Strange Dreams & Other Things [Serial 2]

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Brown & Down

Brown & Down

Aunt Flow was in town, but that didn’t stop her.

She rode that pony like a bat out of hell.

All she cared about was getting to her destination, her finish line, her endpoint.

She was pretty,

She was well put together,

She had good brain.

She was energetic,

She sucked the life out of me.

She was an alien from outer space.

She cracked the codes no one could decipher.

She had goals,

She had dreams,

She had attitude,

She was something I had never seen.

She was mean,

She was nice,

She was sugar;

&

She was spice.

She had stamina,

She had drive,

She was a trooper,

She was the queen bee with more than one bee hive.

She knew what she wanted,

She always sealed the deal.

She was hungry,

She was thirsty.

She was also broken, damaged;

She had issues.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Send me someone, I’m lonely. All this space around me is caving in. I’m about to be sucked into a black hole. I’m lonely, scared, confused; I don’t know what to do. I need someone to talk to, someone I don’t know, someone who won’t judge me, someone who will like me for who & what I am. I can’t dream anymore, I only nightmare. When I do do what I think is dream, they’re strange to me because I am happy. But, when I wake up I am sad. Because of that, all I do want to try & do is sleep. I’m scared, & I can’t share this with anyone else. Dear diary, you are all I have, but I need something else, something more, some other body; another pair of ears. Don’t send me a therapist, don’t send me a psychologist, don’t send me a psychiatrist. Send me someone without a license, send me someone who will only give me advice if I ask for it; send me someone real. I’ll never admit it, but I do need advice, I do need guidance, I do need support, I do need help. I’m depressed, I’m vulnerable, I’m hungry for love. Dear diary, send them, & send them soon.

Dream Journal Entry #112

#112

It happened again. I know I sound paranoid, but I think all these strange dreams mean something. I think they mean someone is out to get me, that someone is chasing after me, & maybe that we have some unfinished business. Whomever this “we” is. I wonder if it’s because I know so much. I think someone might want me dead for something they shared with me. This time, supernatural took a turn for the crazier.

I was babysitting 6 kids. I was at a barbeque at a big, white two story house. This house had a big pool. The neighbor raised crocodiles. I went to say ”hi” to a friend who arrived, & when we got closer to each other, I noticed there was a big crocodile on the short wall ready to leap over & attack us, or maybe more so me. She screamed, & fell face first, smack! Right on the pavement, with her child in her arms. I was in a dream, but the sound was so vivid. I got scared. I looked up & saw the breeder standing there doing nothing but watching me. He was also flanked by 5 other crocodiles. I ran. Fight or flight kicked it. There was no way I was going to fight. I’m not Peter Pan. I age, & I’m OK with that. I am human, right? The crocodile hopped over the short wall, like I knew it would & dove into the pool, & started to chase after me. As I ran, the crocodile grew bigger. I got a glimpse at its big, yellowish-greenish eyes, slits of black were in the middle. It chased me, only me, all around the house. I was able to dodge the crocodile. It destroyed the entire first level of the house. Everyone else at the barbeque saved the children. Then, I tried to make an exit. The crocodile was on a rampage. It was out to get me & only me. Then I saw someone hiding. As I went to grab the hand for help, this creature snapped at me. It looked like a man in a hooded jacket, but when I got a better glimpse at him, he looked half crocodile & half human. His eyes were distinct. Another foe disguised as a friend? I think so. Quickly he ran away. I tried again for an exit. This time I ran to the neighbor’s house across the street. I thought I could be safe there. There I had no help either. Soon the crocodiles tried me there, too. But there, they had more help. I walked into a room. It was like a fortune teller room. I thought a séance was going on. The only thought I had was that I was going to be sacrificed. I turned & saw a grim reaper statue right before my face. It was a fortune teller. It said, “Ask me anything & I will tell you.” I asked, “Is someone chasing after me?” His response was one word, one word I only had to hear, and fear, “Ab-so-lutely.” His word was more stressed than I was. I could feel my body trying to wake up but it was paralyzed. Then, I was cornered. There was now actual people after me. It was a him, a demonic-like him. I turned & saw a window. I didn’t think twice. I couldn’t. I hopped out of the window. Only before I made an exit did I cut my arm on some broken glass in the window pane; the pane caused me pain. When I got on the other side, I fell to the floor. Hard. I got up dazed, but when I looked up, I was awake in my room. The strange this is, when I looked at my arm, I saw a cut on it.

Dream Journal Entry #6664

#6664

He’s after me, again. The Clown Killer. This time I was at someone’s house in the boonies. There were pine trees everywhere. If it weren’t for that built-in brick barbeque in the backyard, I wouldn’t be alive; I would’ve never been saved. Someone is chasing after me, I think we have some unfinished business. I remember I was in my pajamas. I was very young at the time. I got a better look at him this time. He was gruesome. I remember hearing my own scream in my sleep. I tried to wake up & move, but my body was paralyzed. I was numb. It became harder for me to scream in my sleep, in reality. This nightmare was very similar to the annual Freddy Krueger ones I get. Freddy only comes after me once a year. Once way too many. This mother fucker was after me. He wants me. He no longer just wants me, he wants my flesh. It’s as if I owe him something. I hope my parents didn’t make a deal with the devil & promise him their first born. I don’t know… It’s strange, but I have to admit, stranger things have happened.

HIPPO-crite

HIPPO-crite

I had a dream I had a friend.
It turns out that friend was nothing more than just a foe.
He was always so envious of me, like the fucken hater he is,

& every time I hooked up & he didn’t,

I was always seen as nothing but a hoe.
As time went on,

As time told more,
I realized,
This mother fucker has got to go.
As always,

Hindsight is 20/20.
Now I see he’s nothing more but a crite, with a prefix of hippo.

Let it go? No, let me flow.

All this “friend” was is a sham.

OK, & maybe too a ham.

Then, I realized it was all nothing more than a nightmare.

They say misery loves company, & I couldn’t help but realize how much this “friend” wanted me around.

Now, I’m switching it up…

You may have been reluctant to trust me, & aside from that, no one in general. Touché! Are you really that damaged & scarred? Thank you for reminding me the human mind is so loose, & is capable of changing multiple times throughout the day. I REALLY needed that refresher. Thank you for reminding me that there are such things as haters out there, even your “close” friends.

The place you provided me to stay only reflected you: hollow, empty, nothing (going on); simply a reflection of whom you really are. Didn’t I mention sad and lame? Oh wait, I just did.

You’re so sad you should get a “Happy Meal” –from Subway. No, Double Quarter Pounders with extra cheese don’t come in Mighty Kids meals either.

MISS-ter I’m so loyal, I’m so trustworthy, I’m such a good person. The only things you’re good at is being a bitch. The only thing I take your word for now is which local buffet to hit up.

Cynical. What is real about you? You’re a hater to everyone, not just me.

I get you’re frustrated, but I don’t control the sadness of your sad little life, so don’t take it out on me. Oh wait, you already did that –multiple times. I didn’t wanna bring drama, but you provoked it. For some strange reason, you wanted me to bring it. You tried anything you could to point the finger. All so you could thrive off of me

When I realized all you were & are jealous me, it helped realized you not only love living through me, you actually want to be me. Always competing & shit. We know who’s gonna win. Why would you set yourself up for failure? OH WAIT! To try & make me look bad to anyone you talk to about me behind my back. & yes, you do that. Single, off-white male…

Don’t you know jealousy is an evil thing? If you want something, go out & get it instead of trying to have everything I have, or better yet, everyone who wants me. Get your lazy ass up & do something. You were always jealous when people glanced at me that you were obviously staring down, checking out.

Miss-ter I should’ve trusted my gut feeling. Fuck, talk about lying to yourself. That’s a lot of lying! Your ENTIRE gut? I wouldn’t trust me either anymore. Talk about self-manipulation, or being pathological. Maybe you secretly hate yourself like you publically hate me (now)?

Even if you traced my hobbies, which you have, you’d still be bored! We both really know who the better person is. & we both know who the “bigger” person is.

Let the ghetto come out in me. I’ll win there, too. I came from the land of make believe & “fake people” remember? You remind anyone you can. I didn’t know I was going to end up befriending one. You had your plan the entire time. That reminds me… It was me who took care of you first. But you must’ve forgot that becoming senile & all. Now that we’re on your turf you wanna play hardball? I’ll beat you at that, too. Go get you cup! Oh wait…

You did me a favor? I’m just assuming things? Don’t get it twisted, I have dignity. I don’t demand things like a certain someone I know. The only favor you did me was refresh my memory how one shouldn’t be trusted. But apparently I’m the one who can’t get trusted, right? I don’t ever recall giving you a reason. You on the other hand have given me multiple. Get over yourself! I’ll say it, again, I’m over you! Sadly, I trusted in you. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. But I don’t doubt myself nor hate myself for that mistake. Everything is a learning experience, even the bad one confiding in you.

You have the nerve to say I need to make up my mind on life? At least I know where I’m going, at least I have check marks on my to-do list. I’m not the wishing thinking couch potato. We both know when I want something I go out & get it. Keep chasing your tail with your tales.

You’re over it, I’m OVER YOU! Anal ass! No wonder you ain’t got no one.

You started the fire. Caught red handed with the gas & matches, yet it was everyone else sparking up the drama. Get it together! ! ! What is it?!? What it is is something new with you every-fucken-day.

Not only do BITCHES make me bust! People who swear they have it together make me bust.

Who charges an arm & a leg for a fingernail & a hand me down?

I’ve only just begun…

All you are is my shadow yet you still want the spotlight. We know you long for my minimal. I’m tired of being your compass. You lost un-little soul.

Throwing shade? You mean the shade you create?

If it weren’t for me you’d still be searching for guidance in a society you’ve been living longer in.

Fronting like you got shit going on. All you got is shit actually going on.

But don’t get it twisted. I’m not talking shit about you… (But ultimately this is all about you).

Sound familiar? It should. It came straight from the horse’s mouth.

We’ll see how much style & flow you have without me, or better yet, where you won’t go. There ain’t no love lost. Just drama lost. Fucken hater. Washed up. You were actually never even wet, so I take that back. You know all about taking things back, especially your words. But wait, you probably forgot that, too!

You know nothing about the deep end. You won’t even swim in the shallow with floaties, & they say the heavy things float first. All you do is sink! & you stink!

Bitch.

You’re a bad dream. A nightmare to yourself. Wake up! Your strangeness is real. & that’s why I made it clear: you’re nothing. You made me hate you, & now, take it. You started the war. But remember, in case you forgot, because you probably did with all that nothingness going on, I only fight battles I can win. So unless you’re going to crash into me, stay in your own lane. Go back on your comfy little seat you don’t like straying far from, benchwarmer. Literally.

I wanted a friend, & because of whom you are, you got an enemy. Time told me all I needed to know. Don’t get it twisted, there ain’t no pigs blood on my hands.

You wanted your 15 mins of fame via my writing, well here you go. Be careful what you wish for.

B is for bitch, because that’s your role in this ordeal.
I is for the itch you should’ve scratched. You should’ve listened to your Intuition. I, on the other hand, should’ve listened to mine & your other friend who was more willing to tell the truth before I was.
T is for truly yours, “Xo Xo.” Oh wait, you got that from me, too. T also stands for taking your frustrations out on me, because that’s pretty much what you did, especially towards the end. It’s not my fault you are the way you are. News for the wise, fortune’s wheel never spins in our favor. You know. You thrived when it wasn’t in mine.
C is for childish, Mr. “Grown up.” Mr. I’ve kept my end of the bargain. OK!?! You went against everything you said. You must’ve slipped on all my honesty. Because of you I learned maybe honesty isn’t the best policy. I always tried to be truthful, but because you are who you are, you turned to cynicism first. You’re so Contradicting with your Confusing, Cynical self. Who does & says half the things you say & do? You could be an “asshole?” I’ll show you a bitch. Starting a fight over the smallest things, even a mailbox. What does that? Wait, an anal bitch like you.
H is for how could I? How could you? Hag.
This all makes sense because all problems begin with a P.

Flubber, blubber, you make Spongebob Square Pants look round. Remember, I didn’t start this. You did. & I won’t stop until I’m ready. I’m just about there. You rattled the cage. You woke the beast. You can’t stand the heat. & I know it’s hard but stay out of the kitchen. With your dirty ass kitchen.

& everything is through your eyes. Check your bifocals, grandma. I’m not responsible or reliable for your bitterness, or the fact that you’re bored with your lame self. Go ahead, complain & bitch. As of lately I’ve noticed that’s all you do.

As this journey concludes,

I had no choice but to allude,

It’s all because of your attitude.

C’mon dude!

Now, time for other ventures,

Time to move on,

Thank you for getting out of my life,

Winter is over,

No more bad mares of nights.

Idiot

Idiot

Let my credit cards go into default even though I had the money to pay them;

Drive without auto insurance on my new car;

Accidently leave a knife in my luggage & get caught with it at LAX;

Not have health insurance even though Obama told me to;

Rock Padres gear at a Dodgers versus Giants game;

Drink decaffeinated coffee with hopes to stay up all night;

Drive while drunk;

Argue with a deaf person;

Lie under oath;

Have sex with strangers;

Have sex with strangers unprotected;

Shoplift at Target;

Get fired to get unemployment, & then get denied for unemployment;

Believe I can be the next God;

Sell my soul to the devil;

Lie on my taxes;

J-walk in front of an LAPD officer;

“Forget” to add insurance on my new iPhone;

Text & drive while hitting 90 on the freeway;

Trust known untrustworthy people;

Believe acid wash jeans were back in;

Travel with no money;

Believe everything on the internet;

But the most idiotic thing I did-

Fall for you.

Out of My Control

Out of My Control

This bottle: out of my control

The blackouts: out of my control

The emptiness inside me: out of my control

I can’t seem to love myself: out of my control

My life: out of my control

Peener Mcgee

Peener Mcgee

Some say tall, some say long. Clean with the right cuts, very attractive; there’s enough meat on you. Been places? Yes. Some clean, some dirty, & sometimes the locations traveled always look too familiar. The smell of you is aromatic. The taste of you is flavourful. You look good snuggled up, but you look better when you’re up and extended. The travel time is always fluctuating, it’s just a matter of enjoying the ride, or wanting to get to the destination already, but regardless you’re fun, & I always enjoy a good ride. You like to dream, yes you do, you have a mind of your own, & appetites to feed. Everything about you is a fantasy, & sometimes you can be a bitch & hold out. You have an attitude of your own. There’s no containing you, you have a mind of your own. I swear you’re a character of your own. You have me, Peener, you do. There’s never a dull moment with you. I don’t want to share you with anyone, I want you all for myself. You always have me coming back for more. Peener Mcgee, I have fallen for thee.

Unfinished Business

Unfinished Business

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me, we have unfinished business.

Someone is chasing me.

[‘Dear Diary,’ ‘Dream Journal Entry #6664,’ & ‘Out of My Control,’ photo courtesy of Chicago Art Museum / taken & edited by Otter Holmes]

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