We’re @ A Bar
We’re at a bar. Space. We’re with a bunch of people. Barely acquaintances, because I would never call them friends. We’re at a bar. Space. We’re with a bunch of people, but the intimacy of our conversation makes it feel like we’re on a date, like no one else is there. I never believed in love at first sight, but this is something different. This feels like a full on erotic attraction. I was ready to fuck. The intellectual energy being shared & conveyed has me thinking, this is the one. I take a sip of my beer, Dragon tail, to liquidize my dry throat from being so nervous. My palms were sweating. It was more like leaking. We started off with space between us, but as our conversation grew more intense, that space grew smaller & smaller, & my arousal stages grew bigger & bigger. It was hot now. I was hot. We’re at a bar, but I started to think we’re the only ones on the planet. I swear I thought we were in outer space. He spoke normally & naturally, but everything seemed of slow motion. I couldn’t stop staring at his mouth, his lips, his half smirk. I wanted to bite his neck like the vampire I am only so I could have him for eternity. He’s more than my dirty little secret. He makes me feel dirty, in the good kind of way. The only thing I thought about was, I’m not leaving this space until I have what I want. Little did I know, he was thinking the exact same thing. I was paying attention, but I was also going in & out of fantasy after fantasy. I only came back to reality when the dumbass, stoned bartender interrupted & offered me another drink, another Dragon tail. I looked up & mad-dawged the bartender. I was in such a daydream that I hadn’t realized my drink did need refreshing. Had I gone through the entire pint? He got my attention, again. “Are you OK?” He asked. “No,” I answered. “What’s the matter?” he responded. The dumb, stoned bartender brought me another Dragon tail. She placed it right in the center of a paper coaster. It was gently & meticulously placed that I took it as a sign that everything was in place, everything was in order, everything was meant to be. I looked up. We locked eyes. I saw a sparkle in them. Is he already a vampire himself? I thought. Then I saw his smirk again. I couldn’t take it anymore. His laugh lines were so attractive. I looked around & the room was almost empty. I blinked. I opened my eyes & the next thing I knew, we were in another space in Space, a private cabana-like room. We’re at a bar. I don’t remember even getting up, but we were up, up in space. He asked me, again, “Are you OK?” His mouth moved slower than it did before. I was hotter than I was before. I was turned on more than before. As I went to open my mouth to respond, he rushed in & kissed me. I was shocked, I was stunned, I was turned on. I didn’t stop him, I reciprocated. We made out. We’re at a bar. Our kissing grew so passionate. I had to stop for air. He then went for my neck and started kissing it, but when I pulled away I realized we weren’t at a bar. I was in my bed. I got up to go to the bathroom. I had to pee. I had too much tail, Dragon tail. I looked in the mirror, because I never pass by a mirror & not look into it. I was startled at what I saw. What I saw was a bite mark on my neck. My neck was perfectly pierced. What the fuck? I thought. I thought, we were at a bar.
Temptation called. & it called, again, & then it called again. I refused to pick it up. The space in between the rings made me want it & you all the more. You didn’t even have to talk, your silence filled me up; no more empty space. I knew, but I played it cool. & within that space of the rings, not only did I grow hotter & more bothered, I had a quick fantasy like nothing I had ever experienced before. I saw the smoke signals in my dilated eyes. I heard the busy tone in my mind echo. I evaded everything, but what caught my attention the most was the direct message of flirtation conveyed. You know how to speak with someone without speaking. You’re all I need & want. & then, the ringer rang louder & of course I picked it up before you hung up & got tired of waiting. I answered, I gave in, I succumbed; you gave me permission. The call didn’t last long, but I sure am happy I answered it. It was short, but it felt like we were together all day & all night. You were a stranger, & I was told never to talk to strangers, but now, we’re more than just friends. Call me.
Strange Dreams & Other Things
I have dreams about my fears, but I don’t call them nightmares. I call them dreams, Strange Dreams. & what I don’t understand, I call them, Other Things. I don’t know if they’re visions, fantasies, hallucinations, premonitions, ESP, psychosis, déjà vu –I simply don’t know, they’re just “other things.” When I wake, I reflect. I stop and think, what & why, & how? What makes it worse is that I overthink everything, so I’m there for a good minute questioning everything, like a Philosophist. They say there are answers to everything, I just need to follow the signs. Well, maybe that’s just the ‘English’ in me. I’m so cliché… They say, seeing is believing, but what about when our eyes begin playing tricks on us. We don’t know what to believe.
It’s all about space, & what we occupy & how we occupy it. It’s all about our self & our being. It’s all about energy. Energy is everything. That black mass & supernatural holes you’re questioning is space, too. Everything matters. It’s time to take a walk on the other side & see if the grass is really greener, or if there’s any grass at all! What I have learned from all this madness, confusion, & assumptions is that Dreams are the universe’s way of speaking to us.
I see you in my nightmares,
I see you in my dreams,
It’s all because,
That thing in between.
You make me sick.
Every day, somehow, I love you less & less,
& because of that,
I hate myself more & more.
I can either let love destroy us,
Or do it all on my own,
Someone will be overthrown.
Whenever you’re near,
All my heart does is race,
I hate it when we’re apart,
& all there is is space.
Obsession, fascination, crushing on you:
It’s all the same.
I’m so stupid, so dumb, so lame,
You have no shame.
For this predicament,
I’m the one to blame.
I’m STILL into you.
I woke up, & I was staring at myself in the mirror. I looked at the time. It was 3:41 a.m. The last time I remember anything was around midnight. What was I doing for the last 3 hours?
I woke up, & I was in the kitchen. A butcher knife was in my hand as I was looking into the freezer. I had the door open so long all the meat defrosted; the ice cream melted.
I woke up, & I was in my bed. The cramping of my stomach woke me up. I had too many spices from the Boiling Crab. I told myself I would ease up. I could still smell the garlic on me. I freaked out when I saw muddy footprints on my white carpet. The footprints ended at my bedpost. I looked around to see if I had been robbed, or if someone was hiding. I then turned in fear to the other side of my bed. I flipped over my beige satin sheets. I was scared. I gasped for air. My heart, my black heart raced. Was someone in here? No, it was me who left. My entire bed was covered in soil. My feet were so black. Where did I go?
I woke up, & I was in the car. I was in the garage. My car was running. The heater was on. The music was bumping Aerosmith’s “Dream on.” I looked ready, like I was ready to attend a ball. I even had my bowtie done perfectly.
I woke up, but I wasn’t in my bed. I was on my neighbor’s couch. The house was empty & dark. I didn’t even know how I got there. I remember nothing.
I woke up, & I was in nothing but pain. My body was sore. The first thing that came to mind was that I was coming down with the flu, but when I got up & looked in the mirror, I couldn’t help but scream. I had a fat lip & bruises on my fore & upper arms. I ran to the house alarm, but it was still set. I dropped to the floor in confusion. What the hell is going on with me? I thought. The next morning I woke up. I took a shower & got ready for work. When I opened the hamper to toss my dirty laundry, I dropped my jaw. Then my black heart dropped even further. An entire outfit I don’t remember wearing at all was covered in blood. The clothes were hard; the blood had settled in & dried. I began to panic. I did not kill someone, did I? I ran to my car keys, but they were still there on the hook where I last left them. I ran & looked in the garage. My car had never been moved. I ran to the front door, but the chain was still on there. I have nothing to say. I didn’t want to think it because it might be true, did I kill someone?
I got tired of these strange occurrences of me waking up & not remembering anything. What if I accidently kill someone one day? Am I being haunted? This time I thought it would be a good idea to record me while I sleep. The scary, freaky thing when I played the video back in the morning, I discovered the recording was interrupted. It was me. I first got up to go to the restroom, I think, but then 18 minutes later, I got back up as if my alarm had went off. I smiled at the camera in a freakish, devilish way. It was me, but it didn’t look like me. I remember nothing. I seemed normal. Then I said, “No time for cameras. Some things are better left unanswered.” I then ended the recording. Once again I am back at square on with no clue of what’s going on. Sleepwalking & the night has the best of me.
Do I have it?
Is it granted?
Should I get something in writing?
Who’s the one being forward?
Let your lips be the signature to seal the deal.
Once I obtain authorization,
I’ll never seek it again.
Does “no” subtly mean “yes”?
Your body & its language is telling me otherwise.
I have to disclose that I’m not liable for any damages,
Especially if you end up falling in love,
Which you just might.
You’re consenting with a clear mind & a clear conscience.
Fuck it! I’m going in.
It’s that time. Time has passed. The dates have changed, just like the creatures of Mother Nature. The weird get weirder, the strange get stranger, the looney get loonier, the bitches get bitchier. I don’t know what it is. No one is themselves; their other self comes out. Are we ever safe? It’s time for the alter ego to get their fifteen minutes of fame. They say the freaks come out at night. Eroticism & naughtiness is at a height, but so are werewolves that hustle & bustle through the wood while owls fly over them. Let’s not forget the disappearing acts & feasting of the flesh the vampires pull. Witches & Warlocks get it on, too. Dinner party anyone? Magician? I’ll never reveal my tricks. It’s because of that circular shape that not only controls peoples’ behavior, but what makes it all the more interesting & strange & peculiar is that it also has an effect on the ocean tides, too. How could something so natural create something so supernatural? I stare at it & wonder. I stare at it & ponder. I stare at it & focus. I simply just stare. It brings so much mystery. Counter to the day; the darkness is the light. Everything is in question now: me, people, life. Come taken me now darkness, come consume me, just don’t cum. At least not in me. I may be easy, but I’m not stupid. I am the ghost that haunts me. I am the crazy. I am the over the top one. I am the fool. I am also my own worst enemy. I am also the genius. I am also the superior. Oh, these strange glimpses of creatures behaving oddly when they think no one is watching [for the record, there’s always someone watching]; the sighting of dark shadows lurking, trying to get recognized; these twists & turns & seeing strange in full throttle, in motion, in reality; the hearing of noises that tamper with my concentration; these crossings of my path. All this means is one thing: It’s a full moon. The moon is full & evil thoughts are running through my twisted mind. Save me, Dionysus, save me from the other me. That white circular shape flustered with craters that illuminates the sky when most think they’re safe & sound snuggled up in the California king-sized beds; it’s that time again.
Few of the Many
I dreamt I went bald.
I dreamt my hair was snowy.
I dreamt I had sex with people I previously had sex with, but for the record, I never missed them, nor their sex.
I dreamt of arguing with “friends” & family.
I dreamt of teeth, even my teeth.
I dreamt I was chasing an owl.
I dreamt of being chased.
I dreamt I was having a dream.
I dreamt I woke up early & got ready for work –& was early.
I dreamt of a mysterious blond.
I dreamt I was arguing, but nothing was coming out of my mouth.
I dreamt I was running toward a building, but the closer I got to the building, the further it got away from me.
I dreamt that I’m always off schedule & running late.
I dreamt that something always seems to get in the way of my plan.
I dreamt the vampire fed.
I dreamt I was the vampire.
I dreamt I was somewhere particular, but it looked completely different from what it really is.
I dreamt of the many that got away.
I dreamt you needed me.
I always dream in color.
Enigmatic person is what you are. I’ve seen you before, I’ve met you before, I’ve heard your musical language. I saw you in my dream. It was a strange dream, like nothing I have ever had before. I was in this wonderland. Everything looked so foreign, but the creatures around me said it was my home. I fell asleep at a bar I crashed, somewhere I had never been before, some random piece of space. I don’t know if the drink I drank was drugged, but all I had was one, & I was out. When we met, in my dream, I was star struck. You lit up the room. Your energy was a force field of its own. It was forceful. Our chemistry was forceful. We were like magnets. I just knew I had to talk to you. I just knew I had to be your friend. I just knew. You’re like this four-leaf clover, so rare. You’re a hidden gem, & you’re one secret I will never share with anyone else. You had my undivided attention. You got me up. The words you spoke, the way you said them, the topic of conversation: unexplainable. I’ve questioned how high your intellect levels are. You’re intimidating. I never wanted to wake up. Everything is such a blur, I might’ve been awake. It was a stage of transcendentalism. What’s real & what’s fake is questionable. But when you uttered the words I heard you say, in reality, that I learned about before I even knew you actually existed, it struck me like a lightning bolt. I was able to put two & two together. I felt the earth rotate. Who are you? Where are you from? Why couldn’t we have met sooner? I wish time could stop so we can spend eternity just talking about… everything: TV, movies, literature, theatrics, travelling, people, love, life. Did you find me, or did I find you?
Dream Journal Entry #004
The one that got away paid me a visit. I could sense in the energy that something wasn’t right. Not many words were exchanged, but it was like so much was being said. My visitor, someone that I used to know, didn’t stay long. Body language is one of the best forms of communication. Call me judgmental, but I can just look at someone & understand everything they’re going through, everything about them. A big problem for me is, no one seems to understand me; the ricochets of being a chameleon. My problem is I’m bad on communicating, & that’s what I was reminded of & that’s why the one that got away got away.
[‘Temptation,’ ‘Still,’ ‘Permission,’ ‘Lunartics,’ & ‘Few of the Many,’ photo courtesy of Chicago Art Museum / taken & edited by Otter Holmes]