries. This is my “Derek.” If I didn’t know any better I would say I live right next door to Otter fuckin’ Holmes if that’s the case! Listen to me, I sound CRAY CRAY! But my neighbor is definitely something else. & Otter Holmes is a genius, very creative. I don’t know if he pursues acting or what. He’s always laughing, crying, cackling & shouting. He watches “American Horror Story” & “The Hills” religiously. “Roseanne” & “Will & Grace” are regulars for him. I can tell he watches a lot of suspense & “Gossip Girl.” He loves playing movie soundtracks. I thought there were multiple people living there at first, but I’ve never seen anyone leave or come. Well, I mainly see people come. I hear them at random hours of the night. I think he’s schizo. A fuckin’ hot schizo. He’s either always working out or has good stamina. He loves the word “fuck” & shouting “damn bastard child.” He’s always having parties. He’s always popping champagne. He definitely goes green. Who is this rockstar?!? I can’t complain about him because he’s chummy with the crazy hot headed property manager. I even hear the property manager in there, too! Who is this, Gatsby? I don’t know what to do. I know his apartment is well decorated because he’s always hammering something into the walls. I can tell he hasn’t cooked much lately. I wonder if he’s a narrator of some show or something because he’s always saying, “Previously on…” He knows like 5 languages. He’s an early bird & a night owl. He’s so random & interesting! His style is ahead of our lifetime. We’ve crossed paths in the hall & lobby only a few times. Whenever we do I just want to converse with him. I swore I thought he was from Australia for the longest. He never takes the elevator. I know he travels frequently. Who is he & where does he go? My neighbor…

Flawed

I’m broken

I’m damaged

I’m messed up.

My dignity has turned into shame

Tortured on the inside

Scared on the outside.

Corrupted

I don’t know what’s right or wrong

When I look at me, I don’t even notice me

I’m a foreigner to myself, a stranger in my own life.

Lost in translation.

I don’t even know what language to speak

I don’t know myself

But

Did I ever?

Sin is my virtue

I thrive off of bad

Emptiness fills me

I lack the insight of beauty

I lack a moral compass

I lack judgement.

Even if I had a compass, there is no needle.

Weird is my normal

I can’t see straight

I feel blind.

Oblivion is the only clear thing available to me.

I hate myself

I’m not confident

I can’t find one quality in me

They say we are our own enemy

I can’t find a better villain.

No one wants me

Sometimes I feel worthless

Nothing seems right

I’m more than irregular

I’m flawed.

Outside In

[I have this reoccurring fantasy…]

Let’s get to the point.

There is no sense of direction.

Go with nature.

I’m ready for this fantasy to become reality.

We’ve waited too long. No more stalling.

No more beating around the bush, just beat around the bush.

Buying myself time, I’m nearly broke.

Let’s turn down the lights to make it look like no one’s home.

But in reality we’re having a party.

& the guest list, the guest list is just you & I.

So loud everyone will think, where is that noise coming from?

Still, nowhere near done.

I want every piece of you to myself.

Put whatever is outside in

& let whatever is inside out.

Pleasure for pleasure,

Measure for measure.

I’ll do anything you want.

No holds barred.

Yes, I just played that card.

I’m the prey,

Come & hunt

Don’t be a scared little cunt.

I’m at your mercy, I’m the runt.

End of the Line

Time to refill my gas can & buy more matches.

Maybe this time I’ll be more successful.

Stupidity has cost me so much money.

Its cost me nearly everything.

There’s no hope.

I’m at the end of the line.

One spark could save everything.

One spark could ruin everything.

That spark in the dark

Is nothing but a lark.

In search of its next tune.

In search of light.

In search of something!

I have nothing left

It’s all gone.

Optimism?

This glass is not only half empty, it’s broken.

I’m like a dog chasing its own tail.

Make this merry-go-round stop.

Go Bye-Bye

You wonder why no one likes you. I know you’re aware most don’t, but do YOU ever really stop & think about it? Get deep into your own dark, sad psyche. Apparently you haven’t, or don’t, because you still are the way you are. Literally. You’re a theatrical performance no one wants to pay for. Being around you has cost me a lot. Not even you like you. Everything that comes out of your mouth is a complaint. You hate the world. Cynical: yes. Full of hate: yes. Shameless: yes. Ungrateful: yes. Entitled: yes. I knew the moment I met you there was something wrong with you. I couldn’t put my finger on it. & now, my hands are full. Like a fly to the light you keep coming back. Pity. I’m over you & the drama you bring. Go Bye-bye. Better yet, “go die.” Next time I’m going to reach for my fly swatter & give you what you deserve. My judgment for you is no longer clouded.

Conglomerate_

What was hours was weeks

It could’ve been ages

When I was with you time was frozen

Now

My soul is frozen

I’m coming down

It was fun while it lasted

I say fun

But I mean VERY FUN

It was everything I ever wanted

A conglomerate

They say it’s better to love & lost than not love @ all

I’m sprung

Not in love

It’s pure infatuation

I believe in one night stands

One night to remember.

More love poison?

Make it a double? A triple?

Let’s go for sex

I mean six

I may never have children given the amount of life you sucked out of me

Like sucking blood out of a rock

I hit the jackpot with you

Clouded Judgment

They say we should make the best decisions for our well-being. I haven’t always made the right decisions, but that’s life! Clouded judgment; or, Clouded judgement. Is there a difference? There’s always a difference. Nothing is for always, nothing is forever, nothing is ever the same. It happens. It comes, it goes. It? Everything! They always do. The clouds always do. It does more than affect my decision making. My decision making for you, for him, for her, for them, for they, for myself. Choices, clouded judgment or not, on the other hand, because the grass is always greener on the other side, have created character. Blinded by the light, judgment clouded. We are who we are; I am who I am. All I’m doing is having fun. Dionysus did the stenciling; I’m just filling in the blanks & coloring a little outside of the lines. & when I say a little, I mean a lot. How do I know what’s wrong and what’s right? I try to be better, what I believe is better. I look fearless, & hot, but I’m filled with nervousness & anxiety. Only one armpit sweats. I want it all. I want to indulge. Energy channeling into any little thing possible. I’m creating the energy. I am the energy. I’m figuring it all out along the way. & somehow it’s all in my favor. Life is one big journey. I have a compass, but I don’t know how to read it. Torn between good guy/ bad guy, can’t I have the best of both worlds? The gods tell me, It don’t work like that, honey. You need to go out and get that money. Legit, or not, you better get that shit. Check your conscience at the door! Don’t be a bore, be a whore. I snapped back into what I believe is reality. A compass, just not a moral compass. I’ve been told that. I’ve also been called a “non-conformist,” if that matters. But what does matter? Especially if my judgment is clouded? I see my clouded judgment as a good thing & a bad thing, a blessing & a curse, a pro & a con; a compass alright, even if it is into the wrong direction. After all, we all are humans, I think, —&cons. Pulling off anything: a fake smile, a happy life, people you like, an orgasm. How clouded is your judgment? Are you the same person you were 5, 8, 12 14, 17 years ago? For some of you, last week, yesterday, this morning? I’m winging life by the wings & all I am doing is soaring. They say, we only live once —even if our judgment is a little clouded. Substances also tend to have the best & worst of everyone, legal or not. They cloud my judgement, but I love when my head is in the clouds.

G.Wood

One minute you’re hot, the next you’re not. Fifteen minutes is a lot. Be lucky you catch someone’s eye for fifteen seconds. All for pretend, all good fun, all for show. ‘I’m over you, on with the next’ is the mentality. Disposable encounterments. Everything is fluid. Here today, gone tomorrow. Be lucky if you stay the night. There will always be someone new, someone hotter, someone more appealing, someone younger. Don’t get it twisted. Just get yours while I get mine. Waiting for that callback, waiting for that reply. Overnight celebrity? You’re already a hasbeen. You’re already forgotten, like you’ve never existed. No time for Tindr, because always on Grindr. Not to worry, there’s plenty of fish; there’s always a match. When we cross paths in the same inner circle we all frequent, because after all it is a small community, it’s like we never met. I’ll call you if I have time, but I’m always busy so don’t hold your breath. Sought after is an understatement. You know the biz. All for show, materials are all that matters for all that sparkles. Leave while you’re ahead. Indulge in the moment, because there’s no guarantee of anything in life, especially another chance; death & taxes are an exception. Even the cream of the crop only lasts for so long. Everything expires, nothing is forever or always. No promises, no strings attached. Netflix is a continuous streaming service, so it’s continuous, but movies only last for a few hours. The experience & opportunity was a fantasy, a dream come true. Now it’s more like a nightmare. Sorry, sweetie, there won’t be a sequel, a remake, a spinoff. Who’s doing who the favor? Always wanting what only you want & I’m the diva? Oh, & I changed my mind, all you’re getting is an uncredited cameo. Your performance was so poor it won’t get recognition. Sleeping to the top? But I’m on top. Get over yourself, you’re not attractive, you’re not hot. Maybe next lifetime! I know, it’s hard playing a game where there are no rules. The people who run the show are heartless & cruel. We all want that one thing. Check your conscience & morals at the door. Wanna be a rough rider? You better hold on tight, because shit gets bumpy & intense & at the end of the day it’s all about you & your needs & wants & who you know. Thicken your skin. Grow some balls & figure out if this is really good you.

Phoenix

Somehow I have managed to scare people off.

Somehow I have managed to burn yet another bridge!

Somehow I have managed to isolate myself.

Somehow this time around this low is lower than before.

Somehow I need the bottle more now than when I was an infant.

Somehow I’m back @ square one.

But somehow,

When I finally picked myself up,

My fatass up,

Because I felt so heavy & low;

I was a tipped over refridgerator.

I realized I am stronger than I was when I fell flat on my face.

I’m reinforced,

I’m reborn,

Like the phoenix,

Risen.

I am ready to meet the new version of the old me.

Makes me think,

I was surrounded by nothing but dirty pigeons,

Replaceable by the flock.

Maybe it was them

Not me.

Hottt_Mess

I’m easy, not dumb

I’m nice, not a pushover

I’m gangsta, not a gangster

I’m thirsty, not dehydrated

I’m needy, not desperate

I’m materialistic, not fake

I’m sleepy, not tired

I’m evil, not mean

I’m lazy, not sloppy

I’m silly, not stupid

I’m relevant, not a hasbeen

I’m pondering, not dwelling

I’m fantasizing, not dreaming

I’m inquisitive, not nosy

I smoke weed, not a drug attic

I’m drunk often, not an alcoholic

I’m a little bit of everything, not YOUR average Joe

I’m alone, not lonely

I’m rich in character, not rich –yet

I’m crazy, not insane

I’m sorry, not sorry

I’m forgiving, not apologetic

I’m attractive, not fine

I’m hot, not sexy

I’m blond, not dumb

I’m fly, not lame

I’m voluptuous, not fat

I’m firm, not aggressive

I’m funny, not a comedian –& not funny looking

I’m flashy, not trashy although a little trashy don’t hurt nobody

I’m pissed, not angry

I’m full of life, not full of shit

I’m smart, but make dumb choices –on occasion

I’m a hot mess, not a mess; there’s nothing wrong with being a mess as long as you’re a hot one.

I’m me, not you –& thank God for that!

Pace

I was at a slumber party with my thoughts.

My daydreams have got me in trouble.

My fantasies have caused me problems.

I’m not thinking,

My mind is on auto-everything.

Curiosity killed the cat.

I’m on my 8^th life.

I’m pushing it,

Skating on thin ice.

Ice,

However,

Melts.

I need to pace myself.

I need to wake the fuck up.

Stop and smell the coffee.

I still believe

There’s Something in the Coffee.

Thank God for The Week!

It’s like a re-run,

Every time.

A re-run of my favourite show.

Lots of room for syndication.

These plotlines aren’t yet played out.

I can still manage.

They say time flies when you’re having fun.

It’s like the weekend never occurred; everything is one big blur.

I do good all week, then bad all weekend.

Work hard, play harder.

Go big or go home?

I never go home.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

Sometimes I feel like my keycard to the gates has been deactivated.

Someone cancel my credit card!

Recuperation. Remorse. Recovery. Repeat.

All only to start back at square one.

During the week my mind is clear,

But during the weekend,

My judgment is altered,

Clouded.

When it’s a long weekend I’m screwed.

& that’s when I say,

Thank God for the week.

Death&Taxes

Death & Taxes are the only things we’re assured in life. That & heartache. Expect nothing, assume nothing. I’m not even rich & I have to pay taxes. & I mean actually pay taxes, not when I buy something –legal. When most file their income taxes for a refund, I’m now filing income taxes to give the government a refund. You’re the best, Uncle Sam! 😀 But that’s one of life’s true promises. There’s only two, by the way. Life can let you down, yes, but don’t say it never kept its promises. Does that mean I’m closer to getting the other one? Is it a step in the right direction? Does it mean I’m “successful” or “making it” because I am now paying taxes? What about when I make MORE money? But why am I so broke? I’m not. I’m just cheap. At least I don’t think I’m broke? But if I’m broke, then why am I paying taxes? If I’m broke & having to pay taxes the government is fooling me. I highly doubt that was the first time I was fooled by the government. Could it be my clouded judgment? I will not bust a Wesley Snipes though. I am too much of a chicken. Does it mean I need to have a bastard child, or buy property so I have something to write-off? & not write-off like the way I write-off little bitches. That’s more like right-off without them! But with buying property comes paying property tax. & the great state of Illinois is NOTORIOUS for their hiked property taxeses. It’s funny because they make it look so easy buying property here. Hmmmmmm…….. I’m seeing a pattern. Judgment not so clouded. Nothing is ever enough. Is that me, or is it just my ambition? My ambition to want to discover, know, & have everything else life can’t promise? To want to know, experience, & exercise my free will. They’ve asked me, “Where do you get your drive from?” They’ve also asked me a lot of other questions —like, “Why am I so real?” [–Bobby Brown] [LOL]. Could be Britney also. But let’s just stick with Bobby. Is it that luck is on my side? Is the universe in my favour? I love when they ask if they can pick at my brain. & I’m like, you want my brain? There seems to be more questions than answers. Life & its curiosities, especially the creatures we meet. Someone once told me, “You must respect yourself.” Someone also told me to not talk to strangers, but some of the best people I’ve met were strangers. & sadly for some, they are more of a stranger now than when I met them, even more so when I thought I knew them. All I can do is have fun along the way & take care of business. That business that makes me earn that money. That money to pay taxes on. Am I setting myself up for failure? They say, it’s a vicious cycle. All I know is I’m alive, awake, & dreaming, yet death is on my tail. But I won’t let it get me. Catch me if you can, mofo! Life is one big learning experience, life is one big game; life is a rat race & I don’t know if I’m a mouse or a possum. There’s no winning, or is there?

Solidarity

I like being alone. I feel like the only time I can get shit done is when I’m in solidarity. Am I only productive because I have no speed bumps on my route? Is it because my battery is fully charged, a fresh oil change? I do travel further & see a whole other side of things, life. That thing called ‘life.’ Solitude fits me like a glove, a love glove. Like something sent from above. I get off, but no one gets me off like I get me off. Am I throwing you off? I’m not about to go soft. I was born alone, I’m going to die alone. Like Shakespeare, I wanna die on my birthday. Lots of fun adventures along the way. I always have fun. I’ve had some great passengers. But the highest & best notes while singing in the car have been when I’ve been alone. Solidarity. I love me. I have me, me is all I need. All the people in my head give me the best & only company I need, but I’m not a looney. I like people –when they’re not around me. I hate social media. I disconnected my mobile & went back to a landline. I’m OLD-school like that. If you wanna find me, you know how to find me. But I’m not an agoraphobic nor do I hate people. I just really love me & the singularity life has to offer. If I was not me, I would date me. Having people in my life is a distraction. Please, do not disturb.

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Recycled paper is where some of the most important writings come from. Recycled paper truly is the gift that keeps on giving. “Stop wasting paper!” They say. I think, you’re not wasting paper, you’re creating new life. I invest in paper. I’m for the paper. It’s all about the paper! Better get that paper.

A tree represents life. When a tree is chopped down & magically turned into paper, that paper isn’t only a piece, literally, it is a piece of something new, new life. It can turn into nearly anything. Bad idea, good idea: is there such a thing? After all, the “wasted” paper is then recycled.

Thoughts jotted down. Those thoughts attended to & then edited, for perfectional purposes. Then the writer does something about that piece of work he created. A book –of recycled paper– gets published. The book gets adapted for television, a movie spins off, & those, too, will have scripts printed on recycled paper. Imagine all the people who’ve relied off of that piece of recycled paper that was going to be thrown away & recycled with lost thoughts? But the writer had the idea to save it & jot something even more down; an idea that created a masterpiece.

That tangible feeling. The pen to the paper is like a heroin-filled syringe to a fiend’s vein. Words misspelled, writing so fast so your thoughts won’t slip your mind, everything out of order –who cares! That’s what editing is for. Just get your thoughts down. Penny for your thoughts? Mine are priceless. It’s all circular. Some say a vicious cycle. I say, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.”

Fire&Ice

Sugar & Spice

Everything nice

Stay on my good side

“You’ll be OK” should suffice.

Fire & Ice

Break me off with a piece of that,

Cut me a slice.

You’re so sly.

We’ll see how long you stay fly.

There’s only one person who laughs last

& that is I.

They say, “opposites attract.”

I was never intact.

So go,

Make your way.

Mourn because I’m no longer in your life.

& while you’re at it

Stock up on the tissue

Because it won’t be I

Who cries

We’re incompatible.

You’re virtue,

I’m vice.

Oh isn’t that nice.

What a delight.

Sugar & spice.

Leave the Left Behind

I left to change. Leave the left behind. They say, old habits die hard. & speaking from experience, they do. But as of late I had another, another awakening. The gods are talking to me. It’s best I turn the volume down & take out my iPod earplugs. Follow the signs. Hunter as a Horse can wait. Back to this awakening. I have to say, it was a little rude one. A little rudeness don’t hurt. Me at least. All it does is wake you up. Leave the left behind. Take a cold shower when you get home. It was beneficial. As everything is. The shower & the awakening. They say, it all works out in the end. & I believe it does. Even if the end feels invincible. Even if the end is all we have. There’s something there. Misery loves company & death is always there, but life has so much to tell. Listen. Do yourself a favor, leave the left behind. You have to take the good with the bad. You have to work for what you want. Those days of expecting everything to fall into your lap are long gone. Stop being so naïve, leave the left behind. I realized that I was repeating certain patterns of a lifestyle I chose to leave behind. I realized I left to change, & the only thing that changed was my zip code & wardrobe. Exercising is a work in progress & let’s just say, I’m under construction. Leave the left behind. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I would know I’ve been there. Aside from being mildly rude, this awakening was bittersweet. I want to say a shitty feeling & then I snapped out of it. Cold shower round 2? Bounced back into shape like a rubber band; like a teenage girl who just gave birth & is back to her normal size before she got knocked up. Leave the left behind. Could it be that I am actually growing up? I’m not afraid of it, I opt for it. I want to grow into this magical being, more magical than I already am. We all have our talents & flaws. Death can go chase its own tail. Time to put my best foot forward & officially move on from what is the past. No more looking back, no more wanting to tie up loose ends. They’re loose for a reason & now they’ll be lost. Let your intuition be your compass. We don’t get anywhere going backwards. All it is is something to do. Look at all the reboots & remakes. Memories fade. Let it flow, let go what no longer serves you, leave the left behind.

Pebbles & Diamonds

Once upon a time I had nothing, nothing. I wanted so much more, anything. I had all sorts of pebbles I called diamonds. Fantasies were my reality, then my reality became a nightmare. Yearning for celebrity & fame. I hated everything. I had nothing. Once you cross that line nothing will be the same. I wanna live forever. Diamonds are forever, after all. We all wanna be seen. We all wanna be known. We all wanna shine, live glamourous. Have all sorts of champagne & wine. Worried about the outside & never about the in. Fuck doing good. I’m gonna live in luxury & sin! Pebbles & diamonds: Is there a difference? Earth’s creation, that’s all that matters, right? Wait, I can’t be too naïve & unrealistic. Or can I? Then I got everything I wanted & more. Only the strong survive. That is the difference. Right? Pebbles get brushed away & diamonds just get brushed & pampered; treated like royalty. Beautiful in their own way. Isn’t everything though? Not everything. Then I lost everything. Didn’t even get a goodbye call. Not even a warning. Gone faster than everything came. I’m OK with the change. Do I have a choice? I want pebbles now. No diamonds. Back to basics. Diamonds clouded my judgment too much. Pebbles keep me real. I tell them to go kick rocks, & the first steps are always the most difficult.

Assurance Repetition

I lost myself when I was around you.

I didn’t like who or what I was becoming.

I miss the old me, I belong to me.

The aftermath of this repetitious pattern assures me I don’t like living like this.

I’m upset with myself.

I definitely wasn’t myself.

And when I say I don’t like living like this,

That means I don’t like living with you in my life,

In case it doesn’t register so quickly.

I would say,

It’s not you, it’s me,

But in all actuality,

I think it is you & not me.

Fun along the Way

Final destination approached.

It has been quite the journey.

I’m letting everything go.

Returned my keys.

I had lots of highs,

Lots of lows,

Lots of friends.

Many foes.

It finally ends.

Oh!

& let’s not forget the hoes.

I’m gonna miss my clothes.

But now it’s time,

I must go.

Fun along the way.

‘Me’ Party

Self I say, you have other plans tonight?

Fuck the rest!

I’m the best.

The after-party is in my nest.

A few bottles of champagne

Make an open bar.

No need to leave

Or drive far.

Dress to impress.

I have a feeling

I’m going to make a mess.

No haters,

No drama.

You can’t come,

But maybe that daddy

& sugar mama.

I am the audience,

I am the performer.

 Never a dull moment.

Twists & turns everywhere.

Entertainment galore.

 No one makes me bust the way I make me bust.

Any other shindig

Is left in the dust.

I’m high,

I’m happy,

Sorry for leaving you hanging,

Sorry your presence is crappy.

I’m the guest list, I’m the VIP, I’m the security.

After tonight,

I’m going to pray for purity.

After a while

I’ll have to say,

Someone please

Call the police!

I should’ve did something less chaotic,

Now my landlord is going to want to cancel my lease!

My neighbors think I’m at capacity.

Raise the roof,

It’s on fire.

Pass the dutch.

Let’s get higher & higher.

Time of my life,

I’m the best company.

I got me, myself, & I.

I’m about to hit a blackout,

I hope I don’t die.

Sorry Not Sorry

I’ll apologize,

If I have to.

But I’m not gonna be sorry for me.

I don’t regret me, I’m only human.

Or am I?

For you,

On the other hand,

It’s too late to apologize.

Sorry Not Sorry.

Accountability

I blame myself for everything

I blame myself for making the choices I’ve made

I blame myself for the pain I’ve caused, mainly to myself

I blame myself for agreeing to go out

I blame myself for spending all my money

I blame myself for falling for you even though I knew we were nothing

I blame myself for feeling this shitty way

I blame myself for losing everything

I blame myself for losing you

I blame myself for my unhappiness

I simply blame myself

Sad You

Always giving me shit because

I didn’t want to hang

There came a point where I wasn’t part of the gang.

To school for cool

If only you knew

What exactly do you have going

For yourself?

What exactly do you want

From life?

You’re so sad, you, & dull,

Here’s another knife.

My food wrappers from the neighborhood joint have more personality than you.

Now all this time has passed

& you still have nothing to show for.

Get the steppin’

There’s the door.

Who’s laughing now?

Ha ha.

You’re so

Blah blah!

Why don’t you go

Wah wah!

Fuckin’ baby!

Maybe

I should’ve cut off you long before I actually did.

When did I get all these

Accomplishments done?

You ask how.

While you were crying,

& moping,

& having fun at your

Lame places drinking sugar water,

My thirst & passion for success grew hotter & hotter

And you’re still notter & notter.

Unlike you I actually did something about it:

Life.

You’re so sad,

Get outta my sight.

You have nothing,

Shit.

Go get a yourself a first-aid kit.

Blackout

When I fantasize about you, I’m on a blackout.

When I’m with you, I’m on a blackout.

When we begin to kiss, I’m on a blackout.

When we’re making love, I’m on a blackout.

When we’re fucking, I’m on a blackout.

When we’re beefing it, I’m on a blackout.

When we love, I’m on a blackout.

When we hate, I’m on a blackout.

When we argue, I’m on a blackout.

When we’re on top of the world, I’m on a blackout.

When I’m feeling low, I’m on a blackout.

When I’m high, I’m on a blackout.

The repercussions of a fight with you leads me to a blackout.

Screw everything around me,

I’m on a blackout.

SOP for the SOB

Act I: Paths Crossed

Act II: The Hang Out

Act III: Out Come the Freaks (Not only at Night)

Act IV: The Morning After: Marathon of Shame

Act V: Disappearing Act (Apparition Status)

Chi_Guy

Welcome to your new home,

Welcome to your new landing.

Let the games begin.

You’re not in La La Land anymore,

Yet

Anything can happen here.

New territory,

New stomping ground.

You’re bound

To find a fox

You little hound.

Lots of new,

Lots of hotness,

Be careful though,

You’re not immortal.

The Chi-guy who isn’t so shy.

Time for a fresh start,

No more hot mess.

But then again they say, old habits die hard.

Fuck all you’ve left behind,

You can’t even see scars.

No one knows you here.

Take a chance,

That’s all you’ve ever done.

All four seasons,

The sky is always moving

Get your best attire.

Always on the grind,

No time to be tired.

Finding comfort,

Living in happiness.

Secrets of a Con

I steal. I lie. I cheat. I’m as real as the mannequins in the store windows. I purposely don’t even have my own birth certificate anymore. I burned it, for security reasons. I steal from the company I work for. I steal school supplies. I steal toiletries. I steal riders’ transit receipts to get reimbursed for utilizing public transportation. I eat my coworkers’ lunch straight out of their containers, in front of them at times. I steal condiments from every restaurant I go to. Even some restaurants I don’t even dine at! I steal utensils & kitchen supplies. I hate places that use Styrofoam. Fuckin’ cheapasses! I’ve opened so many bank accounts to get the sign-on bonus they give new customers. I’ll work at random part-time jobs until my direct deposit goes through & then disappear, even more so before they find out my identity is not what I said it was. I collect every piece of currency I find, except for Monopoly money. Pick pocketing was my baby steps to the all-star I am today. I have the skeleton key to every residence I have ever resided at. I even made copies of the keys that say, ‘Do Not Copy.’ I’ve never lived in the same city twice. I’m a pirate. I’ve never paid for a CD or movie, but I sure have slanged them. I’m a con-artist, I get what I want. The moon guides me. I have Low-Jack on every car I’ve “owned,” so when I need to bust a mission I have a getaway car. & if the new owner lives out of state even better! More points for me because this is all a game. I’m not stealing the car, I’m borrowing it. I do, after all, have the original key. Whenever I pass through a toll I make sure black trash bags are over the license plates, except for when I’m in a previously owned car, then I’m in a purple or pink wig with John Lennon glasses on. Speaking of hair… I’ve had nearly every hair color you can think of. There were times I had no hair at all. I never ever look into a surveillance camera. You’ll always see me in designer sunglasses, even at night. You can’t con a con-artist, I’m two steps ahead of you –n the shoes I stole from you, or charged on your card. Department store cards: I’ve had them all. Not on my credit though. My lies are the truth. My fakeness is the real thang. I haven’t paid rent in years. I’ve couch surfed & get bills mailed to fake addresses. “Return to sender.” HA! Who needs money to be rich? Technically all my bills are paid. My fake IDs look REALLY fake, but they still let me slide. What’s the highest ‘gamy’ you can have? Because I’ve been married so many times. None of my significant others know the real me. I even went gay a few times. When they want a pre-nup, that’s when I know they ain’t legit. One might say I’m just a cheapass, but no, I’m an artist, a con-artist. Don’t get it twisted. I already have you in my pocket. This is my job, my career. I know someone sees me as a role model. I inspired Joanne the Scammer. Lots of training has been invested. I have an image to maintain. I only roll with role models & the elite; those whose paper, amongst other things, are really long. They’re about as real as me. & by other things I mean carpets that are red, of course. This is a profession. One of the oldest. Right next to being a whore. & well, I’ve got some of my best cons under my belt having to multitask. I’m known as so many people at Starbucks & CBTL. I’ve won so much on the radio. I should be a personality. I know them, but they don’t know me. I have chipped cable, a chipped phone, a chipped EBT card. About this lifestyle? It’s all so hard. To cover my tracks, I even stole my own identity. I did me the worst & the best. Lock me up & throw away the key. If & only if you can catch me.

An excerpt of ‘Sex with Strangers’

I was on the train. I woke from a blackout with a random person waving a little clear baggy with white powder in my face. How does he know I like coke? I thought immediately. What did I say to get me here?! I realized where I was & immediately got off & waited for the train going the opposite direction. He followed me. After a few seconds I turned around to see where he was. I grew surprised when I noticed he began up the escalator. He was going his own way. Probably somewhere to bone or do all that coke. Many emotions filled my body: nervousness, drunkenness, tiredness, edginess, a craving for coke, but most of all: horniness. I called him back. He came running down the escalator that was going the opposite direction. We both wanted something. I looked around & then pulled him to the side. Once the coast was clear, I rubbed his erected penis to make sure he was up. & then I pulled up my dress, grabbed his penis & stuck it in me. I was wet instantly. Warmness filled both of our bodies. We were in sync. I picked up my leg up for easier access & a deeper feeling. We began to fuck right there, at the train station.

My eyes rolled back. It was good. I wrapped myself around him. As he fucked me, without a condom, I reached into his pocket where the coke was & stole the baggy of white magic. He didn’t even notice, or did he? I looked down the tunnel & saw the train’s headlights grow brighter.

“You have seconds,” I told him. He pumped harder & moaned louder. Now I know someone heard that one! It echoed. Thrill was at a height, but I was already getting over it. I saw the headlights grow brighter. I pulled him out of me. His throbbing dick swung in the air. It glistened from my wetness. It was shiny! He was pretty well endowed. I saw formed headlights. I faced the train. His back was toward it; our backs toward each other. He put one hand on the wall & began to finish himself. The conductor more into view. He became clearer & clearer as he grew nearer & nearer.

The stranger let out one last moan & came. Finally! Doesn’t he know that when you fuck at a random public place you need to bust with the quickness?!? Someone does NOT understand the meaning of a ‘quickie!’ He came on the wall. His semen splattered against the tile. It ran down. I was already fixed up. The train arrived. No goodbyes were exchanged. I walked around the pillar to a car on the side. I walked in the train like nothing & went straight to the joining corridor where no one was. I got a whiff of piss. I looked around again non-chalantly & then did a key bump of my newly scored coked. I was finally headed in the right direction, to home sweet home.

[‘Secrets of a Con’ & ‘G.Wood’ photo courtesy of 21C Museum, Louisville, KY. / ‘Go Bye-Bye,’ ‘Fun along the Way,’ ‘Accountability,’ ‘’Me’ Party,’ ‘Clouded Judgment,’ ‘Thank God for The Week!’ & ‘Hottt Mess’ photo courtesy of Art Institvte of Chicago, Chicago, IL. / ‘12.210.13.6.1309.411.309’ photo courtesy of Parthenon Museum, Nashville, TN. / ‘Outside In,’ ‘An excerpt of ‘Sex with Strangers’,’ ‘Flawed,’ ‘Blackout,’ ‘Assurance Repetition,’ ‘Sad You,’ ‘SOP for the SOB’ photo courtesy of The Broad Art Museum, Los Angeles, CA. / all photos taken & edited by Otter Holmes]