What Else Did She Say?
They say some things are better left unsaid, but what else did she say? I knew she wasn’t done, she never is. I’m a nightmare, you’re a nightmare, this is all one bad dream? She needs to accept the fact that it’s over, you’ve moved on, & you’re with someone who makes you happier. This is not my fault. I can only be accountable for the fact that you fell for me. It’s too hard to stop the thing we started. She had her reign, but everyone know every now & then a good queen is always overthrown. Call me selfish, but we both know it’s just easier to call it off with her. She had her fun, she should’ve enjoyed her time, but everyone knows every song always ends.
The Sun Has Set At Spotlight Sunshine
The Sun has set at Spotlight Sunshine. No more strolling down the pond. No more gazing at the towers in the smog infested sky. No more seeing the happy little bastard children play. Veni Vidi Vici. G18-1309 was where the comfort was. All the black magic of an evil witch bitch by the name of “Schowhaar” resided in G4. Schowhaar was mean & evil; ugly on the inside & out. Vulnerable & empty; insecure at the highest peak one could be. Schowhaar reeked of spices & death. Her stench fumigated goodness and whiteness. Schowhaar was all for show. Her show was a no go. She had no one fooled. Everyone knew Schowhaar’s games. The little trolls only played with her to keep her quiet. No one loved Shcowhaar, not even herself. No one liked Schowhaar like the way everyone else loved the handsome city boy. The handsome city boy saw straight through Schowhaar. He would always tell the trolls he had seen her kind before, & that everyone should be cautious of her, stay very clear of her. The trolls agreed, but they told the handsome city boy they had to abide by their headmaster’s rules & make nice with Schowhaar. Otherwise, Schowhaar would summon a hurricane that would wipe out all the towers, the pond, the children, the sunlight. Schowhaar really liked the handsome city boy, but he never gave into her. His guard was as hard as iron steel. He was a brave man. Schowhaar couldn’t take it one day. After an overflowing of tears & screaming to herself in her G4 tower, worrying and scaring the shit out of everyone around her, Schowhaar decided to take matters into her own control. One day Schowhaar poisoned the handsome city boy’s raspberry tea & took him back to her G4 tower. No one knows what happened that day, not even the handsome city boy. He was never the same again. Things began to get dark for the handsome city boy. He was only half there at best. It was something strange. It was as if the life was sucked out of him. The only thing the city handsome boy said from now on was, “The Sun has set at Spotlight Sunshine.”
Your effects affect me. Is it love, or is it lust? I think I’m way past the infatuation stage. I think I’m damn near in love with you. I’m more into you than I am into my partner; the one I thought who only mattered. I dreamt one day I would meet you, but I was in denial, thinking it was too good to be true & here you are, in the flesh. Pinch me if I’m not awake, but wait, don’t pinch me at all, because if this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up. Waking up would be my nightmare. You have me starstruckt. Yes, with a ‘t’ because it’s nothing like I’ve ever felt or seen before, but what’s even bigger is that ‘k’. Oh that ‘k’… Maybe even that ‘c’ too. You have me trying to fit a squares into circular holes. You’re my soulmate, I know it. You’re like this supermodel, you’re like this celebrity, you’re like this god. Fucken Dionysus. I want pictures of you all over my personal space, so whenever I dwell that maybe you were just this short-lived fantasy I can recall the fact that you are real, at least to me you are; you’re my four-leaf clover.
Space is the place that brought us together.
Space is the place that separated us.
Is it possible to break up in the same place we met?
They say everything comes full circle, but all you are is a circular shape full of black mass.
Don’t just give me my space, get the fuck out of my face.
Today, I woke up & thought, what the fuck is the purpose of today? Oh yeah, I have to make people smile & laugh, while I live alone, lonely, isolated. I’m tried. I’m tired of wearing this façade. It’s like I’m sleepwalking, but this isn’t a dream, it’s a nightmare; this is reality, this is the real deal. I realized the saying, like all of them, is true, “No one cares when the tears of a clown fall down.”
I woke up this morning & all I did was mourn. & then I said, “Self I said, good mourning.” What was the purpose of waking up? What is it?!
I woke up this morning & I wanted to die. I wanted to go back where I was, in a deep slumber. It’s strange because I haven’t felt sad or depressed in a long time, & when I did this time, it felt like normalcy to me. In my sleep I walked & walked. I had no idea where I was going. I was on another mission; another mission to conquer the impossible. But what is the impossible? What is the meaning of all this?
I woke up this morning & thought, what is the purpose of all this? What am I living for? I’m tired of looking & wanting answers.
In my nightmare, because it wasn’t a dream, despite the fact that they always say, “It was just a dream…” I got tired of walking. So, I decided to run. I was in search for answers & I thought that maybe if I ran I would get to them sooner. But where was I headed to now? It’s something I can’t even understand. I didn’t even have breath to breathe, but I still ran. The more I ran, the more the finish line ran from me. Sometimes, when I’m wide awake & dreaming, I think, is this reality, or am I just a functional sleepwalker? Being a zombie would make me feel like a celebrity at the moment.
I’m a functional sleepwalker. I don’t seem to know the difference between reality & fiction. That’s one of my many problems. I don’t know about this thing called “life,” or that thing called “reality.” I’m too sick of living in fiction & day dreaming. I’m yearning for eternal sleep. That seems like the only solution, the only resolution. Maybe then all the bad dreams will go away. I’ll be all dreamed out. But whatever it is, whatever is really going on that I can’t explain, because I don’t know, you should never wake a sleepwalker.
Eruption [& You!]
Here we fucken go! Another day at this place; another pointless meeting; another waste of time; another loss of my hearing. Fuck, get me out of my contract already. I can’t stand anyone! All these people are so full of it. I got this dumb fuck, & that dumb fuck; here a dumb fuck, there a dumb fuck! I’m surrounded by dumb fucks! & speaking of the devil… literally. Here comes this bitch. Fucken fake Christian! The thought of you gives me a doe-doe. I can’t stand you, or that stupid face of yours you color with bright make-up. No one looks at you so stop! Full of shit? Yes, you are! You’re all bark & no bite, dumb bitch! That’s you. Over the top fake. Fucken alcoholic, always at work drunk. Fucken knock-off with your knock-offs, yet you feel like a knock out! An understatement? You’re not a hypocrite, you’re a hippo-crite! With your stupid laugh. Go blow your nose! Fucken brat! Overgrown baby! It’s always about you, so you think it is. Thinking you got class & an ass. All you are is an ass! People only talk about you to talk shit about you. Enough with all the perfume you pack on by the gallon. Insecure much? Go home already! Go die!
“Um, Lucas, hello!?! Are you there? We’re supposed to be in meeting. Can you please act like you’re paying attention? It’s always something with you!”
“You know what? I’m tired of acting, & I’m tired of you & these stupid fucking meetings! You pathetic boss! You whore-able boss! You uneducated bitch! My minimal is your accelerated! I’ve had it! I’ve had it with all of you! Especially you!
& you! You say you’re a vegetarian animal lover, but you sure love those leather goods! Fucken pushover. How many cliffs have you seen? Fucken weakass. Has anyone said you look like a squirrel? Miss “I’m a strong person…” You’re about as strong as an ant, & not even a fire ant! Go die! Seriously.
Great! In walks the next bitch. & you! Let me guess, another complaint out of your filthy, nasty mouth? Shut it, please, just shut it! Go home already! Seriously! & when you finally get over the pond, go die! Fucken hag. Overgrown baby #2. Go with your frienemy. I bet you guys hate each other so much because you guys hooked up. Do the world, & your co-workers a favor, do die!
& you! Tell me you love me already. Your eyes do every day. Your eyes also tell my crotch when you automatically look at it before you make eye contact with me. FYI: wrong eye! It’s one thing being high maintenance, but seriously, who do you think you are?!? What are you going to do? Just walk away? In fact, please runaway!
& you! Tell me you hate me already so we can duke it out. Put your fucken hair back because I’m ready to fight a bitch! Don’t look at me!
& you! Whose dick did you suck to get here?
& you! You better be careful because when bitches hate, you fuck their man! & you’re long overdue! & not only are you a hater, your man is sending me smoke signals. You with that penis head shaped head of yours! You’re just as bad as your pushover frienemy! Go die! Talk about I’m a good person… You’re a good person to step on! Easy target. You’re as corrupted & fake as the people you talk shit about! In case you haven’t notice, your man don’t want you! I know you’re desperate, but how desperate are you? Stupid bitch!
& you! Can you be anymore all up on me?!? I’m just waiting for you to rush me.
& you! You better stay clear of me when you’re drunk because after I’m done with you you’ll want to marry me. You’ll leave the one you’re with in heartbeat! I get we all need someone, but it’s obvious you’re not happy! I see the way you give me those eyes!
& you! You’re sorry that’s what you are. Talk about hiring anyone to take up space. You waste of company money!
& you! How old are you again? You’re gonna be 90 still living at home, afraid to come home after dark!
& you! I like you, literally, let’s just go get it on already –again. Talk about duplicity!
& you! You’re freaky looking & weird.
& you! Not only are you stupid, you’re fat! You’re so fat your kankles can’t even hold you down, or up rather! Fucken old maid! For the record, no one takes you serious! It’s time to ease up on work & focus on getting a man & if you can’t get a man, get a woman! Stupid Fat Bitch! Go have a sausage! Fucken porker!
& you! You’re so insecure & naïve, you’ll believe anything, even the poor see you as a charity case. Stupid bitch!
& you! I don’t know who’s dumber? The people you rip off, or the people you “lead”?
& you! GO DIE! ! !
& you! Oh you… you down for dinner? And maybe dessert? Wink, wink. I see the way you look at me.
& you! Oh God! I know you have a disease by now, probably even three! & BTW, I know you know you’re fucking obnoxious! Pretend you’re always in a library, will you?
Fuck you all! I’m out of this bitch! Peace bitches!”
Oh my God! I can’t believe that just happened! I feel relieved! & I thought working at that twisted, corrupted mergers & acquisitions firm was an experience from hell. Free at fucken last! Later bitches! They’re seriously lucky I didn’t go postal. I hope I got through to them.
Dream Journal entry #1187
Last night’s dream was a weird one. Lately that’s all they’ve been. The strangest things have been happening to me in my sleep. I had a dream I was at work, but work didn’t look like work. I was in a high rise in downtown. I was talking with my co-worker, sipping coffee & flirting. Then, all of a sudden a tsunami hit. Luckily for me it struck right when I was at the higher levels of the building. I felt the building shift. It was like a sonic boom. Everyone around me screamed, even the grown men. The building started turning in a spiral. I ran for dear life. I ran to the roof. I was almost there, I almost reached the top. I hurried for safety from the flooding building. I was hoping my superpowers would kick in so I could be like Spiderman & jump from building to building. Just as I reached for the doorknob to the exit, my alarm clock went off.
Dream Journal Entry #13
I was restless. Then, somehow, I knocked out. I hated it because right before it was time to get up, I knocked out. But in the few minutes of actual sleep, I was able to dream. I thought it was off, but since I moved locations, I’ve had the strangest things happen to me, especially in my dreams. In this dream I was hiking. I reached the mountaintop. I saw valleys, hills, the whole city. Then, out of nowhere, I started running. Just as I was about to reach the cliff, I jumped. Out of nowhere I had the ability to fly. It was like I was swimming in the air. I could feel my body work & flex itself. I turned around, & out of all things, I saw Grimace, Birdie, & Ronald McDonald joining me. We were all airborne. The strange things was, this wasn’t the first time I dreamt of flying. Another time I was at a theme park, & as the roller coaster came to a loop, the cart went off the rails. It started gliding into the air. I jumped out & started flying myself. When I felt like I was coming down, I found somewhere to land quickly & safely. As I was about to hit the ground, I bounced like I was on a trampoline back into the air. What does this all mean?
Here it is, I’m signing off & signing my name one last time. I can’t take it anymore. All my dreams have become nothing but nightmares. I’m ready. This is something I’ve wanted for a very long time, but I was always too scared. I’m no longer broken, I’m shattered. Outer space is calling me, & this is one call I cannot miss. I could just up & leave, but I don’t want anyone looking for me. All along no one has seemed to care, & now that I’ll be gone, they will? Burn me, don’t cremate me. Scatter me all over the sea. Feed me to the sharks, not the poor seagulls. Donate my belongings. Here are my credit cards & PIN numbers, so I can pay for my funeral. If we ever meet again, I don’t want to have to worry about paying anyone back, or even giving a ‘thank you’. Goodbye, good riddance, good luck; go die.
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
When I want you in my arms
When I want you & all your charms
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
[‘Death Note,’ ‘Starstruckt,’ & ‘What Else Did She Say?,’ photo courtesy of Chicago Art Museum / ‘Dream Journal Entry #1187’ photo courtesy of The Last Bookstore / ‘Dream Journal Entry #13’ photo courtesy of Norton Simon Museum / all photos taken & edited by Otter Holmes / contains lyrics of ‘Dream’ by Everly Bros.]