I love my apt. I love the layout of it. I love that it’s vintage-ish. I love being home. I feel like I can really call it “home.” It’s in the biggest building I’ve lived in thus far. Actually, my China apartment, which I LOVED, was just as good & in a bigger building. I don’t miss California, per se, but I do miss Hollywood & the last apartment I lived in there. Anyhow, I love my current housing situation. I’m fortunate. I live right by the train, have great eateries in my neighbourhood, & of course, a library. Sometimes I force myself to get out because I get too comfortable. We should never live too comfortably, by the way. My neighbourhood has nearly everything. I also live right by the “beach.” I traded beaches for lakes. Hey, if it has sand, a current, a lifeguard, & the word “beach” in the name of the location, it’s a damn beach! I like my property manager. I also have a great street view. In front of my windows I have trees, so I can have some public privacy when my shades, not stunners, are up & open. Sometimes I’ll sit on my couch & ponder & watch people as they pass by. I’m a spectator.
In the winter, the trees are naked, their souls are exposed [“Nymphomaniac” vol. I & II]. In the spring & summer the trees are full & green. Last year I wrote about constantly seeing spiders in my window pane. I saw all sorts of kinds. I was a little alarmed, but then I thought, like always, life is talking to me. My English senses came to me; we must read the signs! I looked up spiders & was relieved.
As of late, which I thought was very strange because I’m infatuated with this animal, I’ve been seeing many blackbirds. So much irony here. I love them, ravens the most, & crows are cool & interesting, but are there crows in the middle west? Sometimes I can’t tell the difference. I also love Edgar Allen Poe, & let’s not forget his infamous work, The Raven. Plus, I love “One Tree Hill” & ravens are always there. Aside from basketball & drama, ravens underscore the entire series. If it weren’t called “One Tree Hill,” it was going to be called “Ravens.” Anyhow, I’ve visited his grave, EAP’s, by the way & that was a whhhoollllle other ironic experience. What I thought was ironic [now] was those beautiful little blackbirds began to visit me, especially in the winter. Aren’t they supposed to fly South? Especially during them Midwestern winters? There were flocks of them. They were even tweeting, not Twitter/ social media status! & singing & fluttering merrily. It brought so much joy to me. It reminded me of my magical time in Portland where I crossed them, too. Strange. “We spend much of our lives seeing without observing.” –A.Warhol. I thought, again, life is talking to me. So, what did I do? I looked up blackbirds. They say, blackbirds represent knowledge & intelligence. I couldn’t believe it. Life was sending me signs of knowledge & intelligence. We can never have too much. With those comes confidence & with confidence you can do anything. You can also do anything with a lot of money, but I’m not there yet. In life, we have a purpose & I want to do as much as I possibly can. I know a lot, but I don’t know everything. I’m still learning & like a lot of things in life I’ve learned, I’ve learned the hard way. But all its done is make my character richer & grander. Sadly, I still make mistakes, not necessarily the same ones, thank God, but I’m only human… or am I?
Blackbirds also lead to represent transition & transformation. Very, very ironic!! I want to say I am exiting a major trial & tribulation stage of my life. I’m a different person now than what I was before. I like to believe a better one. Living in Chicago, I’m living a whole other life — in a great way, not a con-artist type of way. I feel that I’m maturing & growing & becoming more knowledgeable & I do strive to be a better person. Every day is a new day. Every day offers something new. I’m all about reinvention. Is it because I’m from Hollywood? No. Hollywood helped me embrace it. I’ve also learned to not let fame & success get to my head. It’s OK to be happy one day, sad the next, lazy after that, hyper & cracked out after that & then want to be alone. I won’t deem you as “bipolar.” I might ask if you wanna kick it! Most fear change, but don’t you find something wrong always answering when someone asks you, what’s going on? & you find yourself answering, same old’, same old’? How about same old’ lame old’! Every time someone asks me that, I try to give a new & different answer each & every time. But that’s just me. If you’re content on where you are, then so be it. How are you ever going to get anywhere if you don’t challenge yourself? From what I’ve learned in the past will guide me, hopefully. In life, we must be bold. It’s OK to be scared, but don’t express that emotion. People will use that against you. That I’ve learned. People, like Hollywood, love to pick you up & bring you down. Although, I’m happy with this stage of life, I’m also ready for my next transition & transformation. [See “Phoenix,” “Clouded Judgment.”] & it’s because knowledge & intelligence & transformation has got me here to understand there is more to life than what we have now.