They say time flies when you’re having fun. I can’t help but find myself saying, a lot lately, that time is going by wayyyyy to fast! And I can’t help but think, am I truly having fun? Of course! I always have fun! Time is seriously going by fast. The only time I hope that goes fast is the work days and hours. Work,,, Ha! Don’t get me started on that, because let’s just say that my current place of employment has taught me a few things, things I already knew but needed a refresher on, and it has nothing to do with what the company I work for has to offer to its consumers. But seriously, time is going by fast. I mean, it’s August, 2016 —2016! And yes, August! And yes, I cannot help but think, am I on track? Am I doing what I am supposed to? Matt Belamy said, or sang rather, time is running out, and every time I feel like I’m doing nothing with myself, which is hardly ever because I’m always so f’n busy!, that fuckin’ song pops into my head, but I will admit, it is for the better. I hate wasting time. Everyone always says, Oh, don’t worry, you have nothing but time, you’re young. Um, excuse me, but yes, I am young, 30 years, BTW, and I’ll be damned if I end up like you with all that belly fat under my belt instead of accolades. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m so hard on myself, because I can get shit done. The benefit of being so hard on yourself is seeing actual results, worthy results for yourself. We are who we are! 2016. Life has been such a whirlwind. I’m in Chicago. I moved into my new apartment, which I LOVE!!! At least I accomplished what I came back for, TCD Volume II, and now it’s time for the next stage, because after all, the world’s a stage and all the men and women are merely actors. Some people are really good actors without evening noticing, and then there are those desperate wannabes who will do anything for attention and anything to become a reality star [in their soulless eyes]. And then let’s not forget about “Strange Dreams & Other Things.” Speaking of ‘Muse.’ Lol. That piece,,, lol. I’ve been in Chicago longer than I was in China. I love China. Chicago,,, oh Chicago! What a place. City Life. It’s funny because Chicago is a big city, kind of, lol, –I’m from LA where it’s the TMZ, Thirty Mile Zone for those of you don’t follow, but at the same time I’m just like, is it a big enough city? I do like it big. Go big, or bold, or go home! Me, I have no home. I’m a gypsy, and when I’m not that I’m a vagabond; I am the 8^th vagabond. Can the Second City, the White city, the Windy City contain the Otter? I’m still trying to figure it all out.

As of late, I can’t help but think about the singularity of others. A lot are always saying, yeah! Single life! Fuck yeah! But then there are some who dread being single and are lonely and borderline desperate for someone. Two things: hot people never stay single, mainly because they’re weak and empty, and some single people REALLY hate being single, but they’re hopeless. Kind of like Americans and their future. Well, maybe not just Americans,,, Despair is an understatement, and sadly, of the norm. They hate it, the singles, and the Americans. But from my observations, it’s hard finding that one. It’s KIND OF like finding a REALLY good job you like – and that is stable. It’s like you’re searching and searching and when you land it you’re like is this real and is this for keeps and is it staying, but then you realize, nothing lasts forever. People are people, and I have said this before and I’ll say it over and over, people are fucking weird! And when people aren’t being weird, people are so God damn narcissistic! I swear, I blame the internet for everything. Because of the internet, most are walking fucking zombies. Everywhere you turn everyone is on their God damn mobiles checking texts messages that aren’t new, or pretending to do something to avoid human contact! —Get a life. And I bet more have their earphones plugged in and aren’t even listening to music but they pretend like they are so they don’t have to interact with anyone because they’re tooooo good for the next person.

They say time tells everything, and it has definitely told me a lot, even if the speech is at a rapid pace that few can interpret. It’s told me lately that I need to move on from some and let them go. It’s hard, but things change, styles change, and people always leave –‘OTH.’ It’s time to find new characters in my story. But the way I feel, I feel like some aren’t worthy of being series regulars. Is it me? Probably. I’m as weird and foreign as the next alien out there, but more so, is it them, they? YES! It is my story afterall; you are on my blog, BTW. For all I know I’m just a jester or omen passing through their stage—its called over the top for a reason! We’ll have to see come the second act.

Time may be going by fast, but I am keeping up with the Joneses. I did move ‘east’ after all. Lol. We shall have to see what Fate has in store, because after all, what Fate wants, Fate gets. We cannot control the wind, we can only control the sails, so stay beach ready, because one make look good with [designer] clothes on, but we all know it’s what is underneath what counts.

It’s been one year since I left Los Angeles.

The singularity of others.

Time going by so damn fast.

The narcissism of others.

Volume III even though I just published volume II.

I love writing, but I need to get back into photography and Otter Potter.

My new apartment! I LOVE it! I loved my apt in China, too. I don’t miss LA, but I miss my last apt.

Life and am I living it.

New book offers scandalous slice of corporate American life

Otter Holmes releases ‘The Cubicle Diaries: Volume II’

CHICAGO – In “The Cubicle Diaries: Friends Close, Coworkers Closer – Volume II” (published by Xlibris), Otter Holmes takes readers on another riveting ride into the ruthless and rollicking world of corporate America. His new novel continues the adventures and misadventures of people navigating their way through the fine line between business and pleasure.

“The Cubicle Diaries” follows the lives of officemates who experience the perils and pleasures of mixing their personal and professional lives. As the follow-up to Holmes’ first book, “The Cubicle Diaries: There’s Something in the Coffee,” this satirical drama describes and mocks what most people are willing to go through just to get what they want. It is a searing and hilarious portrait of pre-recession behavior, corporate America, materialistic excess, cutthroat competition and how these forces come into play in the life of the 21st century American.

“It’s fun, it’s funny, it’s relatable, it’s original and it really is scandalous,” Holmes says. “Everyone loves hearing the drama. This book consists of the things we hate loving and love hating.”

“The Cubicle Diaries: Volume II” is, ultimately, not just a story of corporate life but life in general and what it means to be human in an increasingly harsh and inhuman world.

“The Cubicle Diaries: Volume II”

By Otter Holmes

Hardcover | 6 x 9in | 314 pages | ISBN 9781524505097

Softcover | 6 x 9in | 314 pages | ISBN 9781524505080

E-Book | 314 pages | ISBN 9781524505073

Available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble

About the Author

Otter Holmes is a Los Angeles native who enjoys entertaining people. A man of many talents, he enjoys traveling, painting, photography, cooking and exercising.

WARNING: NOT ONLY DO I GUSH, BUT I ALSO GIVE OUT QUITE THE SPOILER ALERTS BUT WHO CARES! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO FIND OUT ANYWAYS. & BESIDES, IT’S NOT TOOOOO MUCH.

The wait is FINALLY over! My God! How does that saying go, don’t talk about it, be about it. Oh, it’s time to be about it. Now is the time I can prove more than ever why I came back to the states. Time for the marketing spurs to activate, time to whip out the rosé, time to whip out the roses –black roses that is, time to let games begins. FINALLY!!! The Cubicle Diaries: Friends Close, Coworkers Closer has finally debuted. I was behind by a few weeks, but it was all for perfecting reasons. It’s funny how I found out the gospel. I was kicking it in my apartment, waiting patiently for my author copies to come, and I was like, watch my book be live & me not even know it! I then “accidently” clicked on the link to my book via Amazon, and there it was, alive and ready for anyone in the world to buy. I was like, OMFGG! The first thing I thought, besides OMG & Thank you, Jesus, was where is the fucken rosé?!? This isn’t a celebration for sparkling wine, this calls for real champagne. Fuck a hoe, I’m pulling out the stops on this bitch! I worked soooooooooooooo hard for this piece. I seasoned it and marinated it, and now it is ready for everyone to feast off of and suffer from gluttony. I can’t believe it. Twice author. I know for a fact some thought I wasn’t going to do it, and that I’m all talk. Here’s a few words of advice, don’t EVER underestimate me. I’m not you. I feel so happy and confident on this project. In the interview I had a few months ago, see past blogs, I shared that I can finally feel like a writer. I am in LOVE with this volume.

It took me a year to do my own edits. Edits not write the motherfucker. Then I went back & forth with the publishing company. Back and forth, back and forth, and then I was like, OK, step away from the keyboard. Plus, I felt like there was no reason to edit it anymore, and I have to trust the editors to let them do their thing. It’s hard for every writer to step away from their project, because it can always be that much better, but we must learn to trust in ourselves and make the next round or project better, if needed. And that’s kind of what happened with volume II. I definitely LOVE volume I, it is my baby, but the thing that I love about The Cubicle Diaries is that it’s a series that gets better and better. Everything the series is capable of is not paraded into the first volume, although a lot of it starts there; the seeds were planted. The second volume definitely surpasses the first on a lot of levels. I learned a lot from volume I, and because of that volume II is better, and because of volume II, volume III will be ‘grand.’ I so wanna touch on volume III, but I need to thrive off of volume II at the moment.

I’m proud because most writers feel success off of writing one piece, which is great, but not for me. I’m just like, I, and The Cubicle Diaries has so much to tell. We all have a story to tell. Some are just more interesting than others. I love this volume because it’s very episodic and entertaining. It is literally LOL funny. I LOVE what I did to all the characters. I swear, “Doris” and “Louva” definitely steal the scenes. And speaking of them, they’re so important to the story, I gave them their own titled chapters, which are VERY important to the story. We really get into Louva’s mindset and her deep, dark psyche. And as for “Doris,” that’s REALLY something else. I love the title of her chapter. I love the fact that she goes on a rampage. Because of that chapter, I suffered from writers block. I had to revisit it at a later time and move on. I’m glad I did because it turned out to be so great. I let that puppy simmer. Also, her chapter is the longest. I love the titular chapter, “Friends Close, Coworkers Closer.” I love the dialog in that one and I love the roles the characters are playing at that point. I swear, it’s like a show! Hopefully one day it will be. I yearn for the day where I see the caption, “Based on the book by Otter Holmes.” Then MAYBE I could die.

The cover. The cover I wanted completely redone. While promoting There’s Something in the Coffee, I met some rad people in Portland, Oregon. That night was magical. LOL. Portland and that trip was magical. LOL. [Inside joke with myself]. I met a group of people. We were all strangers basically in town for some specific reason for a short amount of time. What was all the more interesting was that I met “Derek from Seattle.” Not only is the main protagonist, and on occasion anti-hero and one of the many on-again villains the story has to offer, named “Derek,” but he is from Seattle. It was so iRONic. Like literally. I wanted to be like, tell me everything about you. He was a looker, too. Talk about life imitating art, art imitating life. I’ll just say it was Dionysus talking to me… I shared my story, as we all did, and there was a guy and a girl there who gave me ideas on how to make my book cover more interesting. Basically the way I interpreted it was, we judge books by their cover and make yours eye catching, and then it hit me. I knew exactly how I wanted the cover. I had already knew what I wanted to do with the cover, but these magical creatures in the land of books gave me a push in the direction I needed to head into. I wanted the cover to share what the story is about, even more than just a black rose. I wanted the cover to have sex appeal. As for its backside, lol, I wanted to keep that. In a sense it stays tied to the name ‘diary,’ and I still got to keep the black roses, because after all, the black roses are FINALLY explained in this volume. I like how there is a sense of mystery attached to the story, too. There’s lots of questions to ask and edginess. There may be only one recipient to the infamous bouquet, but there could be many senders; and then, everyone becomes a recipient.

I love this volume because I got to exercise my skill, channel A LOT that I learned studying English, create my own soap-opera – dramalike show [in a book form for now], and also channel the great Shakespeare. I see “Louva” as my “Shakespearean” character. She has some of the best lines/ quotes. She speaks a lot in rhetoric, for those who notice and know it. “Looking Louva” is one big [direct] gift to English and Shakespeare. I love how thematic the book is. Aside from everyone being on the same payroll in a hostile work environment, the one thing they also share is they all say the same thing. I’ll leave that to you, the reader, to figure out. “All is Fair in Love & War” is pretty up there. Look out for the alphabet part. That’s when I knew I was having fun with English.

There isn’t just scandal, revenge, drama, & betrayal, there’s a little of romance, courtesy of Madeline and Howard. Then there’s bad romance with the Derek, Emily, Pasqual love triangle. I mean, who gets in a love triangle with their boss and his mistress?!? I have to admit that is one messy situation. There’s lots of power struggles. Power is at a height in the office. I love the way I get to define people getting close and eventually becoming friends in the workplace. There are some light hearted parts, especially towards the end when some of the characters take a little trip BUT it’s not like the ending of the first volume. And obviously with scandal comes sex, or rather, with sex comes scandal. I swear, the sex scenes are bound to give any reader an erotic reaction, and believe me, that was all intentional. I’m a very detailed person and I tried to make everything as clear and vivid as possible. There is, however, a sense of mystery going on, especially with the black roses. I LOVE the All Hallows Eve chapter! That’s so thematic! It really is hard to say which is my favourite chapter. “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Doris” is pretty up there. I LOVE the twist at the end, end; the finale. It’s a good way to close the second volume and open the third. The ending definitely underscores the entire story. The ending to volume one was good, but this puts it to rest. I wanted to keep on writing, but I was like, leave it for the third! We all get to see the violation of professional life and personal life in more than one work environment.

2 parts, 33 chapters. I had to have my ‘part I’ and ‘part II.’ I busted hard when I saw the table of contents because I was like, how dramatic, part I and part II, but it’s EXACTLY how I wanted it. I love ‘parts’ –pun intended. LOL. Part I is different from part II. The original subtitled was called Know Your Coworkers, but then I came up with Friends Close, Coworkers Closer, which sounds a lot better and juicier. Another thing that I love about The Cubicle Diaries is that it is a story that is relatable to anyone, especially to those in an office work environment. The concept of employment is relatable in general. It all starts off by getting to know your coworkers, because after all we do spend all day every day together and we all have to earn a living, then we vent to each other when another coworker or boss or some stupid SOP gets in the way of our functioning, then we go to lunch and confided in each other when people aren’t eavesdropping on us, then we obliviously establish a personal relationship. Then we hit up happy hour or celebrate someone’s birthday because God forbid we don’t. And how annoying and stupid is it to diss your coworker knowing that you see them all day every day?!?! The people who crack me up are the ones who have the nerve to be mad at you for you being mad at them for something shady they did. Then, especially for those people, you have to make it clear that, bitch, we’re not friends, we’re coworkers. I don’t like you. I’m basically paid to keep it cool with you, but ultimately, I don’t fuck with you! It’s them who make it awkward. Fuckin’ weirdos. Speaking of ‘fuckin’,’ there are a lot of ‘f’ bombs. LOL. Anyhow, back to how one can relate to The Cubicle Diaries. Then we start getting drunk, and for some of us get high, lol, and confided in each other some more, and then some of us start hooking up and then we learn to get each other’s back and then eventually learn to watch our back because after all, business is business and we came to earn money and not friends. It’s a vicious cycle and we all knew we should’ve never mixed business and pleasure but we did it anyways because some of us are only human. We’re all guilty and we’re all villains. The Cubicle Diaries is full of villains, even our beloved little “Derek Johnston.” The Cubicle Diaries also has the boss no one wants, “Doris,” the boss everyone wants, “Simon” and maybe “Pasqual,” office politics, favoritism, and everyday habits we all have, especially when it comes to work. The one thing The Cubicle Diaries has that not everyone or every book has is originality. I also focused a lot of creating iconic quotes for the characters.

One of the major characters that’s not always mentioned out loud “directly” as you would say is Los Angeles. This isn’t just a gift to English, because I channeled A LOT I learned from studying it –Shakespeare– it’s also a gift to LA. I basically paid homage to my native land. We may be parted at the moment, but that does not mean I don’t [still] love it.

I swear, no matter how many times I’ve read it, edited it, WROTE it because yes I lost the first draft, I still get a huge bust out of it. I’m so proud of it. Don’t worry, if you didn’t read part I, that’s OK because part II feels in a lot of the blanks and catches the slow pokes up to speed.

So do yourself, and me a favor, go buy my book. I promise it is worth every penny, even the tax. What I’m even more proud of and excited over is that once everyone is done reading this book, they will definitely learn that we should definitely, especially in a world of business, keep our “Friends Close, Coworkers Closer” and that scandal in the workplace can be toxic.

When I die, I wanna be just like Shakespeare; I wanna die on the day I was born. Talk about everything coming full circle. The only thing that fears me a little, yes, even I on occasion have things to fear, but even then I’ve learned we must face fear in its pretty little face even if it rips us to fucking shreds, the thing that fears me the most is that my birthday is coming up. No more cruising down Twentieth Street, I’m about to turn onto 30^th Drive. No matter how many drunken spirals I’ve come down from & ask heavenly father to please take me now, I’m still not ready to go! Yes, I am in the midst of publishing my second book – which I am SUPER excited for! But I also have a lot to conquer still. I still have a 3rd volume to publish. I still have other stories I’d like to publish. I still wanna live in Europe, & a few other states in the states. I still have a lot to conquer! Life is one big journey. & don’t get me wrong, or twisted, life for me does have its challenges. It’s not all Gucci & Burberry, there is some Coach in there occasion, too. & eventually I would like to return to California –everything does comes full circle. It is my home, after all. I once said, regardless of where life or my career shall take me, I will forever be an Angeleno. But as for right now, my home is Chicago. I’m a Chicagoan. I was once An American in Asia, & now I’m A Californian in Chicago. [Oh, how I love English]. Yes, I moved, again! Gypsy? That is an understatement, but I’ll take it. Chicago is great. I’m still learning a lot about this underrated city, my new surroundings. I get the 4 seasons I opted for. I get the city feel. I get to look at alllll sorts of eye candy, & let’s just say, I’m not even a sweet tooth, but even I can’t resist & every vampire needs to feed. I get all that I am asking for. They say be careful what you wish for, because you JUST might get it. It’s funny because I came here 5 years ago & fell in love with the city. I’m so proud to have actually move here & call it home! I live right by the beach – walking distance might I add. It’s OK to be a little jealous. I have learned to appreciate constant sunshine. LOL. But I also have learned to love & indulge on actual weather. I also learned that the people here do not let the weather get in the way of ANYTHING. How & why would they? Then they would never get anything done, especially in the winter. Versus like in SoCal when its drizzling an apparent storm & flooding is headed the way. I don’t miss how annoying those reporters were, & for the record, I don’t miss LA. It’s soooo funny because when people learn I am an Angeleno, they ask me two questions –besides for my autograph – why would I leave LA & why would I come to Chicago in the winter? It’s HIGH-larious. I’m just like, LA isn’t everything –coming from the one born & raised there speaking to people who yearn to get the opportunity to even visit.

Sadly, I will never be Shakespeare, because those are some pretty big shoes to feel, & besides, I’m me. I actually really like me. If I wasn’t me, I would soooo date me. I definitely channel him, Shakespeare that is, in “The Cubicle Diaries: Friends Close, Coworkers Closer.” I took almost everything I learned in English & incorporated into this volume. While reading & editing it in public, I couldn’t help but bust! Like REALLY hard! I did the same for Volume I, but Volume II is over.the.top –pun intended. I know people are like, what’s wrong with him & when they don’t think that, they’re like, what is he reading?!? In time, people! In time! It took me a year to season this puppy, & now I am [almost] ready to feed the world. It’s REALLY good. The characters are more developed, there’s more dialogue, I’m revamping the cover, I’m basically revamping the story. I heart “The Cubicle Diaries” because its one of those series that gets better & better instead of having the first installment be the shit & the rest just shit. Every artist should be proud of his work, but I am REALLY proud of this work. I came back to the states for a reason, not because I was homesick. I could’ve stayed in China, but “The Cubicle Diaries” couldn’t. If there is one thing I hate wasting, it is time. We’re only granted a certain amount of time here.

Sometimes when I’m on the train home, I just ponder outside the windows & admire all the streets & liveliness of the city. There are so many cool neighborhoods, & they all offer something different. Nearly everyone has a Ventra card, everyone. The people are nice, too. VERY different from Angelenos – & the Chinese. LOL. I love China. I had a GREAT time there. I found happiness. But, I went with the mindset that China wasn’t forever, nothing is; however, everything comes full circle. I’m really glad that I have winter clothes & am actually able to rock them. & yes, you gotta pack on those layers here! It gets so cold your body goes numb and hurts. It’s funny because people are like, this was a light winter. I’m like, fuuuckkkk! But, I don’t complain because this is what I asked for. & it’s funny because when I first landed here, it was winter, & adding to people questioning why I would come to Chicago in the winter, I would respond, which is part of the English in me, If I can survive winter, I can survive anything. Thank you, Jesus; thank you Fiona Goode; thank you, Dionysus!

There are 3 major things ironic about me landing in Chicago, so far that I have noticed: my apartment mocks very much like my 1^st apartment in Hollywood, & I will FOREVER love Hollywood; they’re hosting a year-long celebration of Shakespeare. It’s been 400 years since his death & 452 since his birth. He, too, is a Taurean J; & everything year Bookcon is held in New York. Ironically, it is in Chicago this year! What are the odds?!?! When I learned that, I was like, this is my destiny. After that, I definitely threw Volume 2 on the front burner. Life is so interesting. The people in it & everything about it. It’s even funnier how there are 7 billion people in the world & yet we all still have the audacity to think the world revolves around us. & YES, everyone crosses our paths for a reason, & everything is an experience. Life is always talking to us whether we are listening or not, follow the signs! Sadly, in life, we must take the wrong route on occasion, but overall, that is life, one big journey. & for those of us paying attention, & on occasion being nostalgic, we stop & realize everything comes full circle.

P.S. Happy Walpurgisnacht!

What Else Did She Say?

They say some things are better left unsaid, but what else did she say? I knew she wasn’t done, she never is. I’m a nightmare, you’re a nightmare, this is all one bad dream? She needs to accept the fact that it’s over, you’ve moved on, & you’re with someone who makes you happier. This is not my fault. I can only be accountable for the fact that you fell for me. It’s too hard to stop the thing we started. She had her reign, but everyone know every now & then a good queen is always overthrown. Call me selfish, but we both know it’s just easier to call it off with her. She had her fun, she should’ve enjoyed her time, but everyone knows every song always ends.

The Sun Has Set At Spotlight Sunshine

The Sun has set at Spotlight Sunshine. No more strolling down the pond. No more gazing at the towers in the smog infested sky. No more seeing the happy little bastard children play. Veni Vidi Vici. G18-1309 was where the comfort was. All the black magic of an evil witch bitch by the name of “Schowhaar” resided in G4. Schowhaar was mean & evil; ugly on the inside & out. Vulnerable & empty; insecure at the highest peak one could be. Schowhaar reeked of spices & death. Her stench fumigated goodness and whiteness. Schowhaar was all for show. Her show was a no go. She had no one fooled. Everyone knew Schowhaar’s games. The little trolls only played with her to keep her quiet. No one loved Shcowhaar, not even herself. No one liked Schowhaar like the way everyone else loved the handsome city boy. The handsome city boy saw straight through Schowhaar. He would always tell the trolls he had seen her kind before, & that everyone should be cautious of her, stay very clear of her. The trolls agreed, but they told the handsome city boy they had to abide by their headmaster’s rules & make nice with Schowhaar. Otherwise, Schowhaar would summon a hurricane that would wipe out all the towers, the pond, the children, the sunlight. Schowhaar really liked the handsome city boy, but he never gave into her. His guard was as hard as iron steel. He was a brave man. Schowhaar couldn’t take it one day. After an overflowing of tears & screaming to herself in her G4 tower, worrying and scaring the shit out of everyone around her, Schowhaar decided to take matters into her own control. One day Schowhaar poisoned the handsome city boy’s raspberry tea & took him back to her G4 tower. No one knows what happened that day, not even the handsome city boy. He was never the same again. Things began to get dark for the handsome city boy. He was only half there at best. It was something strange. It was as if the life was sucked out of him. The only thing the city handsome boy said from now on was, “The Sun has set at Spotlight Sunshine.”

Starstruckt

Your effects affect me. Is it love, or is it lust? I think I’m way past the infatuation stage. I think I’m damn near in love with you. I’m more into you than I am into my partner; the one I thought who only mattered. I dreamt one day I would meet you, but I was in denial, thinking it was too good to be true & here you are, in the flesh. Pinch me if I’m not awake, but wait, don’t pinch me at all, because if this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up. Waking up would be my nightmare. You have me starstruckt. Yes, with a ‘t’ because it’s nothing like I’ve ever felt or seen before, but what’s even bigger is that ‘k’. Oh that ‘k’… Maybe even that ‘c’ too. You have me trying to fit a squares into circular holes. You’re my soulmate, I know it. You’re like this supermodel, you’re like this celebrity, you’re like this god. Fucken Dionysus. I want pictures of you all over my personal space, so whenever I dwell that maybe you were just this short-lived fantasy I can recall the fact that you are real, at least to me you are; you’re my four-leaf clover.

Space

Space is the place that brought us together.

Space is the place that separated us.

Is it possible to break up in the same place we met?

They say everything comes full circle, but all you are is a circular shape full of black mass.

Don’t just give me my space, get the fuck out of my face.

Sleepwalker

Today, I woke up & thought, what the fuck is the purpose of today? Oh yeah, I have to make people smile & laugh, while I live alone, lonely, isolated. I’m tried. I’m tired of wearing this façade. It’s like I’m sleepwalking, but this isn’t a dream, it’s a nightmare; this is reality, this is the real deal. I realized the saying, like all of them, is true, “No one cares when the tears of a clown fall down.”

I woke up this morning & all I did was mourn. & then I said, “Self I said, good mourning.” What was the purpose of waking up? What is it?!

I woke up this morning & I wanted to die. I wanted to go back where I was, in a deep slumber. It’s strange because I haven’t felt sad or depressed in a long time, & when I did this time, it felt like normalcy to me. In my sleep I walked & walked. I had no idea where I was going. I was on another mission; another mission to conquer the impossible. But what is the impossible? What is the meaning of all this?

I woke up this morning & thought, what is the purpose of all this? What am I living for? I’m tired of looking & wanting answers.

In my nightmare, because it wasn’t a dream, despite the fact that they always say, “It was just a dream…” I got tired of walking. So, I decided to run. I was in search for answers & I thought that maybe if I ran I would get to them sooner. But where was I headed to now? It’s something I can’t even understand. I didn’t even have breath to breathe, but I still ran. The more I ran, the more the finish line ran from me. Sometimes, when I’m wide awake & dreaming, I think, is this reality, or am I just a functional sleepwalker? Being a zombie would make me feel like a celebrity at the moment.

I’m a functional sleepwalker. I don’t seem to know the difference between reality & fiction. That’s one of my many problems. I don’t know about this thing called “life,” or that thing called “reality.” I’m too sick of living in fiction & day dreaming. I’m yearning for eternal sleep. That seems like the only solution, the only resolution. Maybe then all the bad dreams will go away. I’ll be all dreamed out. But whatever it is, whatever is really going on that I can’t explain, because I don’t know, you should never wake a sleepwalker.

Eruption [& You!]

Here we fucken go! Another day at this place; another pointless meeting; another waste of time; another loss of my hearing. Fuck, get me out of my contract already. I can’t stand anyone! All these people are so full of it. I got this dumb fuck, & that dumb fuck; here a dumb fuck, there a dumb fuck! I’m surrounded by dumb fucks! & speaking of the devil… literally. Here comes this bitch. Fucken fake Christian! The thought of you gives me a doe-doe. I can’t stand you, or that stupid face of yours you color with bright make-up. No one looks at you so stop! Full of shit? Yes, you are! You’re all bark & no bite, dumb bitch! That’s you. Over the top fake. Fucken alcoholic, always at work drunk. Fucken knock-off with your knock-offs, yet you feel like a knock out! An understatement? You’re not a hypocrite, you’re a hippo-crite! With your stupid laugh. Go blow your nose! Fucken brat! Overgrown baby! It’s always about you, so you think it is. Thinking you got class & an ass. All you are is an ass! People only talk about you to talk shit about you. Enough with all the perfume you pack on by the gallon. Insecure much? Go home already! Go die!

“Um, Lucas, hello!?! Are you there? We’re supposed to be in meeting. Can you please act like you’re paying attention? It’s always something with you!”

“You know what? I’m tired of acting, & I’m tired of you & these stupid fucking meetings! You pathetic boss! You whore-able boss! You uneducated bitch! My minimal is your accelerated! I’ve had it! I’ve had it with all of you! Especially you!

& you! You say you’re a vegetarian animal lover, but you sure love those leather goods! Fucken pushover. How many cliffs have you seen? Fucken weakass. Has anyone said you look like a squirrel? Miss “I’m a strong person…” You’re about as strong as an ant, & not even a fire ant! Go die! Seriously.

Great! In walks the next bitch. & you! Let me guess, another complaint out of your filthy, nasty mouth? Shut it, please, just shut it! Go home already! Seriously! & when you finally get over the pond, go die! Fucken hag. Overgrown baby #2. Go with your frienemy. I bet you guys hate each other so much because you guys hooked up. Do the world, & your co-workers a favor, do die!

& you! Tell me you love me already. Your eyes do every day. Your eyes also tell my crotch when you automatically look at it before you make eye contact with me. FYI: wrong eye! It’s one thing being high maintenance, but seriously, who do you think you are?!? What are you going to do? Just walk away? In fact, please runaway!

& you! Tell me you hate me already so we can duke it out. Put your fucken hair back because I’m ready to fight a bitch! Don’t look at me!

& you! Whose dick did you suck to get here?

& you! You better be careful because when bitches hate, you fuck their man! & you’re long overdue! & not only are you a hater, your man is sending me smoke signals. You with that penis head shaped head of yours! You’re just as bad as your pushover frienemy! Go die! Talk about I’m a good person… You’re a good person to step on! Easy target. You’re as corrupted & fake as the people you talk shit about! In case you haven’t notice, your man don’t want you! I know you’re desperate, but how desperate are you? Stupid bitch!

& you! Can you be anymore all up on me?!? I’m just waiting for you to rush me.

& you! You better stay clear of me when you’re drunk because after I’m done with you you’ll want to marry me. You’ll leave the one you’re with in heartbeat! I get we all need someone, but it’s obvious you’re not happy! I see the way you give me those eyes!

& you! You’re sorry that’s what you are. Talk about hiring anyone to take up space. You waste of company money!

& you! How old are you again? You’re gonna be 90 still living at home, afraid to come home after dark!

& you! I like you, literally, let’s just go get it on already –again. Talk about duplicity!

& you! You’re freaky looking & weird.

& you! Not only are you stupid, you’re fat! You’re so fat your kankles can’t even hold you down, or up rather! Fucken old maid! For the record, no one takes you serious! It’s time to ease up on work & focus on getting a man & if you can’t get a man, get a woman! Stupid Fat Bitch! Go have a sausage! Fucken porker!

& you! You’re so insecure & naïve, you’ll believe anything, even the poor see you as a charity case. Stupid bitch!

& you! I don’t know who’s dumber? The people you rip off, or the people you “lead”?

& you! GO DIE! ! !

& you! Oh you… you down for dinner? And maybe dessert? Wink, wink. I see the way you look at me.

& you! Oh God! I know you have a disease by now, probably even three! & BTW, I know you know you’re fucking obnoxious! Pretend you’re always in a library, will you?

Fuck you all! I’m out of this bitch! Peace bitches!”

Oh my God! I can’t believe that just happened! I feel relieved! & I thought working at that twisted, corrupted mergers & acquisitions firm was an experience from hell. Free at fucken last! Later bitches! They’re seriously lucky I didn’t go postal. I hope I got through to them.

Dream Journal entry #1187

Last night’s dream was a weird one. Lately that’s all they’ve been. The strangest things have been happening to me in my sleep. I had a dream I was at work, but work didn’t look like work. I was in a high rise in downtown. I was talking with my co-worker, sipping coffee & flirting. Then, all of a sudden a tsunami hit. Luckily for me it struck right when I was at the higher levels of the building. I felt the building shift. It was like a sonic boom. Everyone around me screamed, even the grown men. The building started turning in a spiral. I ran for dear life. I ran to the roof. I was almost there, I almost reached the top. I hurried for safety from the flooding building. I was hoping my superpowers would kick in so I could be like Spiderman & jump from building to building. Just as I reached for the doorknob to the exit, my alarm clock went off.

Dream Journal Entry #13

I was restless. Then, somehow, I knocked out. I hated it because right before it was time to get up, I knocked out. But in the few minutes of actual sleep, I was able to dream. I thought it was off, but since I moved locations, I’ve had the strangest things happen to me, especially in my dreams. In this dream I was hiking. I reached the mountaintop. I saw valleys, hills, the whole city. Then, out of nowhere, I started running. Just as I was about to reach the cliff, I jumped. Out of nowhere I had the ability to fly. It was like I was swimming in the air. I could feel my body work & flex itself. I turned around, & out of all things, I saw Grimace, Birdie, & Ronald McDonald joining me. We were all airborne. The strange things was, this wasn’t the first time I dreamt of flying. Another time I was at a theme park, & as the roller coaster came to a loop, the cart went off the rails. It started gliding into the air. I jumped out & started flying myself. When I felt like I was coming down, I found somewhere to land quickly & safely. As I was about to hit the ground, I bounced like I was on a trampoline back into the air. What does this all mean?

Death Note

Here it is, I’m signing off & signing my name one last time. I can’t take it anymore. All my dreams have become nothing but nightmares. I’m ready. This is something I’ve wanted for a very long time, but I was always too scared. I’m no longer broken, I’m shattered. Outer space is calling me, & this is one call I cannot miss. I could just up & leave, but I don’t want anyone looking for me. All along no one has seemed to care, & now that I’ll be gone, they will? Burn me, don’t cremate me. Scatter me all over the sea. Feed me to the sharks, not the poor seagulls. Donate my belongings. Here are my credit cards & PIN numbers, so I can pay for my funeral. If we ever meet again, I don’t want to have to worry about paying anyone back, or even giving a ‘thank you’. Goodbye, good riddance, good luck; go die.

___________

Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
When I want you in my arms
When I want you & all your charms
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

[‘Death Note,’ ‘Starstruckt,’ & ‘What Else Did She Say?,’ photo courtesy of Chicago Art Museum / ‘Dream Journal Entry #1187’ photo courtesy of The Last Bookstore / ‘Dream Journal Entry #13’ photo courtesy of Norton Simon Museum / all photos taken & edited by Otter Holmes / contains lyrics of ‘Dream’ by Everly Bros.]

Brown & Down

Aunt Flow was in town, but that didn’t stop her.

She rode that pony like a bat out of hell.

All she cared about was getting to her destination, her finish line, her endpoint.

She was pretty,

She was well put together,

She had good brain.

She was energetic,

She sucked the life out of me.

She was an alien from outer space.

She cracked the codes no one could decipher.

She had goals,

She had dreams,

She had attitude,

She was something I had never seen.

She was mean,

She was nice,

She was sugar;

&

She was spice.

She had stamina,

She had drive,

She was a trooper,

She was the queen bee with more than one bee hive.

She knew what she wanted,

She always sealed the deal.

She was hungry,

She was thirsty.

She was also broken, damaged;

She had issues.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Send me someone, I’m lonely. All this space around me is caving in. I’m about to be sucked into a black hole. I’m lonely, scared, confused; I don’t know what to do. I need someone to talk to, someone I don’t know, someone who won’t judge me, someone who will like me for who & what I am. I can’t dream anymore, I only nightmare. When I do do what I think is dream, they’re strange to me because I am happy. But, when I wake up I am sad. Because of that, all I do want to try & do is sleep. I’m scared, & I can’t share this with anyone else. Dear diary, you are all I have, but I need something else, something more, some other body; another pair of ears. Don’t send me a therapist, don’t send me a psychologist, don’t send me a psychiatrist. Send me someone without a license, send me someone who will only give me advice if I ask for it; send me someone real. I’ll never admit it, but I do need advice, I do need guidance, I do need support, I do need help. I’m depressed, I’m vulnerable, I’m hungry for love. Dear diary, send them, & send them soon.

Dream Journal Entry #112

It happened again. I know I sound paranoid, but I think all these strange dreams mean something. I think they mean someone is out to get me, that someone is chasing after me, & maybe that we have some unfinished business. Whomever this “we” is. I wonder if it’s because I know so much. I think someone might want me dead for something they shared with me. This time, supernatural took a turn for the crazier.

I was babysitting 6 kids. I was at a barbeque at a big, white two story house. This house had a big pool. The neighbor raised crocodiles. I went to say ”hi” to a friend who arrived, & when we got closer to each other, I noticed there was a big crocodile on the short wall ready to leap over & attack us, or maybe more so me. She screamed, & fell face first, smack! Right on the pavement, with her child in her arms. I was in a dream, but the sound was so vivid. I got scared. I looked up & saw the breeder standing there doing nothing but watching me. He was also flanked by 5 other crocodiles. I ran. Fight or flight kicked it. There was no way I was going to fight. I’m not Peter Pan. I age, & I’m OK with that. I am human, right? The crocodile hopped over the short wall, like I knew it would & dove into the pool, & started to chase after me. As I ran, the crocodile grew bigger. I got a glimpse at its big, yellowish-greenish eyes, slits of black were in the middle. It chased me, only me, all around the house. I was able to dodge the crocodile. It destroyed the entire first level of the house. Everyone else at the barbeque saved the children. Then, I tried to make an exit. The crocodile was on a rampage. It was out to get me & only me. Then I saw someone hiding. As I went to grab the hand for help, this creature snapped at me. It looked like a man in a hooded jacket, but when I got a better glimpse at him, he looked half crocodile & half human. His eyes were distinct. Another foe disguised as a friend? I think so. Quickly he ran away. I tried again for an exit. This time I ran to the neighbor’s house across the street. I thought I could be safe there. There I had no help either. Soon the crocodiles tried me there, too. But there, they had more help. I walked into a room. It was like a fortune teller room. I thought a séance was going on. The only thought I had was that I was going to be sacrificed. I turned & saw a grim reaper statue right before my face. It was a fortune teller. It said, “Ask me anything & I will tell you.” I asked, “Is someone chasing after me?” His response was one word, one word I only had to hear, and fear, “Ab-so-lutely.” His word was more stressed than I was. I could feel my body trying to wake up but it was paralyzed. Then, I was cornered. There was now actual people after me. It was a him, a demonic-like him. I turned & saw a window. I didn’t think twice. I couldn’t. I hopped out of the window. Only before I made an exit did I cut my arm on some broken glass in the window pane; the pane caused me pain. When I got on the other side, I fell to the floor. Hard. I got up dazed, but when I looked up, I was awake in my room. The strange this is, when I looked at my arm, I saw a cut on it.

Dream Journal Entry #6664

He’s after me, again. The Clown Killer. This time I was at someone’s house in the boonies. There were pine trees everywhere. If it weren’t for that built-in brick barbeque in the backyard, I wouldn’t be alive; I would’ve never been saved. Someone is chasing after me, I think we have some unfinished business. I remember I was in my pajamas. I was very young at the time. I got a better look at him this time. He was gruesome. I remember hearing my own scream in my sleep. I tried to wake up & move, but my body was paralyzed. I was numb. It became harder for me to scream in my sleep, in reality. This nightmare was very similar to the annual Freddy Krueger ones I get. Freddy only comes after me once a year. Once way too many. This mother fucker was after me. He wants me. He no longer just wants me, he wants my flesh. It’s as if I owe him something. I hope my parents didn’t make a deal with the devil & promise him their first born. I don’t know… It’s strange, but I have to admit, stranger things have happened.

HIPPO-crite

I had a dream I had a friend.
It turns out that friend was nothing more than just a foe.
He was always so envious of me, like the fucken hater he is,

& every time I hooked up & he didn’t,

I was always seen as nothing but a hoe.
As time went on,

As time told more,
I realized,
This mother fucker has got to go.
As always,

Hindsight is 20/20.
Now I see he’s nothing more but a crite, with a prefix of hippo.

Let it go? No, let me flow.

All this “friend” was is a sham.

OK, & maybe too a ham.

Then, I realized it was all nothing more than a nightmare.

They say misery loves company, & I couldn’t help but realize how much this “friend” wanted me around.

Now, I’m switching it up…

You may have been reluctant to trust me, & aside from that, no one in general. Touché! Are you really that damaged & scarred? Thank you for reminding me the human mind is so loose, & is capable of changing multiple times throughout the day. I REALLY needed that refresher. Thank you for reminding me that there are such things as haters out there, even your “close” friends.

The place you provided me to stay only reflected you: hollow, empty, nothing (going on); simply a reflection of whom you really are. Didn’t I mention sad and lame? Oh wait, I just did.

You’re so sad you should get a “Happy Meal” –from Subway. No, Double Quarter Pounders with extra cheese don’t come in Mighty Kids meals either.

MISS-ter I’m so loyal, I’m so trustworthy, I’m such a good person. The only things you’re good at is being a bitch. The only thing I take your word for now is which local buffet to hit up.

Cynical. What is real about you? You’re a hater to everyone, not just me.

I get you’re frustrated, but I don’t control the sadness of your sad little life, so don’t take it out on me. Oh wait, you already did that –multiple times. I didn’t wanna bring drama, but you provoked it. For some strange reason, you wanted me to bring it. You tried anything you could to point the finger. All so you could thrive off of me

When I realized all you were & are jealous me, it helped realized you not only love living through me, you actually want to be me. Always competing & shit. We know who’s gonna win. Why would you set yourself up for failure? OH WAIT! To try & make me look bad to anyone you talk to about me behind my back. & yes, you do that. Single, off-white male…

Don’t you know jealousy is an evil thing? If you want something, go out & get it instead of trying to have everything I have, or better yet, everyone who wants me. Get your lazy ass up & do something. You were always jealous when people glanced at me that you were obviously staring down, checking out.

Miss-ter I should’ve trusted my gut feeling. Fuck, talk about lying to yourself. That’s a lot of lying! Your ENTIRE gut? I wouldn’t trust me either anymore. Talk about self-manipulation, or being pathological. Maybe you secretly hate yourself like you publically hate me (now)?

Even if you traced my hobbies, which you have, you’d still be bored! We both really know who the better person is. & we both know who the “bigger” person is.

Let the ghetto come out in me. I’ll win there, too. I came from the land of make believe & “fake people” remember? You remind anyone you can. I didn’t know I was going to end up befriending one. You had your plan the entire time. That reminds me… It was me who took care of you first. But you must’ve forgot that becoming senile & all. Now that we’re on your turf you wanna play hardball? I’ll beat you at that, too. Go get you cup! Oh wait…

You did me a favor? I’m just assuming things? Don’t get it twisted, I have dignity. I don’t demand things like a certain someone I know. The only favor you did me was refresh my memory how one shouldn’t be trusted. But apparently I’m the one who can’t get trusted, right? I don’t ever recall giving you a reason. You on the other hand have given me multiple. Get over yourself! I’ll say it, again, I’m over you! Sadly, I trusted in you. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. But I don’t doubt myself nor hate myself for that mistake. Everything is a learning experience, even the bad one confiding in you.

You have the nerve to say I need to make up my mind on life? At least I know where I’m going, at least I have check marks on my to-do list. I’m not the wishing thinking couch potato. We both know when I want something I go out & get it. Keep chasing your tail with your tales.

You’re over it, I’m OVER YOU! Anal ass! No wonder you ain’t got no one.

You started the fire. Caught red handed with the gas & matches, yet it was everyone else sparking up the drama. Get it together! ! ! What is it?!? What it is is something new with you every-fucken-day.

Not only do BITCHES make me bust! People who swear they have it together make me bust.

Who charges an arm & a leg for a fingernail & a hand me down?

I’ve only just begun…

All you are is my shadow yet you still want the spotlight. We know you long for my minimal. I’m tired of being your compass. You lost un-little soul.

Throwing shade? You mean the shade you create?

If it weren’t for me you’d still be searching for guidance in a society you’ve been living longer in.

Fronting like you got shit going on. All you got is shit actually going on.

But don’t get it twisted. I’m not talking shit about you… (But ultimately this is all about you).

Sound familiar? It should. It came straight from the horse’s mouth.

We’ll see how much style & flow you have without me, or better yet, where you won’t go. There ain’t no love lost. Just drama lost. Fucken hater. Washed up. You were actually never even wet, so I take that back. You know all about taking things back, especially your words. But wait, you probably forgot that, too!

You know nothing about the deep end. You won’t even swim in the shallow with floaties, & they say the heavy things float first. All you do is sink! & you stink!

Bitch.

You’re a bad dream. A nightmare to yourself. Wake up! Your strangeness is real. & that’s why I made it clear: you’re nothing. You made me hate you, & now, take it. You started the war. But remember, in case you forgot, because you probably did with all that nothingness going on, I only fight battles I can win. So unless you’re going to crash into me, stay in your own lane. Go back on your comfy little seat you don’t like straying far from, benchwarmer. Literally.

I wanted a friend, & because of whom you are, you got an enemy. Time told me all I needed to know. Don’t get it twisted, there ain’t no pigs blood on my hands.

You wanted your 15 mins of fame via my writing, well here you go. Be careful what you wish for.

B is for bitch, because that’s your role in this ordeal.
I is for the itch you should’ve scratched. You should’ve listened to your Intuition. I, on the other hand, should’ve listened to mine & your other friend who was more willing to tell the truth before I was.
T is for truly yours, “Xo Xo.” Oh wait, you got that from me, too. T also stands for taking your frustrations out on me, because that’s pretty much what you did, especially towards the end. It’s not my fault you are the way you are. News for the wise, fortune’s wheel never spins in our favor. You know. You thrived when it wasn’t in mine.
C is for childish, Mr. “Grown up.” Mr. I’ve kept my end of the bargain. OK!?! You went against everything you said. You must’ve slipped on all my honesty. Because of you I learned maybe honesty isn’t the best policy. I always tried to be truthful, but because you are who you are, you turned to cynicism first. You’re so Contradicting with your Confusing, Cynical self. Who does & says half the things you say & do? You could be an “asshole?” I’ll show you a bitch. Starting a fight over the smallest things, even a mailbox. What does that? Wait, an anal bitch like you.
H is for how could I? How could you? Hag.
This all makes sense because all problems begin with a P.

Flubber, blubber, you make Spongebob Square Pants look round. Remember, I didn’t start this. You did. & I won’t stop until I’m ready. I’m just about there. You rattled the cage. You woke the beast. You can’t stand the heat. & I know it’s hard but stay out of the kitchen. With your dirty ass kitchen.

& everything is through your eyes. Check your bifocals, grandma. I’m not responsible or reliable for your bitterness, or the fact that you’re bored with your lame self. Go ahead, complain & bitch. As of lately I’ve noticed that’s all you do.

As this journey concludes,

I had no choice but to allude,

It’s all because of your attitude.

C’mon dude!

Now, time for other ventures,

Time to move on,

Thank you for getting out of my life,

Winter is over,

No more bad mares of nights.

Idiot

Let my credit cards go into default even though I had the money to pay them;

Drive without auto insurance on my new car;

Accidently leave a knife in my luggage & get caught with it at LAX;

Not have health insurance even though Obama told me to;

Rock Padres gear at a Dodgers versus Giants game;

Drink decaffeinated coffee with hopes to stay up all night;

Drive while drunk;

Argue with a deaf person;

Lie under oath;

Have sex with strangers;

Have sex with strangers unprotected;

Shoplift at Target;

Get fired to get unemployment, & then get denied for unemployment;

Believe I can be the next God;

Sell my soul to the devil;

Lie on my taxes;

J-walk in front of an LAPD officer;

“Forget” to add insurance on my new iPhone;

Text & drive while hitting 90 on the freeway;

Trust known untrustworthy people;

Believe acid wash jeans were back in;

Travel with no money;

Believe everything on the internet;

But the most idiotic thing I did-

Fall for you.

Out of My Control

This bottle: out of my control

The blackouts: out of my control

The emptiness inside me: out of my control

I can’t seem to love myself: out of my control

My life: out of my control

Peener Mcgee

Some say tall, some say long. Clean with the right cuts, very attractive; there’s enough meat on you. Been places? Yes. Some clean, some dirty, & sometimes the locations traveled always look too familiar. The smell of you is aromatic. The taste of you is flavourful. You look good snuggled up, but you look better when you’re up and extended. The travel time is always fluctuating, it’s just a matter of enjoying the ride, or wanting to get to the destination already, but regardless you’re fun, & I always enjoy a good ride. You like to dream, yes you do, you have a mind of your own, & appetites to feed. Everything about you is a fantasy, & sometimes you can be a bitch & hold out. You have an attitude of your own. There’s no containing you, you have a mind of your own. I swear you’re a character of your own. You have me, Peener, you do. There’s never a dull moment with you. I don’t want to share you with anyone, I want you all for myself. You always have me coming back for more. Peener Mcgee, I have fallen for thee.

Unfinished Business

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me.

[‘Dear Diary,’ ‘Dream Journal Entry #6664,’ & ‘Out of My Control,’ photo courtesy of Chicago Art Museum / taken & edited by Otter Holmes]

We’re @ A Bar

We’re at a bar. Space. We’re with a bunch of people. Barely acquaintances, because I would never call them friends. We’re at a bar. Space. We’re with a bunch of people, but the intimacy of our conversation makes it feel like we’re on a date, like no one else is there. I never believed in love at first sight, but this is something different. This feels like a full on erotic attraction. I was ready to fuck. The intellectual energy being shared & conveyed has me thinking, this is the one. I take a sip of my beer, Dragon tail, to liquidize my dry throat from being so nervous. My palms were sweating. It was more like leaking. We started off with space between us, but as our conversation grew more intense, that space grew smaller & smaller, & my arousal stages grew bigger & bigger. It was hot now. I was hot. We’re at a bar, but I started to think we’re the only ones on the planet. I swear I thought we were in outer space. He spoke normally & naturally, but everything seemed of slow motion. I couldn’t stop staring at his mouth, his lips, his half smirk. I wanted to bite his neck like the vampire I am only so I could have him for eternity. He’s more than my dirty little secret. He makes me feel dirty, in the good kind of way. The only thing I thought about was, I’m not leaving this space until I have what I want. Little did I know, he was thinking the exact same thing. I was paying attention, but I was also going in & out of fantasy after fantasy. I only came back to reality when the dumbass, stoned bartender interrupted & offered me another drink, another Dragon tail. I looked up & mad-dawged the bartender. I was in such a daydream that I hadn’t realized my drink did need refreshing. Had I gone through the entire pint? He got my attention, again. “Are you OK?” He asked. “No,” I answered. “What’s the matter?” he responded. The dumb, stoned bartender brought me another Dragon tail. She placed it right in the center of a paper coaster. It was gently & meticulously placed that I took it as a sign that everything was in place, everything was in order, everything was meant to be. I looked up. We locked eyes. I saw a sparkle in them. Is he already a vampire himself? I thought. Then I saw his smirk again. I couldn’t take it anymore. His laugh lines were so attractive. I looked around & the room was almost empty. I blinked. I opened my eyes & the next thing I knew, we were in another space in Space, a private cabana-like room. We’re at a bar. I don’t remember even getting up, but we were up, up in space. He asked me, again, “Are you OK?” His mouth moved slower than it did before. I was hotter than I was before. I was turned on more than before. As I went to open my mouth to respond, he rushed in & kissed me. I was shocked, I was stunned, I was turned on. I didn’t stop him, I reciprocated. We made out. We’re at a bar. Our kissing grew so passionate. I had to stop for air. He then went for my neck and started kissing it, but when I pulled away I realized we weren’t at a bar. I was in my bed. I got up to go to the bathroom. I had to pee. I had too much tail, Dragon tail. I looked in the mirror, because I never pass by a mirror & not look into it. I was startled at what I saw. What I saw was a bite mark on my neck. My neck was perfectly pierced. What the fuck? I thought. I thought, we were at a bar.

Temptation

Temptation called. & it called, again, & then it called again. I refused to pick it up. The space in between the rings made me want it & you all the more. You didn’t even have to talk, your silence filled me up; no more empty space. I knew, but I played it cool. & within that space of the rings, not only did I grow hotter & more bothered, I had a quick fantasy like nothing I had ever experienced before. I saw the smoke signals in my dilated eyes. I heard the busy tone in my mind echo. I evaded everything, but what caught my attention the most was the direct message of flirtation conveyed. You know how to speak with someone without speaking. You’re all I need & want. & then, the ringer rang louder & of course I picked it up before you hung up & got tired of waiting. I answered, I gave in, I succumbed; you gave me permission. The call didn’t last long, but I sure am happy I answered it. It was short, but it felt like we were together all day & all night. You were a stranger, & I was told never to talk to strangers, but now, we’re more than just friends. Call me.

Strange Dreams & Other Things

I have dreams about my fears, but I don’t call them nightmares. I call them dreams, Strange Dreams. & what I don’t understand, I call them, Other Things. I don’t know if they’re visions, fantasies, hallucinations, premonitions, ESP, psychosis, déjà vu –I simply don’t know, they’re just “other things.” When I wake, I reflect. I stop and think, what & why, & how? What makes it worse is that I overthink everything, so I’m there for a good minute questioning everything, like a Philosophist. They say there are answers to everything, I just need to follow the signs. Well, maybe that’s just the ‘English’ in me. I’m so cliché… They say, seeing is believing, but what about when our eyes begin playing tricks on us. We don’t know what to believe.

It’s all about space, & what we occupy & how we occupy it. It’s all about our self & our being. It’s all about energy. Energy is everything. That black mass & supernatural holes you’re questioning is space, too. Everything matters. It’s time to take a walk on the other side & see if the grass is really greener, or if there’s any grass at all! What I have learned from all this madness, confusion, & assumptions is that Dreams are the universe’s way of speaking to us.

Still

I see you in my nightmares,

I see you in my dreams,

It’s all because,

That thing in between.

Whipped?

You make me sick.

Every day, somehow, I love you less & less,

& because of that,

I hate myself more & more.

I can either let love destroy us,

Or do it all on my own,

Either way,

Someone will be overthrown.

Whenever you’re near,

All my heart does is race,

I hate it when we’re apart,

& all there is is space.

Obsession, fascination, crushing on you:

It’s all the same.

I’m so stupid, so dumb, so lame,

& you,

You have no shame.

For this predicament,

I’m the one to blame.

I’m STILL into you.

Sleepwalking

I woke up, & I was staring at myself in the mirror. I looked at the time. It was 3:41 a.m. The last time I remember anything was around midnight. What was I doing for the last 3 hours?

I woke up, & I was in the kitchen. A butcher knife was in my hand as I was looking into the freezer. I had the door open so long all the meat defrosted; the ice cream melted.

I woke up, & I was in my bed. The cramping of my stomach woke me up. I had too many spices from the Boiling Crab. I told myself I would ease up. I could still smell the garlic on me. I freaked out when I saw muddy footprints on my white carpet. The footprints ended at my bedpost. I looked around to see if I had been robbed, or if someone was hiding. I then turned in fear to the other side of my bed. I flipped over my beige satin sheets. I was scared. I gasped for air. My heart, my black heart raced. Was someone in here? No, it was me who left. My entire bed was covered in soil. My feet were so black. Where did I go?

I woke up, & I was in the car. I was in the garage. My car was running. The heater was on. The music was bumping Aerosmith’s “Dream on.” I looked ready, like I was ready to attend a ball. I even had my bowtie done perfectly.

I woke up, but I wasn’t in my bed. I was on my neighbor’s couch. The house was empty & dark. I didn’t even know how I got there. I remember nothing.

I woke up, & I was in nothing but pain. My body was sore. The first thing that came to mind was that I was coming down with the flu, but when I got up & looked in the mirror, I couldn’t help but scream. I had a fat lip & bruises on my fore & upper arms. I ran to the house alarm, but it was still set. I dropped to the floor in confusion. What the hell is going on with me? I thought. The next morning I woke up. I took a shower & got ready for work. When I opened the hamper to toss my dirty laundry, I dropped my jaw. Then my black heart dropped even further. An entire outfit I don’t remember wearing at all was covered in blood. The clothes were hard; the blood had settled in & dried. I began to panic. I did not kill someone, did I? I ran to my car keys, but they were still there on the hook where I last left them. I ran & looked in the garage. My car had never been moved. I ran to the front door, but the chain was still on there. I have nothing to say. I didn’t want to think it because it might be true, did I kill someone?

I got tired of these strange occurrences of me waking up & not remembering anything. What if I accidently kill someone one day? Am I being haunted? This time I thought it would be a good idea to record me while I sleep. The scary, freaky thing when I played the video back in the morning, I discovered the recording was interrupted. It was me. I first got up to go to the restroom, I think, but then 18 minutes later, I got back up as if my alarm had went off. I smiled at the camera in a freakish, devilish way. It was me, but it didn’t look like me. I remember nothing. I seemed normal. Then I said, “No time for cameras. Some things are better left unanswered.” I then ended the recording. Once again I am back at square on with no clue of what’s going on. Sleepwalking & the night has the best of me.

Permission

Do I have it?

Is it granted?

Should I get something in writing?

Who’s the one being forward?

Let your lips be the signature to seal the deal.

Once I obtain authorization,

I’ll never seek it again.

Does “no” subtly mean “yes”?

Your body & its language is telling me otherwise.

I have to disclose that I’m not liable for any damages,

Especially if you end up falling in love,

Which you just might.

You’re consenting with a clear mind & a clear conscience.

Fuck it! I’m going in.

Lunartics

It’s that time. Time has passed. The dates have changed, just like the creatures of Mother Nature. The weird get weirder, the strange get stranger, the looney get loonier, the bitches get bitchier. I don’t know what it is. No one is themselves; their other self comes out. Are we ever safe? It’s time for the alter ego to get their fifteen minutes of fame. They say the freaks come out at night. Eroticism & naughtiness is at a height, but so are werewolves that hustle & bustle through the wood while owls fly over them. Let’s not forget the disappearing acts & feasting of the flesh the vampires pull. Witches & Warlocks get it on, too. Dinner party anyone? Magician? I’ll never reveal my tricks. It’s because of that circular shape that not only controls peoples’ behavior, but what makes it all the more interesting & strange & peculiar is that it also has an effect on the ocean tides, too. How could something so natural create something so supernatural? I stare at it & wonder. I stare at it & ponder. I stare at it & focus. I simply just stare. It brings so much mystery. Counter to the day; the darkness is the light. Everything is in question now: me, people, life. Come taken me now darkness, come consume me, just don’t cum. At least not in me. I may be easy, but I’m not stupid. I am the ghost that haunts me. I am the crazy. I am the over the top one. I am the fool. I am also my own worst enemy. I am also the genius. I am also the superior. Oh, these strange glimpses of creatures behaving oddly when they think no one is watching [for the record, there’s always someone watching]; the sighting of dark shadows lurking, trying to get recognized; these twists & turns & seeing strange in full throttle, in motion, in reality; the hearing of noises that tamper with my concentration; these crossings of my path. All this means is one thing: It’s a full moon. The moon is full & evil thoughts are running through my twisted mind. Save me, Dionysus, save me from the other me. That white circular shape flustered with craters that illuminates the sky when most think they’re safe & sound snuggled up in the California king-sized beds; it’s that time again.

Few of the Many

I dreamt I went bald.

I dreamt my hair was snowy.

I dreamt I had sex with people I previously had sex with, but for the record, I never missed them, nor their sex.

I dreamt of arguing with “friends” & family.

I dreamt of teeth, even my teeth.

I dreamt I was chasing an owl.

I dreamt of being chased.

I dreamt I was having a dream.

I dreamt I woke up early & got ready for work –& was early.

I dreamt of a mysterious blond.

I dreamt I was arguing, but nothing was coming out of my mouth.

I dreamt I was running toward a building, but the closer I got to the building, the further it got away from me.

I dreamt that I’m always off schedule & running late.

I dreamt that something always seems to get in the way of my plan.

I dreamt the vampire fed.

I dreamt I was the vampire.

I dreamt I was somewhere particular, but it looked completely different from what it really is.

I dreamt of the many that got away.

I dreamt you needed me.

I always dream in color.

e-Blond

Enigmatic person is what you are. I’ve seen you before, I’ve met you before, I’ve heard your musical language. I saw you in my dream. It was a strange dream, like nothing I have ever had before. I was in this wonderland. Everything looked so foreign, but the creatures around me said it was my home. I fell asleep at a bar I crashed, somewhere I had never been before, some random piece of space. I don’t know if the drink I drank was drugged, but all I had was one, & I was out. When we met, in my dream, I was star struck. You lit up the room. Your energy was a force field of its own. It was forceful. Our chemistry was forceful. We were like magnets. I just knew I had to talk to you. I just knew I had to be your friend. I just knew. You’re like this four-leaf clover, so rare. You’re a hidden gem, & you’re one secret I will never share with anyone else. You had my undivided attention. You got me up. The words you spoke, the way you said them, the topic of conversation: unexplainable. I’ve questioned how high your intellect levels are. You’re intimidating. I never wanted to wake up. Everything is such a blur, I might’ve been awake. It was a stage of transcendentalism. What’s real & what’s fake is questionable. But when you uttered the words I heard you say, in reality, that I learned about before I even knew you actually existed, it struck me like a lightning bolt. I was able to put two & two together. I felt the earth rotate. Who are you? Where are you from? Why couldn’t we have met sooner? I wish time could stop so we can spend eternity just talking about… everything: TV, movies, literature, theatrics, travelling, people, love, life. Did you find me, or did I find you?

Dream Journal Entry #004

The one that got away paid me a visit. I could sense in the energy that something wasn’t right. Not many words were exchanged, but it was like so much was being said. My visitor, someone that I used to know, didn’t stay long. Body language is one of the best forms of communication. Call me judgmental, but I can just look at someone & understand everything they’re going through, everything about them. A big problem for me is, no one seems to understand me; the ricochets of being a chameleon. My problem is I’m bad on communicating, & that’s what I was reminded of & that’s why the one that got away got away.

[‘Temptation,’ ‘Still,’ ‘Permission,’ ‘Lunartics,’ & ‘Few of the Many,’ photo courtesy of Chicago Art Museum / taken & edited by Otter Holmes]

I never saw myself as an “educator,” but without a doubt I love teaching people a lesson, especially to those who need to learn. Pardon while I go off cue, like usual, but sadly, the only way some people learn with me is the hard way. OK! Back on cue. I always had an aspiration to teach abroad, not necessarily in the States. I’m glad I had this opportunity, but if there is one thing for sure, nothing is forever or always; The Sun Has Set at Spotlight Sunshine.

In the beginning, I knew what I was doing, but for the most part, I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I guess you can say, I was just going with the flow. LOL. [Like I haven’t been doing that this entire time?!] I had no choice, I had to! I love learning things “along the way” of various adventures because that’s when we really learn. They say hindsight is always 20/20. We’ll never learn how to swim unless we’re picked up and thrown in the deep end. Hence the saying, sink or swim. And because of this trip, opportunity, experience, or what have you, I also learned, and was also slapped, again, that what’s meant to be will be.

I didn’t get much, or any training at all. Like always, I had to figure things out for myself. I got a few pointers and leads here and there, but all it did was lead, and point, me in the wrong direction. Sometimes, not taking advice is the best advice we can get and give ourselves. I did like teaching though because I always had to think on my toes, my creative thinking toes. Those creative, clever thinking toes that has helped mold me into the master manipulator, I mean master-mind I am today. I like to have my own set of rules and way(s) of managing certain things. I just hate taking advice that ends up smacking me in the face. Then I’ll only have myself to blame. A real magician never reveals his secrets. And I also learned, never take advice from an unproductive person, but that’s a whole other story. And no, I’m not a control freak! Not everything is in my control! And sadly, it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but I’m also not the only smart one out there. OK! Enough tangents!

I got to learn some Chinese, Mandarin. I got to learn how the Chinese do business. And sometimes, usually most, I wasn’t sure if they knew what the hell they were doing. I don’t know if it was them, or me, or what, but it would seem like their work-work is what Americans consider “busy work.” And the other times it was like they were chickens running around after their heads were chopped off. There will be blood. Sometimes they would just stand around, and I would think to myself, what the hell are you doing? I could see them thinking in Chinese trying to put things together. I would try not to judge, I would try to be compassionate on their situation. I wasn’t like some, or most, of the foreign teachers who were damn near over the top diva-ish and demanding. Some of the foreign teachers could be really cruel at times to the locals, because they thought they were God sent, and the way the Chinese catered to them didn’t make things any easier. Talk about biting your tongue, holding your lip, and setting yourself up for failure. But for all I know, they were constantly talking shit in their language because they knew the foreigners didn’t know what they were saying. I know I would, and since I’m a fast talker, I got away with some much. They would look at me like, huh?! Don’t take it too personal, Americans think the same thing of me, too! Join the club! And this has nothing to do with the fact that they, the Chinese, have major communication issues, and it has nothing to do with the fact that they know no English, and I know no Chinese. It’s just the way the oatmeal-raisin cookie crumbles. At times, it was like they were just standing around waiting for something, anything, to happen. I would wonder, is this all their life consist of? Standing around? For some it is. The locals are expected to be married and parents by the age of 25, and if you’re not, you’re REALLY working your way to being a useless old hag; their sun has pretty much set. That’s just the way it is. And when I was thinking that, I was feeling like, am I even working? Am I even making a difference? Talk about adaptation.

Living in China I had to adapt to A LOT, but, like I said, The Sun Has Set at Spotlight Sunshine. It’s not something that I really have to be concerned about [anymore] and even more so when I was there. It’s a whole other world out there.

I was only contracted for one term. I always thought my situation was weird, off, and different from everyone else’s, but, that’s just the way it was, and is. I don’t make the rules, I just on occasion follow them. I thought it was in my favor to be obligated to only one term instead of being forced and stuck in a one or more year contract and have the feeling of being stuck. There’s nothing worse than the feeling of entrapment. Oh wait, there is…

I was a little nervous when it came to do assessment a.k.a. finals. I didn’t want to freak the students out, because they get enough of that in regular school, and from their parents. But, I had to make sure they knew something, that they definitely learned something from me, besides the fact that I could make them laugh, and that whatever I taught them stuck and that they understood the meaning. Plus, I didn’t want to go all “Caddy Maddy” or “Mariah Doppleopplous” on them à previous blog, Thoughs whoo Kan;t du teech.

I learned to have appreciation for China, and for the States. The weirdest shit would happen there. People really love America, and some REALLY hope to live here. The natives, most of them, love America more than their homeland, and the funny thing is they’ve never even been to America. And the sad thing is, they’ll more than likely never either. Talk about no way out! And I was scared for never “Leaving Los Angeles.” The place where everyone wants to be because of the weather and beaches that most of those people never go to! Yes, the constant heat. And when it drizzles “a storm is headed” and flash flood signals are everywhere. I did, in China, appreciate the clean air the States has to offer. I swear, I wouldn’t know if it was smog or fog in the sky. It was so low at times, and at the other times the moon and the stars were nowhere in sight. There had to be a minor breeze in order to see the sky at times. Everyone and their masks. In the beginning I was like, is it necessary, but after finding it hard to breathe at times, Yes, it’s necessary. Plus, the way some locals chain smoked. OMFGG! They were just asking to die! Collapsed lung anyone? When the locals would ask how many siblings I had, they were amazed. They then shared that it gets lonely for them. But, now, that’s changing. If you and your partner come from a family of one, you can have two bastard children! Instead of having the government force you to get an abortion or toss your baby in the trash. LOL. I’m kidding! Unless it’s true…? Times are changing! I got to focus on writing. I also created a new writing piece, Strange Dream & Other Things. It’s a series of short writings with inter-connecting themes, anthological, because now-a-days everything is anthological, fucken Ryan Murphy! Soon Strange Dreams & Other Things will make its serial debut.

The Chinese are nice and can be great people, but they are not the best business people, at least the ones I crossed paths with. The businessmen say there’s a lot of business opportunity there, and I KIND OF believe it. Maybe I could find a(nother) job where half the time I’m just doing busy work, standing around looking pretty, and running around like a chicken without its head, AND get my housing paid for AND be drunk all year AND make multiple times more than the locals. It’s very much easy to be drunk all year and have them not know it, just ask a foreign teacher. I hated only a few of the student’s parents. Some of the mothers were like,,, There’s a Chinese saying, “go die.” It’s like, “get the hell out of here!” or “go pound sand!” or in other words, “go fuck off!” and toward the end, I was like, go die! ! !

For the most part, the foreign teachers were mean to the Chinese staff, going back to retrospect, which has become a new favourite word, aside from hindsight. I have to admit, even though I don’t entirely like being mean all the time, at least not anymore because believe it or not people can change! Big CAN! Some of them deserved it. It had to do with communication, and the locals trying to take advantage, on occasion, of the foreigners, pushing their limit, and foreigners feeling so entitled at times, yada yada yada. There was a vicious cycle going on.

It is cheap to live in China. The food is cheap and good. Nearly all the clothes Americans wear is from China, and China has such good fashion. The only things that are costly are imports, and you can’t find everything. I only saw deodorant once or twice? And even then, it was mainly women’s, but shockingly, the locals didn’t really smell, not like the Indians do, and I don’t mean the Native American Indians. Sometimes I see living in China as one extended vacation. Sometimes, it was a little too easy. I think the harder part was being there and being so far away from everything you know. That didn’t bother me though, I wanted to get away. I opted to be there. Some foreigners made it a point to prove. Some of the foreigners really had their own issues going on. China was definitely a good man quest, but like anything and everything, all good things comes to an end. I loved being in China, I did. I found happiness there. Because of who I am, the go getter, and someone who wants so much from life, I could’ve afforded to stay there another term, but I couldn’t be there another year. I didn’t like the company & school I worked for, but I didn’t let that get in the way of my happiness or living, and I knew that if I were to go with another company, which was my other option and almost other move, I would’ve had to sign a one year contract. That was something I would’ve had to do. Them locals wanna secure you and use the shit out of you. I did say it was a vicious cycle, right? Busy work, or not, they still have business to attend to, and if there is one thing about me, I understand that business is business! I’m just glad I got the opportunity to go and experience it. I did meet some great locals, and some of the foreigners were cool. I really liked my assistants. We had some gOOd laughs, and I liked being able to teach them things, too. What we Americans take for granted, the locals appreciated it so much. The simplest things made a difference. I swear, I did humble me, and I did feel humanitarian, but I’m in America now, so I’m over that –JK! I got to experience some of my favourite holidays with them. It was fun seeing everything in Chinese. It was fun seeing how happy some of the locals were. Living in another country: CHECK! It was a tough decision to make coming back to the States because I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. I didn’t wanna be like, should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t acting on impulse. I mean, I wasn’t, and still ain’t homesick, but like I said, I have other things I wanna do in my life, and “Time is running out” –Muse. I have battered fish to fry, and a kickass second Volume to publish. Plus, I can always go back, and I am better prepared for if/ when I do. China was great, but seasons change, people change, interests change, and again, nothing is forever and always. China wasn’t forever. That was never the plan. It’s time for a new venture, time to move on. Time to be the 8^th vagabond I am. The Sun Has Set at Spotlight Sunshine.

It’s been one hell of a year. I feel like I had three different lives! Soooo much has happened. All for the better, as I see it. I had the time of my life in Portland. I fell in LOVE with the city. I met a “Derek” from Seattle while I was promoting my book about a guy named “Derek” from Seattle. The iRONy. I got to be an English nerd and attend the Shakespeare festival. Good ‘ol Pericles! I got to rock out with my professors. That was fun. Ashland, Oregon is such a beautiful city! And speaking of rocking out, I landed a killer internship with the Los Angeles Film Festival. Aside from this year in general, I met sooo many people. I even got to kick it with Courtney Love. Thee Courtney Love! “…When I wake up in my make-up…” She is one down bitch, and I made sure she knew that I thought that of her before we parted. The festival was so cool. All in the heart of DTLA, surrounded by so much talent and history, and really being able to get another side of Hollywood besides living in it. Finishing it lead me to a new favourite hotel of mine, Hotel Figueroa. WHAT A YEAR!

This year also concluded two major marks of my life. My academic one. I can’t believe I FINALLY graduated college. It was such as journey, but I loved it. My department was brutal! Life is one big journey, one big experience, and I am ready to learn anything and everything. College took me a long time. I accomplished a lot during my college years. The other conclusion of a big part of my life was my reign in Hollywood. I love Hollywood. If/ when I moved back to Los Angeles, I wouldn’t mind living there again. I am Hollywood, and regardless of what anyone thinks about it, I FUCKING LOVE IT! I signed off in such a good way!

I think another [major] pink, fluffy elephant in the room that I haven’t brought up is the fact that I not only moved, but I moved to China! Toward the end of it all it happened so fast. I have had the time of my life here. I can’t help but smile every day. I love it here, but I know deep down I won’t be here forever. I’m approaching the end of my stay here, for now. I have other ventures to pursue, I have other land to conquer. I worked a lot on my writing, because of China, and I can confidently say, I have come such a long way. I did the damn thing in Hong Kong. I concluded my second volume, working on my third of The Cubicle Diaries. Being in China gave me inspiration about my next writing piece, Strange Dreams & Other Things. If The Cubicle Diaries gave me the opportunity to exercise my writing skill, Strange Dreams & Other Things gives me the opportunity to live and adapt in another realm of writing.

I cannot whatsoever forget about my life changing event with Stevie Nicks at the Fleetwood Mac “On With The Show” concert. That was the best concert! I definitely saw my “Gypsy.” I also finally got to see “Phantom of the Opera.” Before I was REALLY into the theatre, “Phantom of the Opera” was the first play I wanted to see, and now a decade later, I got to see it! It seems that when I dedicate myself to certain things, I allot about 10 years to really experience them. Oh! I mustn’t forget my ‘blond’ stage. I FINALLY became a blond. I always wanted to do it, and then, I finally did it. I have yet to dye my hair being in China. Once I return to the states, I will go back to being blond. Being blond, as I see it, is an American thing.

I have to say, I am fortunate. But, like Christian Grey, I have noticed that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. Sometimes I can’t help but think, am I satisfied, is this ‘enough.’ And my only thought is, hell fucking no! I STILL have battered fish to fry. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies. I, too, have had major obstacles to overcome; with the good there is the bad. A major pitfall for me was my ongoing transportation issues my last few months in LA. Car trouble in LA, MAKE IT STOP! My fish, Hampton, passed. My God, and Fiona Goode, rest his little corrupted soul. That fish, I swear, had a mind of his own! It was so “story-like” for him to die in the winter. LMFAO. But then again, a lot of my life is “story-like.” I guess you can say there will be no season 2 of Made in China. LMFAO.

Next year marks a whole new era for me. I will enter a whole new platform, a new plateau. My twenties will be over. I can’t wait to see, or maybe I can a little, what the gods have instore for me. I am Dionysus. I know it’s a little “cliché” to do a recap of the year, but sometimes we just got to stop and smell the coffee and take a look at all that we have and appreciate it, and be thankful for the opportunities that come our way. In retrospect, I’m just like, fuck, did that all really happen? Then when I think of all those countless missions, some secret, that I busted. OMFGG! I can’t help but ask myself, do you know yourself? And my only response, more than you know. I have to admit, I even surprise me. I’m like, how did you pull it off? And yes, it’s cliché, but there’s A LOT of truth to clichés. I can’t help but follow them. Aside from all my adventures and successes, I can’t help but stop and think that age-old question, “What’s next?” We should never put a cap on our possibilities. There’s only so much in my control, so what I can control, I must control it well. But, regardless of anything and everything, the one thing that I can say with the most truth behind it is, it’s been one hell of a year.