They say we can’t love someone until we love our self. I’m thinking, my problem is that I can’t love anyone else because I’m so in love with myself.

When I go on Instagram, I don’t look at other people’s photos, I stay and browse through my pics only. I like all my pics posted.

When I get a glimpse of myself in the looking glass, I want to run to it and make out with it; I always stop and stare.

I only drink champagne and wine off the finest vines.

I only eat at places that serve food on oversized plates in undersized portions with a pricey price attached to it.

I argue with myself, but it is I who wins, every time.

Beauty and Brains: I have it all, I am a winner.

I don’t care who I hurt or offend, every man for himself. Someone will care for me no matter what I do. I’ll always have that dumb bitch, or stupid mother fucker to blow over and have come back to me.

Despite the fact there’s seven billion people in the world, it’s still about me.

Window shopping is my favourite thing to do, mainly because I constantly get to see my reflection. It has nothing to do with the fact that I like spending other people’s money and not mine. I wonder how much I cost. Well, since I’m me, I’m priceless. Who cares about the inside, everyone knows it’s the outside that matters.

When I return to the looking glass, from just a few moments prior, I look more youthful than I did before.

I love me. I am all that with a bag of Frito-Lays and a Diet Coke.

No one will ever be good enough for me.

No one.

I purposely pull up right next to people at the stop light. Not to check them out, or see who they are, because I could care less about them, I do it to watch them check me out as I check myself out in the rearview mirror, until the next intersection of course.

No one matters to me. Every man for himself. I’m not selfish, I care how others feel–about me, of course!

I don’t care who I hurt or offend.

Hold up! Let me take a selfie. Time for a Facebook update! And when people ask me questions, I leave them hanging as if I never saw it. Just as long as I get those likes, but I’ll never like any of their posts.

I can’t wait to go on vacation and do nothing but post pics about me! Thank God for social media! It’s such a way for all my fans and haters to follow me. God, why do I have so many haters. Oh, wait, I’m me!

My life is soooooo great! Everyone should be jealous of me.

If I wasn’t me [GASP!] I’d be jealous of me.

“All About Eve”…. Shit! I am Adam and I am Eve. Fuck Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! Who the fuck is she? It’s all about me, me, me. I love me. I swear, if I was not me, I’d date me. My bodily fluids should be frozen and turned into some sort of serum or cure for hideousness. I would love to have children, but I don’t want to because they might overshadow me. Then what? I’m going to be like everyone else? Ha!

God, everything I do is so great!

I don’t care who I hurt or bother or annoy. Get off my ass, out of my lane, out of my way, and away from my territory.

Everyone just hates on me! I’m too good for them anyways. I’ll come around and make nice when I’m feeling sad and lonely, after the party is over, just so they can kick me back up and then we’ll do it all over again and act like friends in a few months. They’re the fake ones, not me.

Time for another selfie! So much has happened. This time I won’t smile, so people can think something is wrong and ask me questions I will ignore so I can look busy and sought after. Or should I suck in my cheeks and pucker a little to make it look like I had plastic surgery. I would never get plaster surgery. Why would I have to? I’ll just pretend so people can ask me though. Plus, I can make my face look thinner and have my collar bone stick out. My next self will be on me working out so I can get more publicity. Little do they know it is all a show, and of course I’m the star. I would not have it any other way.

I don’t care who I hurt or offend. If someone is in my way, oh well! I feel sorry for them. The top only sits one, and that is reserved for me. They’ll forgive me one day, because I am me, of course, beautiful ‘ol me.

God, I make so much money! I have so much to show for. I make so much more than them, all of them. I mean, just look at all my selfies and posts! That reminds me, I need another food post. Those idiot followers of mine love food posts. Stupid fatasses. I have the best style, but the key is to make it look au natural. Look at alllll the places I’ve gone. No one around me has done such things. Look at all the places I represent! They’ll never go where I’ve gone. Never. And every time I go on vacation I make it a known fact! My pictures are worth more than a thousand words! My minimum is a million. And I’ll keep posting my pics to not only overrate my life, but so those who didn’t like my post will.

I am so glamourous. I am the star and everyone is just extras, non-union extras.

No one knows this, but I love saying “I’m broke” so people can beg me to hang out with them, and more so that they can pay for me.

Fuck man! These stupid people keep calling me! What do they want!?! “I need advice…” WTF!?! Who am I? A god damn psychiatrist?!? I’ll just send a text later saying, “What’s up?” But before I do anything, let me drop everything right now and change my profile pics first though.

I don’t give a fuck who I hurt, or what I say! The ball is always in my court. I always have the upper hand. Everyone is considered “the help”.

Bad blood? My hot body is full of it. The only thing I care about is my pride. I’ll never admit I am wrong, and I will never apologize for anything. People will always succumb to me before I to them.

Burn a bridge? Nothing new! I’ll just go somewhere where people don’t know me, put on my best show as the star, and have them wanting more! All so I can get what I want, because that’s all that really matters, me and what I want! They’ll cater to me in no time! Just watch! They always do! I’ll have personal assistants everywhere in no time! I’m so subtle and clever at hiding things no one will ever catch on to me. I’m smarter! And smoother! And better! —at everything!

Shame? Of course I have none, but I don’t let anyone know that.

Me: I’m not cocky, I’m confident; I’m assured! God pulled out all the stops with me. My good looks and sense of style! God! The term “OMG” was derived from someone laying eyes on me. I’m turned on already! I have the slightest idea what an insecurity feels like. Why would I!?! I mean, just look at me, I’m me.

Oh, look! Another mirror…

The event I attended wasn’t mandatory,

but I was obliged to go.

I put all my shyness aside,

Oh had I known I was in for a ride!

Mixing, mingling, sweets galore,

This was the reward

for some of my chores.

Strangers to colleagues, colleagues to friends,

Ongoing conversations, conversations not ready to end.

Suggestions made,

Decisions paid

Then the name

Made nothing the same.

Oakwood everywhere,

For the first few minutes,

I did nothing but stare.

The oversized vintage mirrors,

the deep red paint,

the low lighting,

the songs she sang.

Dreams are meant to be chased,

And because I did,

I ended up at this place.

I am their icon,

I am their title,

Talk about random,

now that’s pretty vital.

Everything in such accord,

And for the record,

It was not I who chose

Tavern Black Rose.

It was destiny,

it was fate,

It was better than any other planned first date,

It was them,

it was me,

it was the chemistry,

it was all meant to be,

Blame it on the gods?

Leave it to the gods!

After this night, I’m like a lightning rod.

Don’t dwell, ponder.

The treasure is over, over yonder!

Let the chips fall where they may,

Have fortune spin her wheel.

I’m ready full throttle,

No time to kill.

Once upon a time I didn’t have any clue what I was going to do. I was unsure about all the possible career directions I was headed in. I had ideas and goals, but I just wasn’t having it. I spent a lot of time in community college trying to figure things out. I should be a doctor given the amount of time I’ve been going to school! Then, I finally made my decision. I chose English. I always loved writing, and I always wanted to read more than I did. Some of the first works that got me hooked when I decided to make English my number one was Paradise Lost, The Inferno, Hamlet, Oedipus Rex, and Lysistrata. Then I realized I had my own story to write.

I love English because it offers so much. Just because one studies English that doesn’t automatically mean they want to be a teacher, it just means they’re ready for a challenge. English offers a lot on: religion, philosophy, science, performing arts, communications, history, and let’s not forget the basics of reading and writing–constant reading and writing! English is hard, and its scholars can be brutal. The thing about English that makes it unique from most, if not all other subjects, is that there really is no formula to follow, you have to make your brain work. English exercises the brain. One of the main perks about English is that it allows its followers to be free and explore all options; interpretation is always open. Everyone has a story to tell, and every story is interpreted differently.

I love English as a student, it has taught me so much. I love English as a writer, it has taught me so much. Almost everything we see on TV, Film, and new age literature is derived from the canons, and what is strange is that what they wrote then is entirely still relevant today! It’s crazy! Some of my favourites: “Of Marriage and Single Life” by Sir Frances Bacon, “His Farewell to Sack” by Robert Herrick, William Wilson, Measure for Measure, Antony and Cleopatra, Pudd’nhead Wilson, The House of Mirth, Sense and Sensibility, Behind a Mask, The Turn of the Screw, Young Goodman Brown, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, the list goes on. Then learning about what is going on during the time of publication is so fascinating, too. I would have loved to live then. I am so old-fashioned.

I loved my last quarter. I’m glad I got to experience the quarter system. It was a constant grind and hustle, but ultimately, the quarter system gets you done sooner and is better. Talk about cut to the chase! There’s so many strange things that happened this quarter, full circle came into play. Is it life imitating art, or art imitating life? One day my professor had the nerve to ask, do you ever feel like your life is a movie? I said, No! It’s more of a TV show! I took a certain professor my first quarter at CSULA and, again, during my last. It just happened like that, and, I didn’t take him in between my stay at the institution. Tuesdays and Thursdays were the only I went to school during my first quarter and my last. I met a certain fellow student on my first day at CSULA. He was my first class buddy that the teacher recommends we have in case we miss class, or what have you. Throughout my stay at the institution, we had a few other classes together, a good handful. As I was taking my final final, I realized we were sitting next to each other. I laughed to myself because I realized we sat right next to each other on the first day of school and the last day of school. As a writer, all of my writing takes place in Los Angeles. I need to pay homage to my land! It’s funny to me because I took all of my American literature classes last. The best for last? Sure! I don’t know because that British literature… Anyhow, in one my American literature classes we studied, “The Crying of Lot 49”. That book cracks me up! The book is a satire, and it takes place in a city based off of Los Angeles. As a part of my final, I wrote on “The Crying of Lot 49”. I saw it as my official sign off. I wrote about LA for my final final ever! and at CSULA. What’s even more magical to me is that I saw my final final as a sort of love letter to Los Angeles; I put effort in it. And the ironic thing was that the topic question for my final was what I learned in my senior seminar class. You know that class every senior stresses about, college or not! I saw everything as linking together, coming full circle. It was magical. IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

I can’t believe I finally did it! It took me so long! I joked to one of my classmates, and told her, if you see me crying, don’t judge! I didn’t really suffer from senioritis until the very end. I was becoming exhausted, but I still challenged myself to enjoy the literature and its meaning, and get the most of everything because I knew that one day I would miss it, I think I will really miss it… Some ask, will I further my studies? And my instant response is, NO! I am content with what I have [now]. I HAVE OTHER VENTURES TO PURSUE! The Cubicle Diaries: Friends Close, Co-Workers Closer is coming soon! Plus, towards the end I was preparing for the future. Hence the landing of my internship with the Los Angeles Film Festival! OMFGG! Remind me to share my evening with thee Courtney Love. Let’s just say she knows how highly I think of her.

No more two back packs.

No more pulling all-nighters for procrastinating on assignments I knew months in advance about.

No more spark notes, and for the record I hated using spark notes because the nerd in me knew I was cheating myself, and depriving myself of quotes and new words to learn, but when one is reading four books a week for ten weeks, and when the library refuses you to borrow books because you’ve maxed it your limit of what you can borrow, one does what they have to do, and besides! some professors recommend it.

No more sweaty armpits in class or the library from being under pressure –we can’t take ourselves too seriously!

No more waking up crack early to try and finish homework.

No more Sucky Sundays, all I see are Sunday Fundays! Switching to Tuesday/ Thursday from Monday/ Wednesday was the best move ever!! It’s a little upsetting because it took me so long to become an ideal student, and when I finally learned how to be one, it came time to graduate.

My character fills fulfilled –for now! I know I still have a ways to go. Oh English. English, English, English. You fulfill me. English: The Extraordinary Area of Expertise. If only everyone could absorb you as much as I have. I learned how to embrace and thrive off of being an English nerd. Geek is sheik! I love English! I am a Renaissance man! I remember feeling like I was never going to finish, but I did. I’m glad I got the college experience.

Your spirit is haunting me.

Throughout the day, I hear your stupid laugh, and your once sounding melodic voice. I turn around out of fear and excitement. I loved it but now I pretend like it’s not there.

Your ghost haunts me in my sleep.

I feel a force float above my numb, paralyzed body. I wake up in the still of the night, but there’s no one there. The only thing going is the clock and the vampires hunting, and it’s always the same time, 3:41.

Your apparition was caught in the bathroom mirror at my job. I nearly broke it just to try and see more of you.

I wonder, if you’re haunting me, am I haunting you?

Snake-eyes

Eclipse for eyes

Looking into you can make one die

Gazing makes me feel high

I’ve lost my sight

I don’t know of its wrong or right,

To make sure I’m alive I pinch my thigh

Let me have you for an entire night

There is no cap on the sky

When I see you automatically I want to cry.

Wait a minute don’t go, Sigh.

I’m on Twentieth Street. The street is becoming narrow, into a One Way Only. I can see a shift ahead, but I don’t know where it leads. It’s dark over there, and there are no signs that can help guide me. Another piece of land to conquer and figure out for myself. It’s OK! I’m eager and anxious. I feed off of the unknown. I’m not lost, not at all. If anything, I’m leading the way. I can’t see them through the dust in the rearview mirror, but I know they’re there. Twentieth Street is broad. I’m discovering new districts without any type map. My internal GPS system is leading me the right way, so I think. My journey is more than picturesque, there aren’t enough words to describe it. It’s magical. Every part of Twentieth Street has been good: Circus 22, the good of 25th Pointe, 27th & 28^th Square, Grove Two3, Section24, 26^th Pass. Twentieth Street has been full of nothing but opportunities, and most of them I’ve taken, and it’s all because I don’t like to stay in my jurisdiction. That small, little, dead end cul de sac I once called home. I know I still have a way to go. I’ll admit, I’ve had bumps in the road, and on occasion flat tires, even with no roadside service! Fucken potholes. 21^st Quarter being the area with the most. Some of my best moments were in traffic on the way here, but the voyage must go on. Street lights change, and traffic fluctuates. The road wasn’t paved out all the time. I’ve had to dodge idiot drivers and buses.

If it weren’t for detours, I wouldn’t be the experienced driver I am today. I can see the sun setting. My stunner shades are no longer needed. The more I travel, the more I evolve into the knightrider. Twentieth Street. What a road. Full of twists and turns. I love it still though. Lots of stupid pedestrians walking the opposite direction have pissed me off, but I don’t let them get to me. I’m in a car. I’m going faster, and I’ll get to my destination sooner to enjoy more leisure. I’ve seen some hitchhikers, but I picked up none of them. OK, I’m lying, I picked them all up, but it was nothing but a quick lift to the next intersection. None of them have been worthy to take on as actual passengers. I’m a solo driver, and I’m happy about it. I can’t imagine it another way. No one likes a nagging backseat driver, or someone who messes up your flow and changes your favourite song in the middle of it, or asks to make another pit stop for a bathroom break. I hate wasting time. As long as I have my IPod I am OK. I’m seeing how Twentieth Street goes on for one more block. It looks like a long one that ascends uphill a little. The real estate looks far more expensive, and mother nature richer. From a distance, I can see some pedestrians walking the right way. I’m excited. I think I’m headed in the right direction! Lucky me, they’re all green lights. I shift the gears to control my speed to how fast I want to go. It’s all in my control. I am the driver. I call the shots. I look at my tank. It’s more than half full, it’s still nearly full. I should consider getting a hybrid to further my route without any inconveniences, avoid all the unnecessary pit stops, especially with the drive I have.

As I continue my voyage, I realize no matter what part of Twentieth Street I stay on and enjoy, or bear, I’m still a vagabond. The road and show goes on; age ain’t nothing but a number. City or country, it doesn’t matter, as long as I can learn what I don’t already know. Life is one big journey, and I am ready to experience anything and everything. Oh, here’s my favourite song, time to turn it up, and since it’s Muse’s “Time is Running Out”, I guess I have no choice but to push the gas pedal.

The return of Christine McVie proved Fleetwood Mac still has it, and that they can finally go ‘On With The Show’.

I am on such a Fleetwood Mac high. I feel like ‘Misty Day’ of American Horror Story: Coven. It’s the power of watching live music. It’s one thing when it’s just a band, but when it’s one of your favourite bands à OMFGG! I listened to their music before the concert, after the concert, and you best believe I’m listening to it, again, as I am blogging.

I’ll admit, I nearly cried. The energy the band created as a whole was intense. It was electrifying. I have never transmitted so much energy with another being as much as I did with Stevie Nicks as she performed “Rhiannon”. I nearly fainted.

When Stevie shared the story of how she came to be with the band, how she met “Bob” at a party, sung with him, and let it go. Then two years later “Bob” called her out of the blue and said, “Hey, you wanna start a band?” That proved that sometimes, if not most, it is good to talk to strangers. Sometimes those strangers turn into being our best friends, partners, or bandmates that you’ll eventually grow a bond with that you can’t share with anyone else.

I will never listen to “Gypsy” the same again. When Stevie gave the backstory to the song, I was like, IT ALL MAKES SENSE! The Velvet Underground, velvet, paper flowers, it all comes down to YOU, you see your gypsy! It’s the edge. It’s when that person in the mirror talks back to you, and then you talk back it… I was blown away. It’s funny because she was like, “Yeah, I was making good money at the time, so I thought I could shop there, but when I got there, I realized I couldn’t afford anything.” I believe the moral of the story was that she got something more than she could have purchased, maybe? Or maybe she really couldn’t afford anything? I don’t know, but she got something so much more out of that visit. And that is when I turning to: Timing? Coincidence? Fate? I believe the “On With The Show” concert was my “Velvet Underground”.

Christine McVie is the reason why I was posted to my seat for so long. I could just listen to her sing. You could tell she was really happy to be back. And there was one moment when Lindsey and Christine were “doing their thing together.” I swear, they looked like magnets. It was as if it was the first time they ever performed on stage (together). It was green, organic, and fresh. I love that each member gets their time to shine. To think all they have been through, and there they are, creating their passion for other people like me to thrive off of it. Mick Fleetwood and Lindsey Buckingham were electrifying –literally. It was as if they turned on a light switch and there I was, fully charged. Their theme of holding it together songs made it heartwarming, and that the fire they have is still fully ignited.

Fleetwood Mac proved the magic is still there, they can go “On With The Show”.

I woke up and the first thing that came to my mind was you.

Usually you don’t let my alarm clock do its duty. I was grumpier when I realized you weren’t there.

You were in my dream, again.

It was the reoccurring one where we’re together, at last.

It seemed so real I thought it was reality. I thought it was safe to wake up, so I woke up, but then I realized it wasn’t; waking up was my nightmare.

I told myself I was over you, that I was no longer going to pursue you or even bother wasting my thoughts thinking about you, but I can’t. I can’t let you go. You cross my mind constantly. My mind thinks of you before it automatically blinks, or tells me I’m hungry. I’ve lost another 8 pounds. I’m weaker now than I was when I first met you. What’s strange is that I fell face first then, dumbfounded, thinking is this real?

What the hell am I going to do?

I can’t make you like me. I can’t make you love me. I can’t even get you to acknowledge me.

All I’m going to do is go back to sleep because that is what makes me whole again.

With the help of this bottle, I won’t have to worry about anything anymore. I won’t have to worry about not seeing you, or even worse seeing you with another, someone more fortunate than I.

All my little friends care, all eighty of them. They have my interest. They tell me the more I take them, the more I’ll sleep, and the more I sleep the more we’ll be together.

So here I go, back to where I was. Sip, swallow, Sleep

Together we’ll finally meet.

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*

Like an anchor you try to drag everyone down, and secure them in a place where being on edge is if the norm. Sadly, the only person you’re burying is you.

Even if there was a cure for your sickness, it still wouldn’t help.

You’re not only ill and planted in a state of despair, but you can’t even trick your own mind out to think you’re ok; the least you could do is lie to yourself, but you probably can’t because you’re too caught up in all the other tales you’re spinning.

I would ask where did you do wrong, but the more I think about it, I can’t help but think, were you ever even right?

They say there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but I don’t even think you’re even on a road, let alone to recovery.

The emptiness that occupies you makes you feel whole.

When you’re present, it’s like trying to see a vampire’s reflection.

I honestly don’t think it’s possible for you to get help.

Not even maggots want to feed off of whatever flesh you have on you.

Pretty soon the county will start denying your behavioral health bills. You’re not only wasting their money, but you’re wasting the doctor’s time.

I don’t even know if there is advice to give, it’s not even worth donating my breath. I’d rather count the holes in a wall at yet another emergency room you were admitted to; and every time I hope it is my last visit.

They say misery loves company, but you seem to have all the company you can keep. You and all your bad habits.

May God have mercy on you because not even the devil wants your soul.

Portland: you are my port and my land. Your fluidity of art, greenery, and breweries make me want to never leave. All I want to do is stop, stare, and sip. Your clean, crisp air makes me feel like I am going to breathe forever. You’ve always called me, and I was reluctant to answer, but now I know the true meaning of “The Pearl District”, of which I have finally step foot on. This is more than love at first sight. You make this vagabond feel at home. Could you be the future home to a residency of mine? Spring has yet to spring, but you make me feel reborn with your vast amounts of redwoods, cherry blossoms, and Victorian-like homes. So artsy and full of life, I am doing nothing but smiling. Portland: you make me wanna never leave for you are my port and my land.

They say life’s a beach. Well, maybe it is.

Sometimes we shine and glisten the way the sun reflects off the water. Sometimes we’re dark and gloomy like when the rain is falling; there nothing like seeing water hit water.

The unfamiliar is like the water, freezing cold at first, but like anything as long as we’re around it enough we’ll get used to it.

Our capabilities and goals are bottomless, the way the ocean is perceived.

Sometimes shit gets intense and the tide rises high, and there we are calling that shoulder to cry on, just like a lifeguard.

Sometimes in life we’re lost, we feel stranded and hopeless, just like someone who is lost at sea.

Sometimes we erupt and act out of anger and do things we never thought we could imagine doing, just like a tsunami.

Some people are like the beach, only good at specific times.

Some of us think we have it all going on, but like the debris all they are is washed up.

Finding a best friend is like finding a sand dollar, so rare that when we find it, we better hold onto it. Our perfect match is like a mermaid, existence is extremely questionable.

As for rejection, there are plenty of fish in the sea. We must all be aware of sharks. Everyone swears they’re an angelfish. And don’t even get me started on crabs!

One thing is for sure, we always must wear a protection–life jackets and sunscreen of course!– otherwise, we’ll be sorry.

The moon is to the water as fate it’s to our lives, it’s said to control everything.

Life gets tangled like loose seaweed that wraps around your legs.

White sand, brown sand, rocks, is pretty much the same, as long as it’s not dirt!

Footprints in the sand are like our marks in life, they can be washed away as if we were never there.

Life is full of wonders, like the bottom of the ocean floor.

The beach isn’t perfect every day, like everyone’s life, but for the most part, life is just like a beach.