In life, they say you should let go of the things you love [most]. Why?!? Because if it’s meant to be it’ll come back?!? Yeah, not always the smarter choice, BUT life does have a funny way of working out & everything DOES come full circle. It’s such an awakening when you’re smacked with it, it’s great! It’s like life is rewarding you for putting up with everything along the journey. A benefit. It’s true! Speaking from experience! &, things.take.time. All these cliches are true! What’s meant to be will be. Everything happens for a reason. Yadayadayada. What about the afterlife? What do they say there? Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve! Better to have loved & lost than not loved at all? Thank God I never got any STIs; I should’ve fucked more people!

When I think how we have the ability to forge our destiny, when needed to, I get to thinking. & no, it’s not the pot. & I’m not going to go down a rabbit hole about life being pre-determined & yadayadayada. Let’s save that for when we are on pot. Or maybe when we’re not. When we get a great opportunity in life, we pretty much have to take it. Those should’ve, could’ve, would’ve moments are wretched. Life is a journey & not always a great one. The experiences we incur shape our character & we learn & grow. Well, [most] civilized, knowingly people do. Then, there are times we want to make shit happen & it does work out. Fantastic! There are times where we push for something & it doesn’t happen. Are we a failure? No. It’s just not happening this hoorah. Life is telling you, no matter how ready you think you are, you’re not. Unless you desperately want to fail & have this scar you, then, fuck it, yeah! Handle your scandal! Life’s double-edge sword is, you gotta take risks; go against the odds. Anyhow! That does not mean it’ll never work out. It’s just not happening now; there is another road to follow. It’s all so funny.

I left Hollywood six years ago. Let go of my true love. [Hollywood, that is!]. Lived abroad, lived in another state. Learned. Travelled. Met people. Wrote. Photographed. YadaYadaYada. STILL not done. I still have so much to conquer. I never really got homesick. I cracked once, but that was it. It was cathartic. A drunken moment. One of the near 3 million. Hair of the dog. It wasn’t that serious. I needed that to grow & understand the curve balls life was throwing. I caught them. I love a good curve. I was going to return to China, had a whole plan. But the closer it grew to happening, I became a little unsure & started to see other possibilities come to light. Fuck. I wanted both. Apparently, I tend to complicate things?!?! & Apparently have a flare for the dramatics!?! Not sure where that comes from!?!? But I then started to think, should I return to California? There are many things I like about it. The 2 major are art & geography. & having left, I have a different appreciation for the place. In the words of Taylor Swift, when you are young they assume you know nothing. Double-edge sword. It’s not as golden as everyone thinks though. All that glitters is not gold! I’ve grown & want to experience California a different way now. I became torn. If only I could be in 2 places at once. Torn. Then, that little thing called the pandemic happened. You know, COVID. Life wasn’t making the choices, I wasn’t making the choices, I had already made mine; the universe made it’s choice! I had already let go of Chicago for China, & then had the opportunity to be in California. F U N N Y! I couldn’t blame myself for withdrawing from China. LOL. It’s not dead, it’s just not happening now. Maybe I need more momentum for it? Apparently, I have unfinished business in California. The downfall of returning to California? Everything was closed! I couldn’t even go to the beach because PCH was closed, all the parking, the trails, the museums, the theatres. LMAO. But whatever! Life was telling me to regroup, be home, & work on whatever good mental health you had in you still. I was able to get reacquainted with the geography & old friends. You know, the kind that says, if you go live here, I’ll visit you & yadayadayada… Yeah, those ones caught up in their own life acting like the want to live another? Yeah, those. Bless their heart. 😊 & it is true, especially have been being back, the more things seem to change, the more they stay the same. I didn’t hang out with one friend to the next. No. & it just wasn’t about quarantine. LOL. It felt good being back.  & because it wasn’t just my life on hold, I wasn’t the only one missing out, everyone was! Hahaha! This time, I got to experience other things. Again, as a different kind of person, redeem advantages I’ll probably never be given again. Figured shit out, couch surfed, reflect differently, catch my breath from the whirlwind I was living; time to live at a different pace.

I wanted to do things differently this time around. If it’s in your control, make shit happen. Don’t be one of those settlers that always seem to say, it is what it is. Yeah, maybe in your world! I wanted to invest in property. No matter where life or my career shall take my, I’ll always be a Californian, an Angeleno. I will always come back here. I need[ed] something for me. & if it’s expensive now, it’s only going to get worse. I thought, what is accessible in California? LMFAO. Everyone on the planet knows it’s expensive here. & the prices have skyrocketed over the past decade or two. It USED to be easier here. Then, all these wannabes came, & people started to expand their family. Who does that!?! I wanted to move to the desert before it became a thing. I love living in the city, but I also enjoy being in the middle of nowhere, away from people. I started practicing social distancing before it became a thing. God, I’m such a trendsetter! Then, the damn pandemic happened & everyone flocked, mainly to the desert, complicating things. I needed a new job & no one was going back to an office or hiring, complicating things. Everything was everywhere. I had to strategize. I was thisclose to securing the desert. I pushed, I tried, I sacrificed. Then, it didn’t work out. Fine. It was OK. I listened to life. I resorted to life or the universe making the choices for me. In the back of my mind, I thought, what’s meant to be will be. When it came to buying, I was only going to do it in certain areas. Other certain areas were going to be places to live until I can make other things happen. Then, I thought & concluded, I’m really meant to be in Los Angeles. Changes came about. I had a different set of options. I was in a good place to make shit happen. On a detour, maybe, but, I’ll take it. I was needy not desperate. I still had a few obstacles to overcome & boy was I tried! I was tested! For patience. & on occasion for STIs. You gotta respect yourself! No, I didn’t have any symptoms, OK! I looked around for apartments in Los Angeles. I was revisiting my old stomping grounds, looking for a new place to call home, seeking my next adventure, pushing to have a different kind of happiness in my life, having an old kind back in my life. I was yearning to get back to me. The me I had come back for, in a sense. The old me with new twists. You get the damn picture. I didn’t have all the options in the world when it came to housing, but I did have some, a few. I wasn’t going to be extreme about things. LOL. It boiled down to 2 places. I was torn. Here we go, again…! & then, it all came to a conclusion. I was over the drama. I pros outweighed the cons. Neither had cons, which was the problem. I wanted to get back to where I started. I was ready to start anew, but go back to what I know, what I love[d], what help me grow & mold me; I was ready to go back to basics. Even though we should never be basic, this is the exception. Life is all about reinvention, but you don’t have to reinvent everything. Life basically took me to the entrance of this building I now reside in, “all by accident” or from a detour. LMFAO. & I was like, this is happening! I became so fucking excited. I worked for this. At times, unknowingly. Fought the moonlight, unknowingly. I was being rewarded. I returned to Hollywood. It was an interesting path, this journey, not always in my favour. Don’t make me reference the cliché I’m alluding to. The way everything worked out… F U N N Y! Life always gets the last laugh. What it wants, it gets! I was now going to be in the heart of Hollywood. Literally. It’s magical.

If I never left Hollywood, I can’t help but think, where would I be?!? Los Angeles wise. I would’ve eventually moved. Beverly Hills? Downtown? Playa del Rey. Who knows if/ when another teaching job abroad would’ve come my way? I’m sure. Maybe not in China? Or the opportunity to live in another state, another state besides Illinois? I used to want to live in Portland, but after the way they handled their protesting & rioting, no thank you! Not anytime soon. Is it STILL going on?!? The same with Seattle. I’ve always dug Seattle, but after the way they handled COVID, yeah, no thank you! Not anytime soon! I dig the DC area & the New England area, but it just hasn’t happened yet. 😊 Don’t get me wrong, California had it challenges, but I was already here & from here. Angelenos are their own beast to tame during “regular” times, so, there you go. But, I carry none of that should’ve, could’ve, would’ve with me. It feels really great to be back in Hollywood. & it’s a different section of Hollywood. I’ve done east, west, another side of central Hollywood, & now, I’m ready for the Los Angeles version of Times Square, Hollywood & Highland. Hollywood has changed. Not just the usual of clubs & restaurants. The homelessness is out of control, but that’s nearly everywhere in Los Angeles. Go somewhere else! Hollywood is going to be back in its new groove after everything opens up! & the way I snagged this apartment… I think if you show Hollywood some love, it’ll take care of you.

Hollywood has nearly everything I need. If I think I’m missing something, it hasn’t been discovered yet. I’m not being too presumptuous. It has its downfalls. It’s grungy. Some call it dirty. A little on the noisy side sometimes, but that’s the life I chose! City vs. desert! I can handle it. Parking is a bitch, of course. Sometimes in the morning when I’m walking a minimum of two major city blocks to my truck, Beverly, I have yet to get a parking permit, & because I need to lose some damn weight, maybe I shouldn’t! Although I do frequent Runyon, so I am working on it. Taking advantage of that resource. While crossing Hollywood boulevard when the streets are pretty empty, I look down it & fantasize & get old Hollywood vibes, like of the golden era, as if I were there. There’s the glamourous old soul in me. It’s beautiful. Maybe if my lazy ass gets up early enough in the morning, I can get some good shots —-photography that is! 😉 Maybe I should walk down Sunset & get a photo of the sun rising. The sun rises in the east & sets on the west. I’m sure there are plenty ways to say that phrase, but I like that one.

What’s even more metaphoric & magical about this situation, my return to Hollywood came in the season of rebirth, the spring. It aligns perfectly well to the way everything happened last year: letting things happen [naturally]. It wasn’t always easy, but it was an adventure that did have a lot of high notes of its own. Something good always comes out of something bad. I also totally agree that the pandemic was a good “reset” for the world, the great reset.

Getting back into a routine will take some time. It has & is. It’s a great new journey. So far so good! I’m OK with it all. I’m going at my pace. I’m soaking it all in. I think, for the most part, things should happen gradually, naturally, so they don’t feel like a chore, something you must do, & you end of resenting it in some way, it not exactly satisfying you; however, there are times where you must be forceful, create structure & discipline, but it shouldn’t be sooooo difficult.  It’s 2021, you should have your cake & be able to eat it, too! Hell, get seconds. 😊 Yes, some things happen quickly & suddenly & that’s great & happens often, but is that just our mind playing tricks on us because we’ve longed for things & when it happens, it comes off as “happening quickly?” Speaking of life happening, whether it be “quickly” or comedically or ironically, I left Hollywood a blonde & have returned a blonde. We’ll call that timing. The funny thing is, I STILL don’t know if they have more fun. That’s the life of a glamourous rockstar. You don’t know what’s real and what’s not, it’s just “normal” to you, but being normal is something you don’t want to do. Like Artie from “Cruella” says, “…normal is the cruelest insult of them all…” Ah, to each own. I’m not saying I’m going to retire in Hollywood. No. If I do, it better be in the hills! 😉 Actually, on certain maps, it says I live in the Hollywood Hills, so take that! I know there’s life outside the 90028. Have I made it? I can’t answer that yet as I’m not done, nor am I ready to throw in the towel. Who knows how long this hoorah will be? It’s just beginning. My last stay was 5 years. It’s funny because once I secured my apartment, this first thing I thought, courtesy of Madison Montgomery of American Horror Story: Coven is, I’m going back to Hollywood, where people are normal. For the longest, I felt like a dying vampire needing to feed. I couldn’t put my finger on it, nor yet my teeth into it, but returning to Hollywood is the beginning of the remedy. Now, the vampire needs to feed.